The Puns Just DragonFable
by tehsharkie
Summary: Kiyan leaves home and begins an incredible journey. You know, like they all do. Featuring: Confusing plot holes and lotsa foreshadowing. Rated T because a future chapter's title will be...weird...
1. A Sir Reel Event and Root of all Sneevil

**Yayerz. This is my first fanfic. So yes. I'm writing this because I want to do an AQ story one day. However, I've effectively holed myself into a corner because my AQ character is also my DF one. (yes I know how flippin' wrong that is! 0.0) So I get to do foreshadowing, which is fun. In the long run, this will probably require a massive amount of retconning. ;p  
**

**Anyway, I apologize if the first half of this chapter is bland/slow. I'm not very good at writing the OHMYGOSH IT BE DARK AND SCAREH! stuff. Also: action scenes may suck. You hath been warned.**

**Hopefully, I didn't make Kiyan seem like a Mary Sue. Or one of those flippin' "cool, moody, snarky anti-heroes" that the women's movement or something has indirectly created. (which aren't that bad, really) It's already bad enough she's a rogue. (they're all rogues! ALL!) And there's no romance. Sorries. ._.' **

_About 4,980_ _years after the Reset..._

"Sky's clear today," Matzir muttered. He rested one hand on his pitchfork. He and his best friend, Raoulf, were standing in front of their house. The village of Trestin was practically asleep; they could hear only quiet, hurried whispers and soft footsteps. It was a normal, average day.

Or so they thought.

"Sure is," Raoulf agreed. The two friends gazed up at the glorious expanse. After a while, Matzir spoke;

"We look like idiots."

"Yeah, we do."

Krisha and Syisha, two powerful enchantresses, emerged from the house. Syisha was carrying a toddler wrapped in a red cloth.

"We must go," Krisha whispered. "Kiyan is asleep inside. Take care of her."

"Sure thing," Matzir nodded at his wife. Raoulf patted Syisha's toddler on the head.

"My little boy's growing up," He said proudly. Syisha smiled and held the child tighter.

"You most certainly are, little Gal-Gal!" She cooed. The boy gurgled happily.

"Come, sister," Krisha smiled. The enchantresses left their spouses and strolled to the nearby forest. Matzir and Raoulf continued their idle chat.

"Sure is a lovely day."

"Sure is."

_In the forest..._

Syisha placed Galanoth on a log. A butterfly flew past him. Galanoth swatted at it angrily.

"You will need to learn about nature, little one," His mother chuckled. Krisha rested on a tree, a faraway look in her soft brown eyes.

"What's wrong, sister?" Syisha questioned.

"Nothing...just...I feel...something..." Krisha muttered. She straightened up. "It doesn't matter. Let's take Galanoth to the lake; he's never been there before."

_Back in Trestin..._

"Is that a red dot?" Raoulf squinted.

"Yeah. Maybe it's just a red bird or something," Matzir said dismissively.

"It's moving closer."

_In the forest..._

"My head really, really hurts," Krisha pressed one hand to her forehead. Syisha looked up at her, concerned.

"You don't think someone could be after the gems?" She whispered. Krisha shook her head in disbelief.

"That's...not possible..."

_Trestin..._

"It's really close now," Raoulf hissed.

"I may just be imagining it, but it looks like a-" Matzir was cut off by a villager's cry.

"DRAGON!"

_Forest..._

"What?" Krisha whirled around. "Did someone say-?"

"No..." Syisha whispered. "No! Not now!"

"Get back to Trestin!" Krisha urged her sister. "I'll protect Galanoth! Just please, get Kiyan!"

_Trestin.._

"HELLO," The dragon landed in the middle of the village, crushing some residents in the process. "HOW ARE YOU TODAY?"

"Leave!" Raoulf shouted. He and some other male villagers were holding pitchforks and axes.

"I WAS PLANNING ON GOING TO THE NEXT TOWN OVER, BUT IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT IT'S BEING INVADED BY THE UNDEAD," It smiled. "LUCKY ME. IT TURNS OUT THAT TWO EXTREMELY POWERFUL ENCHANTRESSES LIVE HERE."

Matzir and Raoulf exchanged a worried glance.

"WHERE ARE THEY? I MAY NOT STRIKE YOU IF YOU REVEAL THEM IMMEDIATELY."

"Never!"

The dragon let out a huge blast of fire, setting the surrounding houses-and people-alight.

"THAT WAS A WEAK ATTACK. WANT MORE?"

A few of the villagers surged forward, yelling in rage. It stomped on them effortlessly.

"I WILL PICK YOU OFF, MAKE NO MISTAKE. HAND THEM OVER NOW."

"Raoulf!" Syisha cried. Raoulf ran to her and started to lead her away.

The dragon's eyes fixed on them. "THERE YOU ARE, MY PRETTY."

Syisha's eyes blazed. "You will not find the gems, Akriloth. Even if you kill me and my sister you will not get them."

"REALLY?" Akriloth let out a loud laugh. "HA HA HA HA! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THEIR LOCATION?"

"I know you know," Syisha snapped. "I'm just telling you that-"

"ENOUGH," Akriloth silenced her with a swoop of its tail. It knocked away more of the houses. Syisha let out a sob.

"DO YOU SEE WHAT I CAN DO? I CAN KILL YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, AND YOUR CHILDREN. THEN, I WILL DESTROY YOU AND TAKE YOUR PRECIOUS GEMS. SURRENDER AND I MIGHT LEAVE."

"No!"

"VERY WELL," Akriloth whirled around and crushed Matzir with one simple flick.

Syisha couldn't even scream. She just stood there, gaping at the villain.

"DO YOU SEE NOW?"

She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. "No."

_Forest..._

Krisha placed Galanoth in the hollow of a tree. "There; you'll be safe here."

Galanoth sniffed. "Where's Mommy?"

Krisha just shook her head. She had felt Matzir's death; she knew hers would be coming soon as well.

She kissed the boy before heading back to the village.

_Trestin..._

"Raoulf!" Syisha wailed. Akriloth grinned at her.

"THAT WAS A PAINLESS DEATH. SUCH A SHAME. I WANTED TO BREAK YOU, NOT INCREASE YOUR RESOLVE," The dragon seemed to shrug. "OH WELL."

Meanwhile, Krisha had sneaked into her house. She found her daughter crying underneath her bed.

"Wha-?"

"Sssh," Krisha picked her up and rocked her.

"Where's Galanoth? There's a scary dragon outside, where is he?!"

"He's in the forest," Krisha said gently. She picked up a brown backpack and handed it to Kiyan.

"I've known this day would come for a long while," The enchantress admitted. "Here; you'll need these. I put my Dragon Amulet inside."

"But-"

Krisha carried Kiyan out of the house and started to run back to the forest. Akriloth leaned in and whispered to Syisha;

"YOU HAVE A NIECE? HOW QUAINT."

"Stop it!"

Krisha, realizing Akriloth had spotted them, put Kiyan down.

"Run!"

"What? Mommy-"

"RUN!" Krisha scooted Kiyan away. The little girl took one last, terrified look at her mother before sprinting into the forest.

Breathing deeply, Krisha walked into the burning village and stood beside her sister. Akriloth snorted.

"I WOULD BURN DOWN THE FOREST, BUT MY PRECIOUS GEMS ARE IN THERE, AREN'T THEY?"

The women did not reply.

"I KNEW IT," Akriloth smirked. "I WILL SPARE YOUR CHILDREN, BUT ONLY SO THEY CAN LIVE IN MISERY. THE WRETCHED THINGS WILL PROBABLY DIE IN THE WILDERNESS, ANYWAY."

Krisha and Syisha both cast ice spells on Akriloth. It deflected them with ease.

"YOU'RE PAST YOUR PRIME," With that, Akriloth swatted Krisha away. She slammed against a piece of debris and fell to the ground, lifeless. Syisha looked Akriloth in the eye.

"ONE LAST CHANCE; YOU WILL SURRENDER THE AZRU TO ME!" The dragon bellowed.

"Never!"

_The next day..._

Kiyan blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the severity of the sunlight as she regained consciousness. Her head hurt; she felt dizzy and nauseous.

"Hey there, little one," She heard a soothing, female voice. "Feeling better?"

"Kinda," Kiyan whimpered. Her vision cleared; she saw a black-haired woman wearing a strange, thin, blue armor.

"You sure you should've given her a potion?" A tall, lanky man approached them, a concerned expression on his wrinkled face.

"It was only a bit. Sure, it has some alcoholic content, but it's not enough to get her drunk."

"_Some _alcoholic content? It's, like, sixty-seven percent."

"No, just twenty-three percent."

"Sixty-seven!"

"Twenty-three!"

Kiyan started to cough violently. The woman took out a bottle and poured some red liquid out. The man rolled his eyes and muttered something about juvenile drunkards.

"Here, sweetie, drink this," She said. Kiyan obliged.

"Who are you?" She choked.

"I'm Mlril. This is my husband, Krel. What's your name?"

"Kiyan," The little girl squeaked.

"That's a pretty name," Krel said.

"Where are my parents?"

"They-they had to go away," Mlril stammered, "I think your cousin was saved, though." Krel just stood there, reading over a piece of paper they had found stuck to a tree.

_To whomever it may concern,_

_Greetings. I am Kulgen, the leader of the Dragonslayers. A group of us were passing through the area when we spotted the charred remains of Trestin. Sadly, there were no signs of life in the village. One of us spotted a little boy crying in the hollow of a tree._

_This child, Galanoth, is seemingly the only survivor from this attack. He is the son of the powerful enchantress, Syisha, and the nephew of the great mage, Krisha. We are taking him to the mountains around Dragesvard. I am planning on raising him as one of us. If you can prove that you are related to him in any way, we will gladly return him to you. _

_Rest assured, the dragon responsible will be defeated, one way or another. I am sure that it was Akriloth, an insanely powerful fire dragon. We will hunt it down and-_

The rest of it was torn. Krel folded the paper up and put it in his pocket. **(A/N: No, don't ask how rogues have pockets. 0.e)**

"Kiyan, would you like to come with us?" Mlril asked, stroking the girl's brown hair. Kiyan sat upright and adjusted her backpack.

"I-I guess..."

* * *

_4,986 years after the reset_

"No, for the last time, I do NOT want to buy magical daggers!"

Krel slammed the door on the salesman and returned to the main room. Kiyan and Athena, his biological daughter, were sitting on the floor.

Athena was a year younger than Kiyan. This small age difference made them very good friends. Kiyan had grown much taller. Her curly brown hair fell into her eyes as she pretended to sip from a cup.

"Dad, we need tea!" Athena whined. Her short, copper red hair bounced lightly as she turned towards her father.

"Why th'heck do you need tea?"

"We're having a tea party!"

"LIFE IS NOT A TEA PARTY!"

Kiyan sniffed sadly. "I should know. My real parents are-are d-dea..."

"No, no, wait! Don't cry!" Krel rushed to Kiyan's side. "Daddy's sorry. I'm just having a rough day because this stupid salesman tried to sell Daddy these magical daggers which were really just glowing sticks, then Mommy yelled at Daddy for snatching the sticks and stabbing the salesman with them, then Daddy had to..."

Kiyan winked at Athena as their father rambled. The sisters grinned at each other. Kiyan wasn't crying. She never cried.

Krel and Mlril had taken Kiyan to the United Rogue Clans. It was basically several rogue groups who had formed an alliance in order to defend against the Darkwolf bandits, better known as the "Darkwolves". Each group could be identified by the color of their armor.

The United Rogue Clans lived in a small village near the Elven Outpost. Relations with the Outpost were excellent, since the Clans protected them in exchange for a small amount of gold. Kiyan herself had never been inside the Outpost, but she thought that its gates were pretty awesome.

"Krel!" Mlril burst through the door, panicked. "The Elven Outpost! It was invaded by the Darkwolves!"

"WHAT!" Krel shot up and raced out the door. Mlril followed him. Looking out the window, Kiyan saw that nearly all the adult rogues were heading for the Outpost.

"Hey!" A brown haired boy popped his head through the doorway.

"Hi, Raicom," Kiyan greeted him. Raicom was from the Brown Group. She and Athena had practically grown up with him.

"My parents said I have to stay here for a while," Raicom entered and plopped down beside Athena. "Dad said that they're going to beat the crap out of those bandits."

"Probably," Kiyan shrugged. "They've done it before."

_Later..._

"The Elven Outpost burned down," Krel said solemnly. He had several cuts and burns on his face, and a huge gash on his leg.

"Do you need a potion, Dad?" Kiyan asked nervously.

"No thanks. Too much alcohol."

"What happened to the Elves?" Athena asked fearfully.

"They were all lost," Mlril sighed. She brushed away a tear. "Only the Chieftain's family survived."

"We've accepted them into our Clans," Raicom's father said, "They'll be living with the Blue Group." The rogues parted to reveal a shivering family of four. Kiyan spotted a black-haired Elven girl around her age.

"Th-thank you for letting us stay," An elderly female Elf whispered softly.

"It's the least we can do," A senior rogue muttered. "We could've saved your friends, but..."

"The Darkwolves have a new leader," Krel said gravely. "I didn't catch his name. They've become very, very powerful. We'll need to be more careful about defending ourselves."

The adults then left to discuss something. The Elven girl sat down and started to cry. Kiyan tiptoed up to her and hugged her.

"I know," She said comfortingly. "I lost my family when I was a little girl. I can't imagine how much it must hurt losing an entire settlement."

The Elven girl sobbed harder. Kiyan stayed with her for nearly an hour. Finally, her crying subsided.

"I'm Aaerlyn," She sniffed.

"Kiyan," The young rogue shook her new friend's hand.

"I'm scared," Aaerlyn whimpered.

"Don't be. Our Clans will protect you. I'm really, really sorry that they couldn't-"

"It's okay," The Elf insisted. "I know they tried their best."

"Well, I'm still sorry anyway."

_Five months later..._

In a short amount of time, Kiyan and Aaerlyn had become best friends. They sat outside the Blue Group's house, rooting through Kiyan's old backpack.

"You used to like _those_?" Aaerlyn wrinkled her nose when Kiyan produced a pack of beet-flavored gummies from one of the pockets.

"I was _five_. And, also, these are around six years old, so they don't look that great."

"You're sure all of your biological family are dead?" A recurring topic was the chance survival of any of Kiyan's relatives, even distant ones.

"Everyone except Galanoth. He writes to me occasionally. I'm quite positive that I don't have any distant relatives; I remember my Dad saying that they were all killed by King Slugwrath or something."

"Wow."

"At least I have nice parents now. It could be worse; I could have these awful people that force me to do all their chores and stuff. And Athena is really cool too."

"Uh-huh," Aaerlyn kept digging around in the bag. "Hey...what's this?" She pulled out a gold chain with a dragon pendant.

"That's a Dragon Amulet. My mom used to wear it all the time."

"Cool," The Elf seemed deep in thought. "I'm just wondering, though, what happened to the gems that Akriloth stole."

"Azru."

"Gesundheit."

"No, Azru. That's what my aunt called them."

"Huh. I wonder why Akriloth wanted them so bad?

"I'm not sure. I recall my mother saying that they helped weaken a great beast or something. Anyway," Kiyan stood up. "It's not important. Probably never will be."

* * *

_4,992 years after the Reset..._

Aaerlyn had left two months ago. A group of Elves from the east had visited. At the end of their stay, Aaerlyn's parents decided that they should leave with them and be with others of their kind. Raicom, too, was gone. He was training to be a warrior in Falconreach. Athena would be leaving soon as well; she wanted to learn Alchemy.

This would effectively leave Kiyan alone without any friends or siblings.

"Won't you get bored here?" Athena asked for the twentieth time.

"Definitely. We're not even _real_ rogues," Kiyan complained. "We don't steal or anything. It gets annoyingly monotonous, even with you here," She stared at her adoptive sister. "Do you know that Mage guy who invited you?"

"Nope. I hear he's not scary and old or anything. He already has one student, but he said he doesn't mind teaching me some spells. That'll probably help when that Reens person shows me how to make potions. I could enhance them with speed boosts and such. Or poison them, if I hate whoever's gonna drink it."

"That's good to know," Kiyan rolled over on her bed. "Maybe you could skip the potions and just make poison."

"So what are you gonna do? Live here for the rest of your life?"

"I don't know. Raicom keeps telling me about Falconreach. It sounds really cool; they even have a Guardian Tower there."

"Yeah, because Guardians are SO awesome and SO powerful!"

"And it only costs $19.95 to be one!" **(A/N: Hooray for product placement!)**

"Kiyan," Mlril and Krel entered Kiyan's room."Raicom sent you a letter."

_Dear Kiyan,_

_GET YOUR LAZY BUTT OVER HERE!_

_Love, Raicom_

"Wow, that was freakishly convenient," Athena commented.

Kiyan sighed. "How far away is Falconreach?"

"What?! You're going to leave before me?" Athena gasped. Kiyan smacked her lightly.

"Quite far. You should leave tomorrow if you want to get there in a week."

"Just like that?! You're really going to let her go?"

"She's sixteen. I think she's old enough," Mlril pointed out.

"Okay. She'll go first thing in the morning," Krel smiled.

"Don't most people?" Kiyan asked.

It took her family about three minutes to figure out how sick that was.

* * *

The next day, Kiyan and Mlril prepared leave. Kiyan placed her daggers into her old backpack. She clasped her Dragon Amulet (because it's so cool it gets to be capitalized) around her neck before mounting her horse.

"I'm going to miss you!" Athena sniffed. "What will I do without you? I'll be soooo bored! I can't-"

"Dude, chill. You're leaving about three days from now."

"Oh yeaaaah."

Kiyan waved goodbye to the Clans and rode out of their territory with her mother. After a few hours, they reached a dense forest. Mlril halted her horse.

"Would you like me to go farther with you?"

"No, I'm fine," Kiyan handed her reins to Mlril. "You can take Peony back. Keeping a horse with me would be too hard."

"Are you sure?"

"Very," Kiyan hugged her mother tightly.

"Listen, I-I know that you are not of my flesh and blood, but you are truly my child," Mlril squeezed her back. "Your father and I are extremely proud of you."

"Thanks, Mom."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Kiyan pulled away and walked off.

After a few minutes, she could see what appeared to be a manor of some sort in the distance. She slashed her way through the dense trees using her daggers.

Kiyan made it to a clearing with worn-out path that led to the manor. She was about to step on it when she noticed a small cliff. She walked over to see the view.

There she stood. One day, she would be involved in the safekeeping of the Orbs. One day, she would become a great hero. One day, she would save Lore.

Today was not "one day". Rest assured, "one day" would come soon enough-_too_ soon, in fact. But for right now, she would have to make do with her currently much simpler, calmer existence. For now, instead of being a savior, instead of being a crucial part of Lore's survival, instead of being an Avatar, she is a somewhat naïve, relatively hopeful rogue with a warped sense of humor.

She had no purpose, no mission, no ulterior motive. She was just really, really bored.

"It's the perfect day for adventure. I can just feel it!"

Suddenly, a red dragon popped up and stared at her.

"Eeeeek! Aren't new adventurers supposed to start off fighting rats or something?"

"Only in RuneScape," The dragon replied.

"What?"

"Never mind," It coughed. It pushed its head closer, seemingly ready to attack.

"Nononononono! I'M NOT READY!" Kiyan wailed. She shielded her face with her daggers, awaiting her fiery end.

Instead, the dragon rested its head on the ground. A small, red Moglin and a woman wearing a long, white cloak with a hood stepped off. The woman was carrying a black box with a dragon symbol on it.

"Hiyas!" The Moglin chirped at the perplexed Kiyan. "The path is clear, priestess!" He called to his companion.

"Thank you, Twilly. Pardon us. We're just passing through," The woman smiled at Kiyan. Kiyan nodded briefly, not wanting to take her eyes off the dragon. Twilly led the priestess eastward.

"I really should just eat this adventurer now...it would save me a lot of trouble in the long run," The dragon contemplated. "But then again, she DID make me promise..."

"If you're going to consume me, may I request salt?" Kiyan asked. "Pepper makes me sneeze."

"...See you in a few years!" The dragon cackled before flying away. Shrugging it off, the rogue continued on her way to Falconreach.

"Oh my. Who put this carpet in the middle of the forest?"

"Priestess! That's not a carpet, that's a gorillaphant!"

"RAWR!" Kiyan saw Twilly get punted clear across the forest. The Moglin landed at her feet. He sat upright and started to cry.

"Aw, c'mere, little guy," Kiyan said gently. "Help me attack that nasty old gorrillaphant!"

"Yay!" Twilly cheered. Kiyan and he ran up to the gorrillaphant. The rogue hammered at his legs while Twilly backed her up with spells. She was about to run her dagger down one of its legs when it kicked her away and brought its tusks crashing onto her head.

"Oww! How'd it do that?" Kiyan griped.

"That's because Twillies enchanted the forest water with a powerful liquid that causes the creatures to be highly dangerous!"

"You did _what_?!"

"Isn't Twillies smart?"

Kiyan punted the Moglin. Hard.

Twilly landed smack dab on the gorrillaphant's face. The beast let out a loud bellow and thrashed wildly, confused. When one of its paws was lifted, Kiyan thrust one of her daggers into it. The gorrillaphant collapsed.

"Thank you ever so much!" The priestess gushed. "May I know the name of my hero?"

"But Lady Celestia, you said her name is Kiyan and that's she's destined to save the world!"

Kiyan blinked. "What?"

"Twilly," Celestia hissed. She turned back to the rogue. "I'm sorry, we need to get going. Could you please tell Captain Rolith that we're taking the shortcut? He's in Oaklore Keep," She explained, pointing at the Keep in the distance. "Don't tell anyone else. Only him."

"Sure."

"Thanks. I'm certain we will meet again," Celestia said.

"Especially since she's going to take that Black Dragon Box and-"

Celestia cut Twilly off with an impatient sigh.

"Hey, Twilly?" Kiyan addressed the Moglin.

"Yes?"

"What _was_ that powerful liquid you used?"

"Health potions."

* * *

Oaklore Keep was beautiful and sunny. In the center was a tall, brown building, with a few smaller buildings joined to it in a sprawling, clumsy manner. A few armored knights were wandering around, stopping occasionally to chat. Kiyan tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," She whispered. "Do you know where Captain Rolith is?"

"Oh, I'm afraid he's not here right now. He's at a neighboring village a few miles away," The knight answered.

"When will he be back?"

"Two days from now."

"Well, that's a problem..."

"I could relay your message, if you want," The knight offered.

"Thank you, but the sender requested that it be kept private."

"All right," He examined Kiyan closely. "You look trustworthy enough. Why don't you stay until he comes back?"

"Really? That's very kind! It's not like I'm in any rush to get to Falconreach, anyway."

"No problem. My name is Sir Valance, by the way," Sir Valance shook her hand.

"I'm Kiyan," The rogue looked around. "No offense, but is there anything to do here?"

"Actually, I DO have something you could help with...maybe you should go to the Mess Hall first. It's right over there," He pointed at a door with a painting of a *root beer* mug over it. "I'll prepare the equipment for your task."

"Okay!" Kiyan grinned at Sir Valance gratefully and headed to the door to the Mess Hall.

"Wow, am I glad that that roleplaying is done," She mumbled when he was out of earshot.

The Mess Hall was a crowded, well, _mess_. More than fifty knights were crammed into chairs. At the center of the room stood an armor clad, humanoid boar.

"Hi," Kiyan said casually. The boar looked up at her.

"Hello. I'm Sir Loin."

"Is everyone's name a pun here? This place is awesome!"

"Would you like something to eat?"

"Nope. I'm just in here to kill time."

"You seem to be an adventurer of some sort. If you don't mind, could you possibly get rid of-hold on. How's the grub, boys?" Sir Loin called out to a group of knights sitting across the room.

"This is Sir Fanturf," He said, pointing at one. "That's Sir Reeyal and Sir Hup next to him."

"These taste weird. Can I have a steak instead? Another knight shouted.

Sir Loin glared at him. "That's the soon-to-be-late Sir Deen," He growled at the now cowering man. The cook turned back to Kiyan. "Anyway, would you mind getting rid of those pesky tuskmongers out back? They're eating all my crops."

"But...isn't that like killing a family member to you?"

"...I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

"Yeaaah."

* * *

Kiyan returned to the Mess Hall twenty minutes later, leaving a trail of KO'ed tuskmongers behind her.

"That task was a _boar_."

"That's not funny."

"I bet when they wake up, they'll come after me with pitch_porks_."

"Seriously, stop."

"You know, this restaurant is certainly _swine_ dining-"

"Shut up!" Sir Loin headbutted her to make her do so.

"THAT's gonna leave a mark..." She groaned. "I think you may have hit my _hamstring_-"

"You just don't give up, do you?" Sir Loin snapped.

Kiyan ran outside in order to avoid another headbutt. Somewhat dazed, she wandered around before stumbling into the library.

"Hi! Wait...you're not a knight..."

"No, I'm not," A black-haired, pigtailed girl wearing glasses agreed. "I'm Maya, Oaklore's bookkeeper."

"Nice to meet you, Maya!" She noticed how downcast Maya looked. "What's wrong?"

"A few bandits stole a crate," She sniffed. "When they realized its contents were just books, they dumped them somewhere in the forest. We managed to recover most of them, but a few are still missing."

"Wow, that's terrible. I think I'm heading out to the forest later. I'll keep an eye out for them."

"Thank you so much! These books are very important to the Keep," Maya explained. "They hold important historical records. Their previous owner, an anonymous donor, would be very displeased to find them gone. I haven't met him myself, but Rolith tells me he's a great Elf." **(A/N: Foreshadowing FTW! :D)**

"Kiyan!" Sir Valance called. The rogue gave a quick goodbye wave to Maya and ran outside.

"I need you to help us with the Sneevils."

"You mean those weird box-obsessed goblins?"

"Yes, them. Could you go to the forest and teach them a lesson? I think they've started to head for the Keep. Also, Sir Chandestroy- "

"That's the best pun!"

"...Sir Chandestroy told me that Sir Junn, our doctor, needs some purple royal honey from the Oaklore Buzzers. All the knights are allergic to bees, so we need something to cure us quickly."

"That sounds easy," Kiyan shrugged.

Sir Valance walked her to the gate. "You're welcome to keep any weapons you may find there. Just beware of the seedspitters. The forest officially begins after you pass the big oak tree."

Kiyan exited the Keep, passed a few guards, and strolled around aimlessly until she hit the tree.

"OW! They should put warning signs on these things!"

So Kiyan, the future savior of Lore, two of the greatest heroes ever, and the eventual very embodiment of Hope, spent five minutes of her first real quest rubbing her sore head.

"That hurts like the Dickens...HEY!" The rogue noticed a small, green figure scampering away, holding a large cardboard box.

Gripping her daggers tightly, Kiyan followed it. She didn't need to be very careful; the Sneevil was too busy singing to its new possession to notice her.

"I looooveee you for sentimental reaaaaasooons!" It crooned. She winced at its horrible voice before tripping over a branch.

"I have GOT to stop doing that...!" Kiyan cried. She quickly clamped one hand over her mouth.

"What?" The Sneevil whirled around. "Who there?" No reply. "Show uself!"

Kiyan had to bite her hand in order to not make any inappropriate jokes.

The Sneevil clutched the box tightly. "NO ONE CAN STEAL MY LOVELY BOXY!"

Okay, that was it. That was the tipping point. Kiyan fell over laughing hysterically.

"You!" It shrilled, stomping over to the bushes where she was hiding. "YOU WANT TO STEAL MY LOVELY BOXY!"

"No, I don't. Believe me...she seems (ahem) taken..."

"FOR LOVELY BOXY!" The Sneevil shrieked. It leaped into the air and stuck its leg out to kick the rogue.

"Now, now," Kiyan scolded. She grabbed the Sneevil's leg and tossed it to the ground. It sat upright, dazed.

"I'll let you go-you and your Boxy, since no one wants cardboard boxes that much, anyway."

"I DO!"

"Yes, but you're different," Kiyan cleared her throat. "Anyway, I just need some information."

"Fine!"

"Are you Sneevils planning on invading Oaklore Keep?"

"Of course!"

"Why?"

"It looks like a giant box!"

Kiyan pictured the Keep in her head. "Yeah, actually, it does," She admitted. "But look-you have your Boxy. Doesn't that satisfy you?"

"No!"

"I mean, how would YOU feel if Boxy invaded an...I dunno, really ugly cabbage just because it looked like a Sneevil? It would mean she's in love with your _race_, not _you_. And that would hurt a lot, like your head if you knock it on a gigantic oak tree."

"...Yeah..."

"Treat Boxy the way you would like to be treated!" Kiyan exclaimed. "Be faithful to her! Treasure her! Love her! But don't make little Sneeboxes, because that would just be _weird_."

"Yes...yes!" The Sneevil declared. "Me tell friends no invade! WE LOVE OUR BOXES ONLY!"

"Atta boy!" Kiyan cheered.

"We only invade Keep for _money_!"

"...What?"

The Sneevil ran off, leaving a very confused rogue behind with a throbbing headache.

Kiyan batted an Oaklore Buzzer away. She was holding a large jar of royal purple honey in one hand.

"Leave me bee!" She shouted. The Buzzer, annoyed by this terrible jest, flung itself at Kiyan and attempted to sting her.

"I guess you're not a PUNny Bee, huh?" She snickered. The Buzzer flew off, disgusted.

Kiyan had been tracking the Sneevil for hours. If she could get to its home, she might be able to persuade their leader not to attack. She could see a fort made out of boxes in the clearing; she figured that was probably it. A few Sneevils stood guard in front of the door. Kiyan approached them.

"I need to speak to your lea-"

"GET HER!" The two guards pounced on her.

"What the-?" Kiyan watched as the Sneevils pounded on her arms weakly.

"Okay, stop. That tickles!"

"FOR BOXIES!" They chorused.

"This is gonna take a while..."

* * *

The rogue stepped over a fainted Sneevil and climbed up a ladder. The silly little things were too small and puny to pose any threat to her. She had managed to fight through about three levels of them with ease. As unintelligent as they were, she had to admit, it _was_ a nice fort.

The next floor was an open-air platform swarming with Sneevils. There was a large door on the other side. Kiyan bashed two of Sneevils' heads together and kicked the rest away, slamming them into the boxes. She knocked on the door.

"Yeah? Wus da password?" A voice on the other side asked.

"Uh oh. Password?" Kiyan guessed.

"No! What you think we are, the Watergate staff?" **(A/N: Yeah, that's probably not historically accurate at all. ;p Consider that line non-canon or something.)**

"I'll be right back," Kiyan grabbed one of the conscious Sneevils. "Tell me the password!"

"No!"

"Tell me the password or I'll kill you!" She threatened.

"No!"

Kiyan sighed and dropped the Sneevil back onto the floor. "I'll just tell Sir Valance I failed," She muttered sadly. She kicked a box dejectedly as she slunk back to the ladder.

"No!"

"I didn't say anything!"

The Sneevil started to cry. "You kicked box! DON'T KICK BOX!" He pleaded.

Kiyan took one good look at his frightened, sullen face. Upon seeing all the love and devotion he had for it, she came to a profound conclusion.

"I'll kick box if I want to," She growled menacingly. She lifted her foot again for good measure.

"You don't!"

"I do!" She inched her foot closer.

"NO!"

"I'll kick box then EAT IT!"

"Nooooooo!" The Sneevil wailed. He threw himself at her feet. "I'll tell password AND secret knock if you don't kick box!"

"...There's a secret knock?!" Kiyan exclaimed.

"Yeah. What you think we are, the Watergate staff?"

"...No..."

Kiyan bent down. The Sneevil whispered the password and the secret knock to her. He then ran off, hugging the box tightly. The rogue went back to the door and tapped on it again.

"Yeah? Wus da password?"

"All your boxes R belong to us."

"Yeah, yeah, great. Now do da knock. Do eet!"

Knock

Knock

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

…Knock...

**(A/N: The word 'knock' now sounds foreign to me.)**

"Dat wus dee best nock I'b eber hurd! Get een eer!"

The door opened; Kiyan stepped inside. She was greeted by three horrified Sneevils. Another ladder was propped up on one of the walls. It led to a big, tarp-covered hole. The Sneevils started to scream as she walked towards it.

"OMG! It's a human and she knows our seekret knock!" The first one cried.

"Oh no! How did she figueer eet out?"

"...Or she's da tallest Sneevil ibe ebber seen!"

"So long, boxheads!" Kiyan knocked two of them out. The first one glared at her.

"Yu are ebil!"

"Ebil? That's not a word. I have _no_ idea how the heck would want to be considered _ebil_."

"I am dee box office majoor! I habe to protecht de oders and de beeyutifal boxes!" The box office major launched himself at Kiyan. She stepped aside, causing him to crash onto the ground.

"Yu are meen!"

Kiyan conked him on the head with her boot. He fainted.

The rogue scurried up the ladder, lifted the tarp, and crawled through the hole. She immediately hit her head on a crate.

"OW! Again?!" Kiyan raised a dagger. "I oughta-hey!" A dusty, red book lay on top of the crate. She grabbed it and stared at the cover. The words, "Property of Oaklore Library" were scrawled on the front.

"This must be one of Maya's!" Kiyan opened it and read the first page.

"_Lore._

_Lorithia._

_We reside in Lorithia. _

_Lorithia resides in us. _

_Lorithia is Hope._

_We reside in Hope._

_Hope resides in us._

_We are Lorithia._

_Lorithia is us._

_We are Hope._

_Hope is us._

_Lore."_

"Woah...this is a super crappy book," Kiyan tossed it into her backpack and stood up. "It's like a messed up free verse poem or something," She examined the other boxes, barrels, and various containers. Most of them had the word "Weapons" stamped on them, but none of them actually held anything of importance. The Sneevils must've dumped most of the stuff out, as they were prone to doing.

Kiyan continued scanning the containers for something of value. She was interrupted by a loud shriek.

"Who are yu?!?" A Sneevil wearing a piece of cardboard on his head had spotted her. Two other Sneevils were behind him, sitting on a pile of boxes.

"More roleplaying. Oh, joy," Kiyan sighed.

"I am Boxking. These are Imps of Barrels and Chests. Who you?" The Sneevil barked.

"Hello, good sir. I come here on behalf of the noble knights of Oaklore Keep. They are aware that you may possibly be considering invading them in order to-"

"We invade Box! We rule Box! We take Box's money and buy MORE BOX!"

"So much for roleplaying, huh?"

"I ATTACK YOU!"

"That's not very nice!"

The Boxking and the Imp of Barrels charged at her, while the Imp of Chests perched on top of the boxes and flung their unimportant contents at her.

Kiyan stepped over the Imp of Barrels and stabbed him in the back. She kicked the Boxking away before smacking the Imp of Chests with her daggers. The Boxking recovered and tried to ram into her, but she managed to grab his arm and toss him aside. She clambered onto the pile of boxes, took a huge one, and threw it on top of him.

"That should hold you until your followers come to."

Kiyan hopped off the boxes and examined some of the weapons the Imp of Chests had thrown. Most of them were practically nonexistent. She picked up an old, rotting wooden sword.

"I might as well take this..." She sheathed her daggers and grasped the sword. The word "Shipwreck" was written across the hilt.

"I wonder what this used to be," Kiyan pondered. "Maybe a house or a dam or something."

* * *

After giving the tome to Maya and dropping off the honey at the infirmary, Kiyan stepped out into the courtyard to find Sir Valance. After a few minutes of searching, she entered the main building.

"...And then, Sir Mise, I sang out my heart to her, confessing how I felt," Kiyan heard somebody drawl. She climbed up the stairs, following his voice.

"Sir Annaid, I'm guessing it didn't go very well, considering how this is your fifth mug of *exotic nonalcoholic beverage*" Another person spoke.

"Uh...Hey," Kiyan said awkwardly. The knights looked up at her. "Do you know where Sir Valance is?"

"He's in the meeting upstairs," Sir Mise jerked his head towards the ceiling. "Visitors are allowed, so don't worry."

"Thanks. And...uh, Sir Annaid, I hear that 'For Sentimental Reasons' works reaaaallly well on (cough) women."

"I could try that," Sir Annaid agreed thoughtfully. Kiyan headed up the staircase again.

"Welcome, brave hero!" Kiyan nearly fell over in shock. "We are the Knights of the Pactagonal Table and we beseech you to join us in our adventures of glory!"

"That's...very kind," She noticed group of knights standing around a table.

"Our greatest threats are the Vurrmen and Sneevil attacks," Another knight boomed.

"Agreed, Sir Gent," The first knight nodded. "And we need to continue our quest for the Semi Holy Grande Pumkin-spice Cappuccino."

"Kiyan here has helped us with the Sneevils," Sir Valance gestured at the rogue. "They haven't tried to steal boxes all morning."

"Oooh! Oooh! Hey, Sir Preem! Why don't we tax the villagers so they can't afford food? Then we can send thugs to beat them up!"

A long, looming silence followed.

"Sir Tax," Sir Preem frowned. "We're the good guys, remember?"

"Oh...right," Sir Tax winced.

"Excuse me, but...what's a 'pactagonal'?" Kiyan asked. Another huge bout of silence followed.

"Sir Tainly...(cough) certainly you're joking!"

"Right, Sir Kull!" Sir Vallance cried. He turned to Kiyan."It's a form of the pactogram. The pactogram is one of the most basic shapes! Every geometry course uses it;

-Circle

-Square

-Triangle

-Pactogram"

"It's an essential part of daily life-it has unlimited uses," Sir Kull added. "Just one glance at our table should prove it!"

Kiyan stared at the table. It was shaped like a pie with one piece cut out, and it had a small hole on top of the missing block, like an eye.

"Ooo...kay..."

"Anyway, that's all the time we have today. Meeting adjourned!" Sir Preem and the others headed down the steps. Sir Valance remained.

"We seem to have another problem," He sighed. "The Sneevil Ninja Shogan-"

"Wait, what?"

"The Sneevil Ninja Shogan. They have spies planted all over the area. I hate to impose, but could you head to the Dojo and see what you can find out?"

"Is this Dojo shaped like a giant box, too?"

"No."

"Awww, man."


	2. SIR ENITY NOW!

**Chapter title=Seinfeld reference. Yay! ;p**

_Two hours later..._

"Okay, I've done your dirty work_._" Kiyan tossed a bag full of boxes onto the pactagonal table. "Those Sneevil-Ninja things are hilarious."

* * *

_Flashback_

"FOR BOXIES!" The Sneeninjas shrieked. They all charged at Kiyan and leaped into the air to kick her.

She stepped aside and they fell off the building.

* * *

"I also got Sir Jing's weapons for Sir Casm and Sir Vivor. Any other quests for me to do?"

"Not especially. You could ask the other knights, I suppose."

"I already checked up on Sir Pernatural. It was such a letdown. His name isn't even a real pun."

Kiyan exited the main building and handed a letter to Sir Viss, the mailknight. **(A/N: I am reaaaalllly surprised that AE hasn't figured that pun out yet)**

_Dear Raicom,_

_I'll be late. SUCK IT. _

_Love, Kiyan_

_

* * *

_"BOO!" A knight jumped out of the shadows and startled the rogue.

Kiyan was unimpressed. "You must be Sir Prize."

"Yeah, kid. Hey...you wanna do something fun?"

"...THOSE LAST TWO SENTENCES DID NOT MATCH UP!"

"Sir Kuss thinks he's so brilliant. He's always trying to outprank me. I'm gonna teach him a lesson..." Sir Prize seemed to be deep in thought. "And, also, I think I'll tell the other knights that they'll get a prize if they don't attack the Sneevils or something, just to see how far it would go."

"Wow. You must be very bored."

"So, what do you say?"

"Uh...okay...I guess..."

* * *

_On top of a hill, next to an outhouse..._

"I should really bring this Daily Dragon article back for Sir Valance. He's obsessed with Sneevils."

"...OH COME ON! What're the odds of an outhouse being on top of a hill?!"

"...Is someone there?"

Kiyan sighed inwardly as she uttered her lines in a monochromatic tone. "Sir Prize sends his regards."

"What?"

"SURPRISE!" She gave the outhouse a big shove. It tipped over and slid down the hill, tumbling over some rocks along the way.

_Sploosh!_

"Oh man...oh, man...it's _everywhere_..." Sir Kuss sounded extremely disturbed. "Eww...it's in my Sneevil wounds..."

Kiyan shook her head as she ran away. "I hate how funny that was."

"You're just...you're just MEAN...! This'll never wash off..."

* * *

"KIYAN! Where have you been?" Sir Valance cried.

"Uh...nowhere. Why?"

"The Sneevils have invaded the Keep!"

"Woah. I was only gone for about ten minutes. It's a really long walk to that outhouse, you know. You should put it in a more convenient location."

"That's not the point!" Sir Valance grabbed her and shook her violently. "The point is that they want to take our boxes!"

"What's with you and these boxes?" Kiyan gasped suddenly. "Are _you_ a Sneevil?"

Ignoring her, Sir Valance continued; "FIGHT THEM! FIGHT THEM!"

"Okay, okay," A group of Sneevils passed them, each carrying a box. "Hold on, pipsqueaks," She grabbed one of their heads. "What are you planning to do with those?"

The Sneevils just stared at her.

"Never mind. Maybe I don't want to know." Kiyan shuddered.

"We really don't have time for this," Sir Valance hissed. "They're after the Ironwood Box-I just know it."

"The whaaa?"

"Ironwood Box."

"You didn't tell me about that!"

"Really? Sorry. Anyway, two of them were sent to us. One is a decoy. You need to save the real one."

"Fine. You guys guard the entrance so they can't leave."

"But we want-" Kiyan disappeared into the main building before Sir Valance could finish.

_Fifteen minutes later..._

Empty. The box was empty. Kiyan blinked at it in disbelief.

"The decoy," She muttered. She headed down the stairs, stepping on some of the fainted Sneevils in the process. "Oh, well. They couldn't have gotten very far. The knights are guarding the en-Aaaaah!" The courtyard seemed completely empty. Kiyan had never noticed how many boxes the Keep owned; everything was gone, save for five knights standing by the gate.

"Why did you let them go?" She demanded. Sir Preem looked down sheepishly.

"We wanted the prize."

* * *

"I did it!" Kiyan announced, dragging an iron box into the courtyard. "Don't ask how. It involves one annoyed Sneevil king, one piece of rope, and a banana peel used in a nontraditional, semi-illegal way." **(A/N: I am curious to see how male readers would interpret this. .)**

"Wow!"

"She's a heroine!"

"All hail Kiyan!"

"Relax. It's just a box." She shrugged.

"IT'S NOT JUST A BOX!" A blonde, heavily-armored man that Kiyan had never seen before stood up and strode towards her. "That contains an important shipment of enchanted rings from the Good King Alteon. It cost him a fortune, but it was worth it. These will keep our knights protect the Keep even better."

"How are you going to wear rings if all of you have armor on?"

The man fell silent.

"ZOMG plot hole."

"...That's not important. Anyway, on behalf of King Alteon, I thank you for retrieving them. I personally think you've earned one." He knelt down, opened the box, pulled out a gold ring with a ruby, and handed it to Kiyan. "This will help increase your endurance and remind you always of your good deeds. Thank you, brave hero." The other knights applauded.

"Let's Sir Round-I mean, surround her and cheer her on!"

"I know it's informal, but it's a beautiful Sir Emoni-I mean, ceremony!"

"Stop accidentally cracking puns. We don't want the Captain to give us another Sir Mon-I mean, sermon."

"Okay. THAT'S IT! Back inside!" The man barked. The knights grumbled under their breaths and filed into the main building. Kiyan stared at the man.

"I'm Kiyan. Who are you, exactly?"

"I'm Captain Rolith." Rolith shook Kiyan's hand.

"Oh, good. Lady Celestia wanted me to tell you that she's taking the shortcut."

"WHAT?! You saw the Priestess on the way here?!"

"Yeah."

"She should've stopped over at the Keep! The forest is crawling with bandits looking for her!" Rolith grabbed Kiyan and shook her.

"Two times in one day. Woah."

"You need to save her!"

"Woooow. Do you have a crush or something?"

The Captain started to sweat. "Uh...no..."

"Ooo...kay...I'll get right to it, then."

* * *

"Hand over the box and we'll kill you quickly." A thin, lanky man was confronting Lady Celestia. Two Darkwolves stood behind him, rubbing their maces with their gloved hands. Kiyan arrived just in time to rush in between them. She pointed the Shipwreck at the man.

"Hold up! I don't know who you are, but you'd better back off!" Kiyan snapped. She pulled out one of her daggers and held it in her free hand.

"We need to protect the Black Dragon Box at all costs," Celestia whispered. The man scowled and glared at Kiyan haughtily.

"I am Drakath, the rightful prince of these lands!"

"Yes, and I'm Kiyan, the queen of chocolate fairyworld and all its inhabitants."

"Really?"

"No."

"Whatever," Drakath snorted. "I don't need to waste my time on peasants like you."

"Really? Like what your dad did when he married your mom?"

"Burn!" Celestia cheered.

"That box is the key to my throne. There's no way I'm letting a _peasant _like you keep it from me. My Darkwolves and I will take it, no matter what."

"So you must be the new leader of the...? Oh, yes. Of course, Prince Drakath, sir. I take back what I said earlier."

"Huh. Interesting."

"Your dad _never_ married your mom!"

"That's it!" Drakath hoisted his sword above his head. The Darkwolves ran to their leader's side. "You will be blown away by the winds of my great destiny! DIE!"

Kiyan ducked under his sword and slashed one of the Darkwolves' legs. He let out a howl of pain and collapsed on the ground. The other bandit charged at her and managed to land a blow to her right arm. Biting her lip, she kicked him in the shin and whacked him with the Shipwreck.

Drakath let out a scream of rage and swung his sword at her, scratching her cheek. She blocked his next attack and cuffed his face. Seeing an opening, she ran her dagger down his arm. He staggered back, gaping in a mix of astonishment and anger.

"Impossible! You got lucky this time, rogue!" Drakath spat.

"My name is Kiyan! Remember it!"

Meanwhile, a passing Sneevil noticed the Black Dragon Box. It picked it up and scampered away, squealing happily.

"Oh, I will remember..." Drakath hissed. "You can count on that." He stepped over the unconscious bodies of his comrades and teleported away.

"Whew! I'm so glad I got to you in time, Lady Celestia!" Kiyan bowed to her respectfully.

"As am I. Unfortunately, while you were smack-talking, a Sneevil came along and stole the Box."

"WHAT?!"

"You should go to Falconreach and visit Twilly. He has some friends that can help you. There's a new bridge up ahead that's guarded by Sir Pent. It's a fast way to get there; it's cut the normal traveling time in half."

"Fine, but...why didn't you tell me about the Sneevil?"

"You were on a roll, with your speech and all. I really couldn't have interrupted you just like that. That would've been rude."

"Yeah, that _was_ pretty nice of yo-What the flip am I saying?" Kiyan darted away. "I need to get that freaking box!"

"Good luck!" Celestia called. "I hope your journey is not too difficult!"

* * *

_Two days later..._

"Give us all your gold," The bandits snarled. Three mace-wielding Darkwolves stood in front of Kiyan. One of them pushed his face close to hers and growled threateningly.

"I would _love_ to, but the thing is, I have...uh...iousuflsdfosephobia."

"Whaaaat?"

"Yes. I have a fear of gold."

"But then...how do you buy food or shelter?"

"I don't. I live in a cardboard box in the middle of the forest. When I get hungry, I take a bite out of it. Or I munch on my fingernails. Whichever. Also, I scream every time I see Al Roker's head, because it's shiny, like gold. **(A/N: Non-canon! Non-canon!)**

"Oh. Very sorry to bother you, miss," The bandits parted, allowing a snickering Kiyan to pass.

* * *

A blue, slightly scarred Moglin stood on top of a stump. He was holding a staff with a skull perched on it, and was wearing a dark blue cape. A brown blob lay on the ground next to him. He grinned and waved at the rogue.

"Hi! Who are you?" Kiyan called.

"Zorbak, the mighty necromancer!"

Kiyan noticed the furry form next to the Moglin. "What's that?"

"Just a man-eating bear," Zorbak said dismissively.

"Won't PETA get mad?"

"No, stupid. The bear eats _you_," Zorbak hopped off his stump and scurried away. "Have fun. Mehehehe!"

Kiyan stared at the bear expectantly. It gave a loud snore and rolled over.

"Idiot Moglin," She muttered. The rogue was about to continue on her merry way when Zorbak let out a loud holler.

"HEY, BEAR! WAAAAKE UP!"

* * *

"Idiot Moglin!" Kiyan raged. Sir Pent seemed to look at her sympathetically.

"Zorbak?" He guessed.

"Unfortunately, yes." The rogue stepped onto the bridge. "Wow, it's so...peaceful. Must get boring, just standing here every day, huh?"

A sea serpent smashed through the bridge and screeched at Kiyan. Two other heads emerged and flanked it. One of them rammed into the knight, slamming him against the support beam.

"Not really," Sir Pent mumbled as he passed out.

"Oh, crap." One of the secondary heads lunged at her, knocking her off her feet. She managed to score its eyes with the Shipwreck, blinding it. The main head snapped at her as the other smaller head spewed out water bombs.

Kiyan thrust her dagger into the other smaller head's cheek. It let out a loud shriek and crashed into the largest one. The two tiny heads jostled with each other briefly before disappearing beneath the water.

The remaining one smacked Kiyan aside and tried to bite her. She jammed the Shipwreck into its mouth, pushed it away, and threw the dagger into its neck. Green blood oozed out of the wound. The serpent let out one final screech before letting its head fall limp.

Its body sank back into the sea's depths, leaving its head lodged in the hole it had created.

Kiyan helped Sir Pent up to his feet. "Now what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that Hydra-thing just broke your bridge."

"Oh, no, that's fine," Sir Pent said dismissively. "It's really simple. Just walk on it."

"Ew. Well, thanks for the _heads-up. _I can tell where this is _headed_. I'll do it, even if it means I guess I'll go _on a head_, huh?"

"Are you done?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Falconreach was beautiful. Kiyan could see a Guardian Tower on top of a cliff, next to a portal of some sorts. She noticed a tiny, inviting building in the distance. Coming closer, she saw the word 'INN' scrawled on a sign. In front of it stood a spiky-haired boy wearing makeshift armor.

"Um...hey..." The boy waved at her shyly.

"Hi." Kiyan walked up to him. "You are...?"

"My name's Ash; the town page," He introduced himself. "You must be Kiyan. Raicom told me about you."

"Really? That's sweet."

"Uh..."

* * *

_Two weeks earlier..._

"And (hic) then, I said 'Wowies! That's a big pancake!'...What was I talking about? (hic)" Raicom took another swig of his health potion. He and Ash were the only ones awake in the inn. Several empty bottles were strewn about their table and the floor. The page sighed and shook his head.

"Dude, you're drunk."

"I AM NOT DRUNK. I'm Raicom."

"...Yet you still manage to make stupid jokes."

"That was (hic) not a (hic) joke (hic)."

"Right..."

"Have I told you about my childhood friend/pseudo-girlfriend?"

"I don't think so, no. I am, however, wondering how you managed to say "slash" in a spoken sentence."

"Her name's Kiyan. I'm gonna send her an invitation to come here. And stuff." The warrior downed his potion. "I NEED MORE OF THESE!" He yelled at a chair. It failed to reply. "The service here is terrible," He complained. "HEY! Do you know who I am?" No answer. "Seriously! SOMEONE TELL ME WHO I AM!"

"You're Raicom."

"I'M DRUNK!"

* * *

"Er, yes. Yes it was," Ash coughed.

"Do you know where he is?"

"Oh, actually, he's visiting Willowshire right now. He'll be returning in later in the day. I think he said something about you "missing him 'cause you were too busy helping all of the pun-orientated knights with their box crazy problems and stuff and man this is a run-on sentence." I'm not sure. I don't get what the guy's saying more than half of the time."

"That's too bad," Kiyan paused. "Nah, screw 'im. What about Twilly?"

"He's gone too." Ash pointed at the building. "Why don't you wait in there? The innkeeper's real nice. From the looks of you, I think you'd be great friends."

With a grateful nod to Ash, Kiyan opened the Inn's door.

"Hello!" A short-haired, blonde girl greeted the rogue. "Welcome to my Inn! Would you like to rent a room?"

"No thanks. I'm just waiting for someone."

"I'm Sabrina." The girl noticed Kiyan's weapons and flashed her a coy smile. "Psst. Come to the back. You seem worthy enough; I'll show you something cool."

The backroom was dark and foreboding. Sabrina took Kiyan's hand and led her to a sheet-covered chest. She bent down and unlocked it.

"Would you like to buy a Doom Weapon?" Sabrina dug through the chest.

"Uh...pardon?"

"A Doom Weapon. You know, the epitome of power, strength and whatnot." The innkeeper drawled. Sabrina stood up and showed Kiyan a black axe, a pair of daggers, and a short staff. They gleamed brightly, despite (or maybe due to) the lack of light. The rogue dared to lay a finger on the axe. An overwhelmingly feeling of hate flowed through her body, causing her to pull away quickly.

"No, I'm sorry. I barely have enough gold for food," Kiyan fibbed.

Sabrina seemed disappointed. "Oh, okay."

"(Gosh, this is the fifth-ish time I've done this all day) My name's Kiyan. I'll see you around, all right?"

"Sure." Sabrina gave an unusually knowing grin to Kiyan. "You will."


	3. Aria 51

"Ash?"

"Yes?"

"That girl is a freaking nutcase."

"Really? I know she's can be a little weird, but-"

"She tried to sell me "Doom Weapons"," Kiyan hissed. "They creeped me out. Are you sure she has a license to operate?"

"I've never heard of those weapons before. Maybe she's just a little tipsy or something?"

"I doubt it." Kiyan plopped onto the ground and stared up at her new friend. "So, why are you wearing that armor?"

"Oh!...Uhm...well, this is kinda stupid..."

"No, no. Go ahead. I've just spent nearly the entire of this week chasing around box goblins and idiot bandits. I've also saved a Priestess and her Moglin from a woodland creature made powerful due to said Moglin's spiking the water with health potions. Then, I defeated the prince of his-own-mind and fought a giant sea monster. _Nothing_ could be stupid after that."

* * *

_Six months later..._

"You mean I let an entire nation burn because you failed to tell me that it's one big, honking island and I assumed it was a village?!"

* * *

"Okay...uh...I want to be a knight one day. The thing is, I'm not of noble blood. It's near impossible."

"Aw, don't say that."

"My name isn't a pun. "Sir Dragonblade"? Not even a _bad_ one."

"True." Kiyan rested her head against the Inn. "I think you still have a shot. I met this guy called "Sir Pernatural"."

Ash let out a heavy sigh. "I would do anything to be a knight. _Anything_."

"You could just save a princess, right?" Kiyan wasn't really listening. She figured she could entertain the kid enough by nodding occasionally and blurting out whatever came to mind.

Ash perked up. "Huh?"

"Yeah, you know. She's in trouble, you rescue her, her dad gets all happy, you become a knight. It's the natural progression of things, isn't it? And it's a pretty sweet deal, since usually when you sneak a teenaged girl out of a tower in the dead of night, her dad gets all mad and tries to kill you or something," Kiyan drawled.

"Yeah, that's a great idea!" Ash said excitedly. "I'm gonna save a princess and become a knight!"

"...Wait what?"

"You rock, Kiyan! I'm going to remember you and hold you accountable for this _forever_! FOREVER!" Ash waved goodbye as he ran off.

"I see you've met the wannabe pun-fest?" A familiar voice asked.

"Hi, idiot."

"Hello, moron." Raicom sat down beside her. "Okay, how'd you potentially screw up Ash's life?"

"I tried to get out of listening by telling him the plot of several cliched, outdated fairytales and ended up convincing him to rescue a princess in the rare event of a damsel in distress so he can become a knight, whereas it takes at least a decade of experience to even hope to become one, even if you're of noble blood."

"That's very kind of you."

"I know, right? That's me, always Sir-Ving others!"

* * *

"Hello," The elderly lady had a frazzled look in her eyes. "I'm sorry if I'm a bit distracted; I'm just worried about my granddaughter, Aria."

Kiyan was in a pet store in a far corner of Falconreach. Raicom had gone off somewhere, muttering something about a theft from Willowshire's Guardian Tower.

"I suspect she's at the Crittercave. I feel bad about asking a perfect stranger, but could you stay here and watch over the animals?"

A Grinder stared at Kiyan hungrily as a Pridemaster growled. A pig started running around and a goldfish and a green Slime started shoving each other, despite their lack of hands or paws. Meanwhile, a Linus smashed a Window and kicked an Apple.

"...Maybe _you_ should go to the cave and _I _should watch the animals."

* * *

The cave didn't smell that great. There was a massive giant bug infestation, and the insects' smaller cousins were buzzing around everywhere. Kiyan had pinned her nose due to the stench.

"Dis ib not cool."

"Hehehe! You're so cute, Thomas!" An echo reverberated through the walls. Curious, Kiyan followed it.

"Aaaaack!" A young, ponytailed girl stood in front of a humongous spider. Kiyan dashed up to it. "I BILL SAVE YU!"

The rogue jumped onto the spider's back and stabbed it with the Shipwreck. It gave a little hiss before collapsing.

"Why'd you do that?" The girl crossed her arms angrily.

"I'b saving yu! This ib no place for a little girl!"

"You squished my pet! Her name was gonna be Thomas."

"_Pet_? _Her_? ...U'b a weirb kid, Aria."

"Says the rogue with a clothespin on her nose."

"You win." Kiyan removed the pin. "But that...that thing was gonna eat you!"

"You don't know much about pet training, do you?" Aria smirked. "I guess I should thank you. Your heart was in the right place, unlike the open blood systems of the common arachnid."

"You're welcome...I think."

"I don't see what the big deal is. I come here every day." Aria rolled her eyes. "Silly Grams. I'm perfectly safe."

"Irigardless-"

"_Regardless_."

"Whatever. I promised to bring you back to Falconreach. Since you're such an expert, can you tell me how to get rid of your....ahem, 'pets' easily?"

"Okay. Arachnida Araneidae typifies its family in its aversion to sources of high heat..."

"Woah woah woah. Arachi-whaaa?"

"Spiders hate fire."

"That's better. Anything else? And use small words this time, please." Kiyan winced.

"All right. THE BEETLES HATE WIND!"

"I can hear you! I'm not deaf, large words just _bug_ me!" At this, Kiyan nearly fell over laughing.

"...Wow. Smart _and_ funny."

"Hehehe....heh...what about the wasps?"

"They hate earth."

"Like me at this moment," The rogue muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Let's get out of here!"

* * *

"Aria!" Grams hugged her granddaughter tightly. At the end of the day, Kiyan decided that Aria was pretty cool. She was a bit of a know-it-all, but she was pretty nice, and she was super passionate about pet taming. It was always good to have a dream. Except, of course, when it's to be a knight and you search for princesses to rescue just because an acquaintance absentmindedly told you to do so.

"Thank you so much! If you ever want to know about pet training, feel free to stop by!"

* * *

"...So then I got a goldfish. A _goldfish_? I fought against the aquatic cousins of the Sneevil for a _goldfish_?"

"Whatever." Ash opened the door to Cysero's store.

"Welcome to Cysero's shop. I make and sell only the FINEST magical weapons. But they don't come cheap... I accept payment in DRAGON COINS only. Please feel free to browse and examine all of my wears. BUT NO TOUCHY! Ding!"

"Hello, Cysero!" Kiyan looked around. "Where is he?"

"Somewhere. He lets his orb run things for him."

"He's that dependent on orbs? That's sad."

* * *

_Several years later..._

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh we need to get the Water and the Energy and the Wind and the Earth Orbs and the Ice Orb is melting because of the Fire Orb and I can't take it anymore I hate that stupid The'Galin's guts! ANNUNAKI! RAH!"

* * *

_In Yulgar's Store..._

"Well met, Kiyan! Feel free to browse. I make and sell a wide variety of weapons." A bearded, middle-aged man greeted her.

"Hello, Yulgar."

"This is my apprentice, Konnan." Yulgar turned towards a twenty-something man. He waved at her.

"Wow! A real adventurer! I'm honored to make your acquaintance," Konnan bowed. "I'm learning how to forge basic weapons now. A mage friend of mine is teaching me how to enchant them with fire!"

"A fire mage?" Kiyan grinned. "That sounds cool. I hope I get to meet him one day."

"Kiyan!" Ash burst in. "Willowshire is being attacked! Most of the Guardians are badly injured! You've killed a sea serpent, right?

She barely had enough time to nod.

"Good enough! We need your help!"

* * *

All the buildings in Willowshire were abandoned. Its once-proud Guardian Tower was tarnished and broken. A few Earth monsters were laying waste to its foundation while a tiny green dragon looked on, laughing. Kiyan squinted.

"There are these reptile-dog things and walking lizards holding spears. What are they?"

"Togs and Lizard Men. And," Ash pointed at a dragonlike, armored, bipedal creature. "Those are Dravirs. No one really knows where they came from. We're not entirely sure who that dragon is, but he looks kinda weak in comparison to others."

"Can we start beating them up now?"

"Hold on. We're waiting for-Oh, there they are." A teenaged girl clad in green and a red Moglin approached them.

"Twilly!" Kiyan stooped down and hugged the Moglin. "Listen, I need to talk to you about something. Lady Celestia was saying something about you helping me find the Black Dragon Box."

Twilly nodded. "Okaies. We need to save Willowshire first, all right?"

Kiyan noticed that the girl was holding a bow. "Who are you?"

"I'm Robina the Hood, ranger extrodinaire."

"The _hood_? Why not the _crib_?"

"...That was _so_ bad."

"Yeah, I know."

"I mean, not only was that extremely corny; it could also be taken as racist."

"Yes, but-"

"Honestly, how would you like it if-"

"Are we done?" Kiyan cut her off.

"Yeah. We are."

"Thank goodness you're here!" A female Guardian strode towards the group. "I'm Guardian Fortuna, one of Willowshire's defenders. Anyway, these Earth monsters are targeting our Tower. They seem to be led by the dragon."

Robina narrowed her eyes. "Let's target the monsters first. They'll be a nuisance if we go for the dragon right away."

Fortuna nodded. "My friends, Chuck, Steve, and Bruce, will join us later. In the meantime, start picking out those creatures!"

* * *

_A few hours later..._

"Good work." Robina smiled.

"Thanks. I thought it was pretty fun, except for that part with the tripping and the sword." Kiyan nodded. Ash growled at her. "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

Guardian Fortuna ran up to them, followed by three young men.

"That dragon...is Gorgok!"

"What? Who's Gorgok?" Kiyan asked cluelessly.

"Gorgok, the terrible Earth dragon! He is responsible for all kinds of horrible tragedies!"

"The destroyer of Deconville!" Robina called.

"The terror of TempleTerrace!" Ash added.

"The sheep shredder!" Twilly shivered.

"The Reaper of Redville!" Robina and Ash yelled simultaneously. They glanced at each other. "Hey, that was mine!"

"Jinx!" Robina exclaimed gleefully. A hurt Ash turned away and sulked.

"The dingleberry destroyer!"

"I think you made that one up." Kiyan glared at Twilly. The Moglin nodded sheepishly.

"Guys, come on...this is serious," Guardian Fourtuna sighed.

"Okay, fine..." Robina rolled her eyes. "Ash, you're un-jinxed."

"Yay!"

"Let's take Gorgok and his army DOWN!" They all chorused.

"...Jinx."

* * *

"Hail and well met! I've been waiting nine hundred and eighty years for your arrival. Unfortunately, you're one day late."

A ghostly figure clad in a dark blue armor stood in front of Kiyan. She frowned. When she had fought through the catacombs, she hadn't expected to have an informal meeting with a senile spiritual apparition.

"What?"

"They've taken it already."

"Taken what?"

The ghost blinked. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were Krisha..."

"That's my mother! Well, my biological one, anyway."

The Guardian smiled at her warmly. "My name is Lord Valorus, Guardian of the Thorn and the first commander of the Tower. I took an oath to guard the secrets of our Order's power with my very soul. Then, I accidentally sealed myself in here. Let me tell you...if you are ever tasked with creating a secure vault, put handles on _both sides_."

"So what is "it" that you were talking about?"

He switched to a strange, foreign language. For some odd reason, Kiyan could understand him perfectly. The Dragon Amulet rumbled as he spoke.

"I'm sorry for my sudden switch to Draconic," Lord Valorus apologized. "I find myself speaking it when I'm agitated."

"You were saying?" Kiyan prompted in English.

"I can't...I can't say. My oath does not allow me. But that gleam in her eyes...it reminded me of those Rare Item Hunters I used to travel with. You must not allow this power to fall into the wrong hands. Go quickly and warn the other towers. If they have not been attacked yet, they soon will be."

"Okay. Hey, since you knew my mother, could you tell me about this?" Kiyan held up her Dragon Amulet. (because it's so cool it gets to be capitalized)

"A thousand years ago, our king sent us to investigate the mysterious appearance of monsters. Back then, we were all just naïve, silly adventurers, like you."

"Thanks...Hey!"

"Our lands were suddenly ravaged by elemental creatures. Each type originated from a different source. When we fought our way to the center of these hordes...we were not ready for what we found. The Kingdom was torn to pieces because of it. Thus, we took our oaths. We would use this power for good, and keep it from evil. We built these towers to mark and defend them. We serve no king; only the entire world. However, even this vault was not enough to secure it. So we put a lock on it. That Amulet-"

"Is the key!" Kiyan finished his sentence in Draconic. Her eyes widened in surprise. "Did I just...did I just speak...?!"

"Yes. That is one of the Amulet's powers. Use it to guard against evil. Back when we were adventuring, your mother and I always disagreed on whether our real enemy was Evil or Chaos, though," Sir Valorus sighed sadly. "I heard about Akriloth. Krisha was so young compared to me. Probably a little over a thousand when she died."

"Wait...so...YOU MEAN MY MOM WAS ABOUT A THOUSAND YEARS OLD?!"

"Your mother and your aunt, yes."

"Wow! Incredible! That's really a once-in-a-lifetime thing, isn't it? You don't meet a living millennium-er or something every day!"

* * *

_Several years later..._

The Huntress sat down. "Next to me, Yulgar is a child. I'm over a thousand years old."

* * *

"Your speaking is impressive. Most beginners would accidentally tell a fire dragon that he "looks hot" without adding the appropriate tense. You can imagine the scorching they get."

"I know a little Draconic," Kiyan paused. "It's sitting over there."

"...That REALLY does not work in that situation."

"I know; I'm sorry."

"I wish you luck on your adventures. If things go like last time...you will need it!"

"Last time?"

The Guardian didn't reply. He vanished; leaving Kiyan to her thoughts.

* * *

"Gorgok has been weakened. We need to defeat him now!" Fortuna limped in front of her ragtag "troop".

"You stay here," Kiyan insisted. "He could stomp you flat in a few seconds."

"Is there a princess in Willowshire, by any chance?" Ash asked Robina hopefully.

"Uhm...why are you asking me? It...it's not like I'd know anything about princesses. I'm a..a ranger!" Robina ranted. "Why on Lore would I-"

"Just answer."

"Willowshire doesn't _have_ a princess, but-."

"...Kaythanxbai."

"Wait, Ash!" Kiyan grabbed his arm. "Uh...slaying a mighty Earth dragon would look amazing on your knighthood resume."

"Really? I wasn't even aware that existed."

"Er...of course it does," Kiyan lied.

Ash sighed painfully. "See? I don't know anything about being a knight! Now I _really_ need to save a princess!" Kiyan groaned inwardly.

Robina ignored Ash. "Chuck and Bruce will help us attack. Fortuna, Steve and Twilly will back us up with spells."

"Sounds like a plan," Kiyan agreed.

"It is," Robina deadpanned.

"That's not witty."

"Whatever."

"Do you want to fight me or not?" Gorgok snapped. He shoved his face close to the defenders', trying to intimidate them.

_THWACK!_ Kiyan ran the Shipwreck down his cheek.

"THAT'S CHEATING!" Gorgok bellowed as he stumbled back.

"Dude, if you could do that, why didn't you just _blind_ him?!" Chuck wailed.

"I did that last time! I like variety in my killing of giant, angry creatures!"

"Less talk! More fight!" Robina backed away and fired at Gorgok. Kiyan and Ash ran down the hill while the male Guardians led Fortuna away.

"Do you really think we can defeat him?" Kiyan shouted at her companion. They dodged Gorgok's claws.

"Maybe! He's not that powerful; he's just the strongest Earth dragon." Robina's arrows whizzed over their heads and stuck onto the dragon's side. Bruce leaped onto his back and tried to jam his sword into it. Gorgok shook him off and flattened several houses in retaliation.

"At least no one's in there." Kiyan shrugged. Gorgok swiped at the heroes with his claws. "Duck!"

"Where?" Ash looked around. He was whacked lightly on the back of the head. **(A/N: That was cliché. ;p)**

"Ash got knocked out!" Robina yelled. Chuck dragged him away as Bruce hammered at Gorgok's tail. Kiyan landed a blow on his leg, causing Gorgok to swat at her.

"Leave me alone!" He screeched.

"Not until you stop terrorizing this town!"

"Fat chance." The dragon slammed the Guardian Tower with its tail. The top floor broke off and crashed to the ground. Fortuna let out a yelp.

The dragon smirked and whirled around, causing Robina to stumble off the hill. Steve cast a water spell at Gorgok and tossed a potion bottle at her. Meanwhile, Kiyan and Bruce slashed at Gorgok's wings. Robina ran up to them.

"Take this!" Kiyan unsheathed her other dagger and tossed it to Robina. The ranger caught it and slammed it into Gorgok's foot. He reeled back and howled in pain.

"You win," He snarled. "But I'll return. And your stupid other Towers are in danger, too."

"Wait...why?"

The dragon scoffed. "You don't even know about the Orbs you posses? Pitiful." With that, he flapped his wounded wings and flew away.

Kiyan stared after him. "What Orbs? Why are they so important?"


	4. Thank Gosh It's Thursday

Twilly had told her to come back in two weeks or so. He needed some time to track the location of the Box. Right now, Kiyan was trekking to Amityvale. The trees seemed darker and more twisted the further she went north. Her mind somehow drifted to the day's earlier events...

* * *

"Hi Sabrin-Ah!" A long-haired, blond woman stood behind the reception desk. She shot Kiyan a puzzled look.

"Uh...what happened to Sabrina?" Raicom asked.

"Sabrina? That must be the old innkeeper. My name's Serenity."

"What happened to the Doom Weapons?"

Serenity shrugged. "Tossed 'em out. They were scaring me. I think they're the cause of some supposed hauntings upstairs. People have been seeing ghosts and such."

So Kiyan had weeded out some of the spirits and wisps. She finally stumbled upon a tall, brown-haired girl.

"Woah. I've talked to two ghosts in three days. What's your name?"

"Mary Grey. I'm the owner of this inn," She answered in a soft, gentle voice.

"Owner? I think you're a bit confused. Serenity's the owner now. And I...uh...can see through you..."

"Oh, right. I died," Mary laughed.

"Looks like it. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. I have a lot of company," The ghost paused to inspect the walls. "All of my...ahem, _visitors_ seem to be after one thing. There appears to be a great darkness in the land. I'm not too sure what, but they keep saying "DOOM"."

"The Weapons," Kiyan muttered.

* * *

Shaking her head clear of the memory, the rogue tentatively pushed open a creaky gate and stepped into Amityvale. Or, at least, what was left of it. It was only made of a few ramshackle houses, a relatively large town hall in the center and a fountain squirting out a suspiciously red liquid. A short, blue Moglin swam in it.

"ZORBAK!"

"Hello, Hero."

Kiyan smacked him with the hilt of her dagger. "That's what you get for setting me up!"

"Couldn't you just grin and _bear_ it? Mehehehehehe!"

"...That's worse than even _my_ puns!"

"Whatever," He shrugged. With one final glare at the necromancer, Kiyan opened the door to the town hall.

About ten people sat on wobbly chairs. A petite lady wearing a red dress was rattling off some announcements.

"...And that concludes the weather report. It's nice. All right," She sighed woefully. "Time to address all of our problems. Who would like to go first?"

"Me!" A man stood up. "With all due respect, Mayor Wednesday, this town is going to the madhouse. This week alone we lost Freddy, Jason, Michael...and they just got Chucky!" A few of the female attendees groaned.

"Poor Chucky...he was such a doll..."

"The worst part is that no one's doing anything about it," Another woman added. "Well, except for that crazy Paladin in the graveyard."

"Ohmygosh. Is he _still_ there?" Wednesday gasped.

"Yup. Just passed the graveyard a few hours ago. Zombie heads were flying everywhere."

"I heard that he's cursed and will die if he doesn't free enough undead everyday!" Someone called out.

"No way. He just does it for fun," Someone else shouted. "Did you hear those puns he made while fighting?"

_Must be a cool guy_, Kiyan thought.

"All right! Settle down. The reason we're holding this meeting is that a bunch of adventurers from Falconreach have come to town."

A collective murmur of surprise filled the room.

"Adventurers who have been attacked by monsters of this area and have come to find the source," Wednesday continued.

"Adventurers like the one standing behind me that probably does not think we've noticed her standing here this whole meeting?" All of the citizens turned around and stared at Kiyan.

"Uh...hi."

"Um...yes. Welcome, stranger," Wednesday stammered. "What is your name?"

"Ki-"

"Mayor!" The man who noticed her stormed up to the podium. "We have a deal with those necromancers. They leave us alone if we keep our noses outta their business and meet our curfews. These adventurers and that Paladin are gonna get us in a heap of trouble!"

"No!" Wednesday snapped. "They aren't! I hear that they defeated an army of undead at Falconreach!"

Another murmur of surprise filled the room. Kiyan vaguely recalled Raicom telling her about that event...

* * *

_A month earlier..._

"They're...wearing...hockey masks?" Raicom, Twilly and Ash stared at the invaders bemusedly.

"FEAR ME!" Zorbak screamed. "My hockey team is pure EBIL!"

"So these are yours?"

"Meh, no! I was just wandering around when these guys plodded through! Convenient, eh?"

"Then...where did these come from?"

"Doomwood!" Zorbak paused. "You should go there. The weather's real nice."

* * *

"Do you really think you can defeat a necromancer?" Wednesday's voice jolted her back to the present. Kiyan nodded. "Well, then...we have no other choice. We trust you with our lives."

She exited the town hall and strolled around Amityvale. A man poked his head out of a window and waved at her. "My name's Lugosi. I haven't had a new customer in a long while. Would you like to come in?"

"Sure." Kiyan opened the door and stepped inside. The layout was similar to Yulgar's store, save for the general feeling of fear and horror. Other than that, it was a nice shop. "I don't have that much gold, though."

"Oh, no. That's okay," The man rested his elbows on the counter. "I just need someone to talk to."

"Okay."

"My name is Lugosi. I moved to Amityvale about five years ago and settle down to open my weapon store," He paused. "Well, not _settle down_ in a traditional sense. The road was clogged with zombies so I was forced to stop here. But I guess it's a good thing. People here need weapons so much, I get a ton of business! Everything worked out just fine!" Lugosi flashed her a disturbingly cheerful grin.

"I guess that's one way of looking at it. To me, it looks like you're stuck here and you need to fight for your life every day..."

"I SAID EVERYTHING WORKED OUT FINE!" Lugosi cleared his throat. "And the weather is nice."

* * *

Kiyan entered the Inn. It looked surprisingly warm and cozy. A short girl wearing a Moglin hat waved at her.

"Hi! You seem new around here. I'm Rosemary, the keeper of the Smashing Pumpkin, Amityvale's best (and only) inn!"

After she had refilled Kiyan's potions (with some Pumpkin spice-_ssssh!_), Rosemary sat down to chat.

"Let me tell you a bit about Doomwood. I've conveniently written a song for this occasion."

_We're overrun with skeletons, poltergeists and yagas_

_Zombies clog our road day and night and_

_There are golems, fiends, hags a_

_Sprinkling of ghouls and gargoyles across the land_

_Thank goodness that stupid Paladin is in the graveyard_

_If you think he's lonely, then oh please_

_Even though he works hard_

_He's paired up with almost all the female OC's!_

_Mummies, shadow creatures, abominations_

_And there are also liches,_

_Lagoon monsters, basically all of undead creation_

_And watch out for the lawyers, 'cause they are sons of-_

Rosemary stopped singing. "Wait...you're young."

"So there are no witches?"

"The politically correct term is Yaga."

"What about vampires?"

"They've given up being politically correct. If they were, they would be mobbed by a army of twelve to eighteen year old girls."

* * *

"Are you one of those adventurers?" A girl with jet black hair walked towards Kiyan.

"Yeah. Why?"

"My name's Thursday. I've lived in Amityvale my whole life. I grew up in an old haunted house along the path. Artix told me that there are some towns where it's only night half of the time and only some houses are infested with spirits from another realm.

"I think he's joking. Anyway, the moon is always full and the werewolf howls are pretty, so why would I ever want to leave?"

"Uh...yeah," Kiyan smiled weakly.

"Sorry, I ramble. I haven't met anyone new in a long while. Hey, since you're an adventurer, I was just wondering...could you go to my old house and find my pendant? It's in the locked basement; you need to defeat the Greenhouse Monster and Bedroom Monster to get the keys."

"Why not? Maybe I'll stop by the graveyard and find that crazy Paladin, too."

* * *

"Hail and well met! I am Artix, head of the order of the Paladins." A tall, brown-haired man stood beside Kiyan. He was holding a long sword and wearing thick armor.

"I'm Kiyan."

"It's an honor to fight beside you!"

Kiyan and Artix were surrounded by zombies. The undead advanced slowly, moaning as they did.

"Thanks. So, what exactly are you up to here?"

"Exorcising the undead to free their souls. It's also a great exercise."

"Need a hand?"

A zombie chucked a hand at them. They laughed nervously.

"I have a list of stuff you shouldn't say around the undead. Wanna see?"

_That is just jaw dropping!_

_Something evil is a foot!_

_Keep a stiff upper lip!_

_Use a little elbow grease!_

…_and that is how you get a head._

_That guy is a spineless coward!_

"Do you have more to add?"

"Oh, yeah!"

_Kiyan's List of Things that should Always be Said around the Undead because it's Just so Freaking Hilarious to See Them Mad_

_Eye see what you mean!_

_Hair today, gone tomorrow_

_I can't put my finger on it!_

_Heel the world_

_Who nose?_

_If you try to kill me, you must be a terror-wrist!_

_These are really corny humerus remarks_

"That's...just...great!" Artix forced a smile. The zombies groaned.

"I know, right?"

"So, you do this for fun?"

"Oh, yes. Say, if you're battling against the creatures of Darkness, I would be more than happy to help you."

"Cool! If you can keep up, that is!" Kiyan joked.

"Oh, I think I can." Artix winked at her. He darted off, trampeling zombies along the way. "To the mansion!"

* * *

"This is Thursday's old house?"

The rogue and the Paladin stood in front of a big, dark mansion. Wind filtered through its broken windows, creating an ominous howling sound. Its roof was crumbling, while the chimney had already deteriorated, only a rectangular mess remaining. The scarred trees leaned away, as if telling them to leave while they still could.

"You bet! Sure is nice, huh?"

"Uh...I guess we'll go in, then." Kiyan turned the brass doorknob and tiptoed inside, looking around nervously.

"COME OUT AND TASTE MY AURA OF HOLY JUSTICE AND POWER, EVIL CREATURES OF THE SHADOWS!" Artix screeched as he burst into the house. Kiyan let out a piercing shriek and tumbled over.

"Do. Not. Do. That. Ever. AGAIN!"

"To the greenhouse! CHARGE!" Artix raced down the hall, swinging his blade as he did. He somehow managed to exorcise several red spirits. "FEAR THE LIGHT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS!"

Kiyan caught up to him, panting. "Now what?" The greenhouse was filled with dead, decaying plants. It was just as well, seeing how no light could ever reach them. She shuddered as she followed Artix.

"AH! More plant food, good. Come closer so I can eat you."

"Ack! Who's that?"

A giant, venus-flytrap-like plant emerged from some rotting bushes and snapped at Artix.

"Tempting, but no thanks. We need the key to the basement." Kiyan dodged one of his vines.

"This is Awdreetoo," Artix whispered. "Toldja Thursday's a bit weird."

"I have a secret about the key. Come closer and I'll tell you." Awdreetoo hissed.

"No! You're really creepy, you know that?"

"GET IN MAH BELLY!"

Kiyan scored his stem while Artix attacked his roots. Eventually, the plant fell backwards, revealing the key. She tucked it into her backpack.

"To the bedroom! CHARGE!" Artix crashed out of the greenhouse and sprinted down the hall, swinging his sword again.

"Artix! You wiped everyone out the _first time_!"

The Paladin kicked the bedroom door open and started his speech again. "FEAR THE EXORBITANT MIGHT OF-"

"Dude, chill."

The bed thrashed violently. "Go away! Some of us are trying to sleep here!"

"You can take your nap. I just want the other basement key," Kiyan reasoned.

"Do you know what happens to people who wake sleeping monsters?" The voice growled.

"Uh...they walk out with a basement key and the monster gets to go back to sleep?"

"Don't make me come out there."

"Don't make me come under there!"

She heard a snort. "Why would you want to go into the closet, anyway? _He's.._.Ah well. If you want the key so bad, come and get it!"

"You live under a bed. How big could you possibly be?"

The monster crawled out and stood up. He was a large, zombified beast with green tufts of hair randomly sticking out. He let out a scream of rage before throwing Artix clear across the room.

"...You must not have been very comfy there."

* * *

"Time to go get Thursday's pendant!" Kiyan skipped down the stairs. Artix limped behind her.

She inserted the two keys into the locks and pushed the door open. At first, everything seemed peaceful. The pendant lay on the floor, its red gem beckoning them closer.

"Well, I guess we'll just take it and leave."

"Not so fast." The two heroes felt a chilling sensation. A purple ghost materialized and smiled at them evilly. "Ah, more souls for my collection."

"You've been gathering spirits of fallen adventurers? Thursday set me up!" Kiyan cried. The ghost shook his head.

"No, the girl does not know of this. She knows nothing of your importance to the master...she doesn't even know her _own_ importance."

"What are you talking about?" Kiyan demanded.

"FEEL THE STING OF THE GOOD AND-"

"CHILL!"

"It doesn't matter." The ghost shook his head. "Enough of this. Come, heroes! Join us!" He lunged at Kiyan. Artix brought his blade down on his head. Grunting, it crashed into him, snatched his sword, and threw it aside. Kiyan stabbed him with her dagger and ran the Shipwreck down his side. Artix, meanwhile, retrieved his sword and plunged it into the ghost.

"That was waaaaay too easy," Kiyan panted. "Maybe he was just a distraction or something."

"Yeah...it's pretty disturbing, though. What was he saying about "the master"?"

* * *

"You found my pendant!" Thursday squealed. "To thank you, I'm gonna give you a replica of it!" She handed an identical necklace to Kiyan. The rogue slid it over her Dragon Amulet.

"Anything else you need?" Artix asked.

"Hmm...Crystal Clear Lake is amazing. I spend a lot of time there. It's so beautiful. I even have a garden...but recently, I haven't been able to get to it. A lot of monsters are showing up, but the worst is that werewolf that never leaves. Do you think you could help me clear a path?"

"Sure thing." Kiyan and her new friend headed out again.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Chaney. I live here on the lake. It's actually a swamp...but we still call it a lake." A man wearing a blue wizard-like hat greeted Kiyan.

"Can you tell us about the werewolf?"

"That's my brother, Lon. Years ago, he fell under a dark spell and turned into a werewolf. I've been looking for a cure. If...if you see him, please battle him. It won't kill him, and the more injured he is, the less he'll be able to scare the townsfolk."

"Okay. Maybe we can talk some sense into him..."

* * *

The werewolf snarled at the heroes. Kiyan and Artix backed away.

"Easy..._easy..._good doggy now..."

"I WILL-"

"Artix, seriously, shut up." She touched Lon's arm gently. "Thursday sent us."

"Dark...hair?"

"Yes. You've met her?"

"Must...protect...dark hair..."

"I see...you were put here to keep her safe, weren't you?"

"Was...made to..." Lon sniffed the air. "You...not...dark hair. You...YOU ARE FOOD!"

* * *

"The werewolf won't be bothering your garden for a long time." Kiyan decided not to explain the entire "he-was-there-to-protect-you" thing. Artix had returned to the graveyard.

"Oh, good. I appreciate it. Um...I hate to impose, but could you do one last thing for me?"

"Of course."

"One of the Yaga Sisters that live up by the Stone Circle came by and walked right up to me. They had a sealed letter with your name on it. Would you like to read it?"

Kiyan grabbed the letter and tore the seal off.

_Greetings, Kiyan!_

_We are pleased to inform you that we are summoning a horrible beast to our world. Unless you stop it, he will destroy all of Lore!_

_Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime offer!_

The rogue sighed. "I need to take my name out of junk mail lists."

* * *

"I've been seeing this...this weird man in my dreams." Thursday frowned. "He just watches me. I feel some sort of kinship towards him, but I've never actually _seen_ him. I feel...like a storm is coming. But worse. I'm...scared..."

"Hello!" A Yaga waved at Kiyan. "My name is Osnero. We regret to inform you that our deal has expired. The Savage Outworlder has come!"

"I'm probably going to kill this thing. Don't you want to stop me?" She stared at them quizzically.

"Stop you? Why would we _stop_ you?" Osnero cackled. "We have you right where we want you..." She pointed ahead. "He's in our circle."

Another Yaga named Musurk waved at her. "This is a trap. Walk forward, and have a nice day!"

Glith and Feist surrounded Kiyan. "We have waited for you," They chattered.

"What do you have planned for Thursday?!"

"We will not harm her. She will be kept safe. The master demands it."

A furry, bear-like beast stood in the center. It cocked its head at the sight of Kiyan.

"Awww...it's so cute!"

"IT IS NOT CUTE. That is Guffer, the greatest terror you will ever know!" The Yagas dispersed.

"Are you the Savage Otherworlder?"

"What? Mah name's Guffer."

"Okay, Guffer...I'm Kiyan."

"Nice 'ta meet ya."

Kiyan stared at him blankly. "This is really weird. Monsters don't usually introduce themselves."

"Ya, I've noticed that. I dun see why." Guffer pushed past her. "Now, if ya 'scuse me, I have tah end ya world. See ya."

"See you aroun...HEY!" Kiyan blocked his way. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you destroy the world. It's where I keep my stuff."

"So much for da polite approach." Guffer raised a paw, ready to strike.

* * *

"KIYAN!" Thursday screamed. "We're being invaded!" A few undead monsters seeped into Amityvale. The terrified residents were crowding into the town hall. "This is all my fault," Thursday whispered. "If I hadn't asked you to look into all that-"

"Don't worry about it!" Kiyan yelled. "Just get everyone to safety! I'll find Artix."

* * *

"Artix? ARTIX!" Kiyan wandered around the outskirts of Amityvale, searching for the Paladin. "I have lots of undead for you to kill...unkill...something. ARTIX!"

A small, armored dog ran up to Kiyan and started barking at her.

"Yap yap yap yap!"

"What is it, boy?"

"Artix? What about him?"

"Yap yap yap yap yip!"

"He fell down the well?"

"Yap yap yip yip yap yip!"

"He's _**DEAD**_?!"

"Yip yap yip yap yap yap!"

"Oh...he's fighting _**UNDEAD**_. That makes more sense."

"Yip!"

Kiyan peered down the well. "Artix? You okay?"

"NoooooooooOooooo!"

"What's wrong!? What's happening?"

"There's a crazy Paladin down here and he's wiping us all out!"

"BE STILL, FIEND! PREPARE THYSELF FOR HOLY RETIBUTION EXORCISM AURA OF _JUSTICE_!"

"Yup, that's him, all right." Kiyan clambered in. "Hold on!"

* * *

"Well met! This big guy here looks like _the boss_!" A massive skeleton wielding a flaming axe stood in front of Kiyan and Artix. It growled angrily.

"Usually, during a rescue, the hostage is _not_ the one causing his captors to flee in terror," Kiyan explained slowly.

"Well, I'm different," Artix stated.

"Yes, you are."

"This spooky little girl told me to get her ring. She said I only had seven days, so it must've been important!"

Kiyan slapped her forehead. "We're going to make a list of people-and _things_-not to accept quests from, all right?

* * *

The fog was overwhelming. The rogue squinted carefully as she snuck through it. Artix had helped her follow the invading forces to an old Guardian Tower, which was now a vampire castle.

Suddenly, a hooded figure popped up in front of her.

"You'll need my help getting to the tower." It was a familiar, feminine voice, but Kiyan couldn't quite place it. "If you want to save Amityvale and your little friend Thursday...then you will help me." She opened her mouth to protest. "You can't get through the fog. I can make it vanish."

"Fine," Kiyan snapped. "What do you want?"

"A few werewolves have been trapped. They are miserable, wretched creatures. Destroy one of them and I will fulfill my end of our bargain."

A few minutes later, Kiyan returned, holding a werewolf pelt.

"Very good. I am a necromantress of my word."

"Necromantress _isn't_ a word."

"You may pass through the fog. Goodbye, Kiyan." The necromantress vanished.

"...How did she know my name?"

* * *

"Welcome." A grand-looking, elderly vampire stretched his arms wide. "It's been a long road, hasn't it? You must have many questions. I will answer them."

"Who are you?" Kiyan gripped the Shipwreck tighter.

"I am Lord Frydae XIII. I have lived in Doomwood even before Amityvale existed. All of its residents are my servants; even the mangy werewolves."

"What about Thursday?"

"She is my granddaughter," He paused. "Technically, my great great great great great great great great granddaughter." He started to pace the room. "See, I was once human, like you. But now I have become the extraordinarily powerful being I am today. I have protected my bloodline for hundreds of years.

"Thursday will be a vampire like me. Together, we will find people worthy of sharing our honor!"

"But why _now_? She's lived here her whole life."

"Studies show that teenaged vampires are very popular with the twelve to eighteen crowd." Frydae flicked some lint off of his suit.

"And Chaney and Lon?"

"Chaney is too sharp. He nearly found me out. I turned Lon into Thursday's bodyguard. This way, Chaney is distracted from me."

Kiyan scanned the room. "This used to be a Guardian Tower, right?"

"Oh, yes. They were always a thorn on my side. Luckily, one day, a mysterious force attacked. They were only concerned with whatever was in the basement."

"And the necromantress?"

Frydae snorted in disgust. "I was so certain she was my faithful servant...but she serves another." He stared at Kiyan. "Would you like to join me? You could replace her."

"Never!"

"Then we must fight!" Frydae shoved her away and kicked the Shipwreck to a corner. Kiyan unsheathed her other dagger and slashed his leg. He tackled her and tried to bite her neck, only to have another dagger sear his face.

Frydae cuffed her arm, causing her to stumble back. She thrust one dagger at his body wildly. He became so distracted with blocking her that she saw and opening and stabbed his abdomen. He reeled back in pain. Kiyan grabbed the Shipwreck and smashed him on the head with it several times.

"Fine." He scowled. "You win, for now." He swished his cape and disappeared.

"Thank you for saving me!" Thursday exclaimed happily. "I had another dream. I don't know how you did it, but you stood up to that scary guy! Thank you!"

"No problem!"

"I WILL FREE YOUR TORMENTED SPIRIT AND-"

"Artix, SHUT UP!"

_Not very far away..._

"Again." Drakath clenched his fists. "She's a hero _again_."

"Relax." A wry voice startled him. Drakath whirled around to confront him.

"Xan, what are you doing here?" A man with a flaming skull for a head emerged from the shadows.

"Planning. Warlic's past his time," His eyes narrowed in fury. "What about you? Why are you standing around here?"

"_Kiyan_." He pointed at her. "My new nemesis. She's gaining new allies already. This will certainly upstage my rise of power. I HATE HER!"

"Calm down. Sepulchure treating you well?"

"Well enough."

"Drakath...are you familiar with the concept of...revenge?"

"I suppose so."

Xan leaned in. "We seem to have a common enemy. That Kiyan girl will be best friends with Warlic one day."

Drakath's eyes widened. "How do you know that?" Xan smiled wickedly.

"I have a proposition for you..."


	5. Slay Ride

**FYI, Drakath and Xan's visit to Vandar is based on the official AQ story "Confrontation". (Battleon forums, Legends and Lore, Creative Writing, Narrative and Prose, page four, chapter two. WOW THAT TOOK A FLIPPIN' LONG TIME! 0.0) Reading it would make this clearer, but...yeah. Writing D and X's dialogue was really fun. XD **

"Why's it so flippin' cold?"

Kiyan was greeted by a blast of icy air as she stepped out of the Inn. Snow blanketed the ground around them. Raicom and Aria joined her. Twilly bounded up to them and hugged Aria's leg.

"Yeah. Winter's not supposed to start for another two weeks," Raicom agreed.

Six months had passed. Twilly had arranged for Kiyan to meet with the leader of some group for help with regaining the Box. Now, though, it was near impossible to travel anywhere. The snow got deeper the further the friends walked.

"Twilly," Kiyan griped. "I'm gonna be late. That person you were telling me about is probably super mad now."

"She's snowed in too."

"_She_? How many strong-willed female characters can you fit into a story?"

"Relax. Some people say she's an "underaged slut"." Twilly cocked his head. "Twillies isn't sure what that means."

Thankfully, Ash ran up to them before Kiyan could reply. "We're being invaded! There are a bunch of monsters attacking!"

"Mmkay." Kiyan plopped onto the ground. Aria and Twilly followed suit.

"...What are you doing?"

"Waiting." The rogue buffed her nails. "I figure there's no point going out and meeting them head-on. They'll get to town somehow."

Grams exited the pet store, carrying a big cage. A fiery fireball with legs, hands and eyes stared out of its confinements, squeaking with curiosity.

"This is Cinder," Grams explained, resting the cage on the snowy ground. "He'll help us fight back those nasty ol' monsters. He's yours now, Kiyan."

"Cool!" She stooped down to shake its paw. "I'm your-Aiiieee!" The rogue clutched her burned hand. "You should put one of those "Caution-May be Hot" labels on him!"

* * *

Hundreds of the invaders had been defeated. Kiyan decided to rest in the Inn for a while. Yulgar and Konnan were going to help hold off the monsters for the time being.

A yellow, baby Moglin was crawling towards a discolored patch. "NO, TWIG!" Kiyan restrained him. "Do _not_ eat the yellow snow!"

"It looks like lemon ice cream!" Twig started to drool. "LEMONS MAKE JUICE! JUICE HAS WATER! FISH LIVE IN WATER!"

"Woah. You can find a connection to your favorite food with anything, can't you?"

"ANYTHING! Fish and ice cweam is anything!"

"Cool! Bookcase!"

"Due to the fiber structwure of the common fish, they are distinctly rewated. Ice cream is-"

"Cowbell!"

"Ice cream is a dairy prowduct and is hence deviated from a cow's milk, while a fish has-"

"A DOUGHNUT-SHAPED MAN RIDING A ILAMA INTO THE SUNSET!"

"...Fish and ice cweam!"

"That's enough!" Yulgar separated Kiyan and Twig. He sighed. "Twig, I sincerely pray to Lorithia that your obsession doesn't get worse. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why on Lore she lets you live."

"Twig is basically invincible!" He grinned.

"Yeah, right."

* * *

The blizzard was relentless. Kiyan plodded through the snow, patrolling Falconreach's outskirts. Twilly and Cinder scampered up to her.

"We did it!" Twilly cheered. "We won!"

"Not yet. We haven't defeated the Dragonlord behind this."

"Give me the Orb, insignificant fools, and I'll make your deaths swift." A tall figure wearing a dense, scaly armor swooped in on a metallic-colored dragon. His face was concealed by a horned helmet. Kiyan could only see the slightly intimidating gleam of his eyes. He raised his scythe above his head in a threatening manner.

"That was freakishly convenient."

"I'm wasting my precious time on you. Give me the Orb now!"

"So he's a Dragonlord?" Twilly whispered. He hid behind Kiyan, quivering from fear.

Suddenly, a blue Moglin materialized beside the villain.

"ZORBAK!"

"Don't wear it out," He snapped at Kiyan before turning towards the man. "How...meh, good it is to see you again, Dragonmaster Frostscythe!"

"Wait..._Dragonmaster_?" Twilly gawped. "Oh, phew! He's not a fully fledged Dragonlord yet. His dragon will be easy to defeat."

"_Glaisaurus _is _very_ strong," Frostscythe growled. He took out a Dragon Amulet.

"Woah! Where did _that_ come from?" Kiyan exclaimed.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I mean, seriously, do you have pockets or something?"

"Enough! Give me the Orb!"

"Mehehehehe. This is gonna be good. I'll see you later!" Zorbak disappeared.

"You will surrender to me," The Dragonmaster snarled. "I will destroy you and feed your remains to my mighty dragon!"

"You talk big for a weak guy. Are you Drakath's dad or something?"

* * *

_Inside Kiyan's demented mind..._

"You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi Whine was."

Drakath rolled sideways and thrust his sword at the Dragonmaster viciously. He backed down the narrow gantry. Frostscythe scratched the man's face lightly.

"My beautiful cheek!" Drakath screamed dramatically. He crawled to the far side of the platform, sobbing. Frostscythe followed him.

"Obi Whine never told you never told you what happened to your father."

"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!" Drakath shrilled.

"No, _I_ am your father." Frostscythe paused. "_Peasant_."

"Nooooo!"

* * *

"Who?" Frostscythe's voice sliced through her daydream. Glaisaurus snorted impatiently.

"Nothing." Kiyan held up the Shipwreck. "Let's go!"

"What...just like that? No backup?" She could've sworn Frostscythe was frowning.

"Yeah. I've already helped kill an Earth dragon. This should be super easy, since...you know." She coughed. "Weakling."

"What? You think you're better than me?"

"I _know_ I am!"

"Raaaaaaah!" Frostscythe lunged at Kiyan. Cinder tripped him over and managed to set fire to Glaisaurus's tail. The ice dragon let out a shriek and started to rampage aimlessly.

"SCREE! Loipaice alis scree hiyis suiecee teeluo ri gryuuio?"

"You! Why the frak did you set my tail on fire?" Kiyan translated to Twilly as they evaded Frostscythe and his enraged pet's rampaging.

"Su ruyi reitei scree!"

"I am going to kill you."

"SU RUYI REITEI JYULIII HISEIRI SCREEUICEE ERYUIE!"

"I am going to...never mind."

Glaisaurus tripped over one of his massive feet and stumbled onto the ground. Frostscythe prodded him with his...well, scythe.

"Up and at 'em!"

Glaisaurus glared at him before blasting the Dragonmaster with his icy breath.

"...Ow."

"Quick! While he's frozen!" Kiyan yelled. Cinder nodded briefly and repeatedly seared Frostscythe across the face.

Kiyan hoisted Twilly onto her shoulder and tried to climb onto Glaisaurus's leg. He shook them off and tried to stomp on them. The rogue managed to roll away, just as Cinder darted under his raised foot and razed it.

Glaisaurus collapsed, causing Frostscythe let out a shriek of rage and slam his scythe down on Twilly.

"IT BURNS!"

Kiyan bit her lip in an effort to not add insult to the Moglin's injury. Her dagger snagged onto the Dragonmaster's Amulet and flung it onto the ground. She stomped on it, smashing the pendant into thousands of pieces. Only its gold chain remained.

"You broke my Amulet!" Frostscythe wailed. "Without it, Glaisaurus is useless to me!"

"Not much of a diff-er-ence!" She sang. Cinder slapped her with a flaming paw. "Aiiiieee!"

"Why did you attack Falconreach?" Twilly interrogated him.

"You don't..." The Dragonmaster sneezed. "Even know what you are defending? HAHAHAHAHA! (achoo) I didn't realize who you are...(cough), trust me...(achoo), I'll be much harder next time!" He tried to swipe at his runny nose as he clambered onto Glaisaurus's back. "You may have slowed me down (cough), but mark my (sniff) words, I _will_ be the next (achoo) Dragonlord!"

"Aw. Did the big bad boss just catch a coldy-woldy?" Kiyan and Twilly snickered.

"Shut up." With that, the dragon flew off.

"Hehehehe..." The friends giggled.

"AAAACHOOO!"

* * *

_Somewhere very, very far away..._

"I never asked for you to come with me."

"Shut up," Xan snapped. "I told your old man I'd pay back three favors. He never said anything about forcing you to take one. Feldar won't let you talk, anyway."

Drakath and Xan stood in front of a looming tower. They were in the mysterious city of K'eld Alorin, in the country of Vandar; a nation of military democracy. Feldar, Vandar's leader, was troublesome and distinctly unfulfilled. Neither would have wanted anything to do with him in the first place, but it was the only way...

"And _why_ are you so anxious to do this?"

"It's simple. Hurt the boy, hurt Kiyan, hurt Warlic."

It didn't make sense at all. But the former prince bit his tongue and continued walking. At the very least, he could have some vengeance against Kiyan. If Xan was annoyingly delusional, so be it. A small price to pay for retribution.

"They're keeping them very well hidden," The fire mage observed. "I thought K'elds were supposed to be swarming with those little buggers." Drakath was confused, but not wanting to appear incompetent, he didn't ask any questions.

The halls were too large. For a country supposedly built on fairness and unity, there was an alarming amount of paintings glorifying Feldar and his ancestors. Xan pulled his hood over his face and, after much protesting, managed to get Drakath to do the same. The guards' parted, allowing them through. Their suspicious stares followed them as they made their way to the "anti-throne" room.

Drakath rolled his eyes. "A throne room? He's a hypocrite!"

"Takes one to know one, prince-ess." Ignoring his companion's glare, Xan pushed the doors open and strolled inside.

A short, stout man sat in a velvet chair. An advisor of some sorts stood by him, muttering. A few well-dressed humans surrounded the man, whom Drakath could only assume was Feldar. Xan strode towards him purposefully, while Drakath followed meekly, disturbed by the courtiers' staring. One of them pointed at them and whispered something to a guard. It rose into a loud chatter and was carried about the room until it reached Feldar, where it stopped abruptly. Xan, undeterred by this, bowed to the ruler.

Just as he opened his mouth to speak, Drakath shoved him away and looked up at Feldar, his head held in a regal, arrogant pose.

"Who are you, and what do you want?" Feldar stared at the former prince coldly.

"My name is Drakath Slugwrath-"

"SLUGWRATH!" Feldar stood up and knocked him away. The guards seized the intruder and started to drag him off. "You are the scum of Lore, the son of a dirty tyrant. How dare you come into my presence and contaminate these walls with your crude ideas?"

"You don't understand!" Xan interjected. He winked at Drakath amusedly. The prince scowled. "Drakath has come here to tell you something important."

"He is of noble blood and therefore has no right to speak."

"Then may I speak for him?" Feldar looked Xan up and down. "I, too, am a victim of ignorant blindness and unfair accusations, wrought upon me by the idolization of a servant of the Elemental "Lords"."

"Since when did you talk like that?" Drakath hissed. The guards threw him aside.

"Let him," The advisor whispered.

"Fine, Xilar. Very well."

"I come here on the behalf of democracy and justice." The fire mage paced back and forth. "Have you heard of King Alteon?"

Feldar spat in disgust. "That lowly excuse for a form of life. He paints a fantastical illusion of himself to gain popularity. He's a treacherous liar! They all are!"

"Yes, yes!" Xan's eyes lit up. "And you know of Kiyan?"

"The Falconreach girl? Yes, I have. Has she not acted in favor of the common man?"

"She's in cahoots with the King. Sure, she saves the people _sometimes_," Xan drawled. "But tomorrow, he will invite her to Swordhaven. In a few weeks, he will make her the 351st knight of the Order. Manipulate her. Induct her into their cruel conspiracy."

"Pathetic."

"Our mast-_friend_, Sepulchere, has looked into the future. It was a brief glimpse, but do you know what we saw? Terror. Death. Destruction. Obviously brought upon by the corruption and fault of monarchies and the like."

"Yes...those wicked monsters..."

"And do you know who was behind it all? The Hero. She will stop revolutions, aid the powerful, and protect those selfish, greedy _things _that you have come to hate."

Feldar shot up. "SHE WILL PAY! We must kill her!"

"We cannot. It would lead to a massive paradox." A sly grin spread on Xan's face. "However, we _did_ see something of _great_ value...someone the girl will one day love dearly...and we have a chance to hurt her using it."

Feldar appeared thoughtful. "There are fates worse than death."

"Exactly! Now, you are familiar with the nation of Neld, yes?"

Feldar spat again. "Horrible. They are ruled by oppressive DICTATORS!" He slammed his knuckles into a wall. "IF I HAD THE RIGHT MIND, I WOULD HAVE DESTROYED THOSE ARROGANT FOOLS YEARS AGO!"

"So invade them. Usurp the royal family and free the citizens. You will emotionally crush the Hero in the process. I should warn you, it will not be immediate, but in the long run, the effects will be devastating."

"...Revenge...But what of tampering with fate?"

"A self-fulfilling prophecy, really," Xan pointed out. "You wouldn't meddling at all. And you would be the...._ahem_, savior of the people."

"Yes, Feldar," Xilar hissed. "Do it!"

"...Yes. Yes, I will do it." Feldar motioned to one of his generals. "Prepare the battle ships. We're going to war."

"By the way," Xan added. "Don't forget Sentar."

Drakath glowered at Xan as they left the tower. "This will basically lead to the destruction of Vandar, you know."

Xan smirked. "Eh. Two for one."

* * *

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news-"

"Isn't that your _job_?"

"...Shut up." Ash cleared his throat. "But Frostvale has been invaded."

"Frostvale? Where's that?" Kiyan asked cluelessly.

"The snowy village of Moglins. It's northwest from here."

"Oh, sorry about that," Kiyan apologized. "I'm not very well learned in Lore's geography."

"Anyway, we should ride there and see what happened. They need our help."

* * *

"Thank goodness you're here!" Maya gushed. A blue Moglin was perched on her left shoulder. "Icemaster Yeti kidnapped every Moglin in town, except Blizzy!"

Kiyan, Raicom, Ash, Twilly and Artix were standing in Frostvale's town square. A pile of burnt logs stood behind Maya, a small stream of smoke rising from it defeatedly. A few empty huts were scattered around, their woolly roofs flapping despondently.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Kiyan stared at Blizzy. The Moglin started to shake violently.

"He arrived with an army of snow monsters and took all my friends. (and Ed)" He whimpered. "He even got my son! I ran all the way to Oaklore."

"King Alteon personally sent out letters asking for help. He assigned me to be the official Loremaster," Maya explained. Blizzy hopped off her shoulder and hugged Kiyan's leg.

"Please! Fight through the monsters and save Chilly!" He begged.

* * *

"Poor thing. He was starting to cry ice cubes..." Kiyan was interrupted by Raicom's glare. "What? It's freezing out here!"

"Whatever. I'm going to head out with the Guardians, and Artix injured his leg pretty bad. Ash is too inexperienced," The warrior sighed. He dragged out his next sentence. "I guess-that means-you're-in-" He winced. "...Charge."

"YES!" Kiyan did a happy dance. He punched the back of her head before she could continue. "Ow!"

"Please don't completely annihilate our forces."

"Can I call myself something cool? Like, "Grand Admiral of Supreme Might and Power"?"

"How's about just "general" for now?"

"Awesome!" Kiyan ran towards the other heroes, hollering out the news. "I'M IN CHARGE I'M IN CHARGE I'M IN CHARGE!"

Raicom slapped his forehead with his hand. "Creator help us."

* * *

"Kiyan!" Artix ran up to her. "Neld is under attack!"

Kiyan cringed as she faced the Paladin. She had never heard of Neld before. Admitting it would be extremely embarrassing. And things were going so well...as general, though, it was her responsibility to do the right thing.

She was going to pretend she knew all about it. "From who?"

"The Vandarians."

_See above answer_. "Oh."

"Should we fly there and save them?"

Kiyan fell silent.

"It's your call, General."

"...No. We can't. The Moglins need our help too; if we spread ourselves out too much, we'd be defeated at both battles," The rogue said slowly. "We'll try to finish as soon as possible. When we're done, we'll all go to Neld and repel those Van-dan-somethings."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Well, that's a risky move." Artix walked off. "Not what I would've chosen, myself. But it's your decision, General. I trust that it's for the best."

Ash threw a snowy Tog away. "I think that's the last for this wave." Frost mummies, ice elementals and frost mushrooms surrounded them, moaning.

A massive cave lay ahead. Ash took one tentative step forward before slipping on the icy floor. Kiyan stepped over him and crept inside. A few frost mushrooms were scattered around a healing pad, while Polar Dravirs stood watch by a hollowed out doorway.

Cinder rushed in and scorched the mushrooms. Kiyan grappled with the Dravirs as Ash scouted the area.

"Wow...this is humongous. Looks like we need to go through all of these monsters, Kiyan."

"GENERAL!"

"General what?"

"Kiyan!"

"Generally you?"

"No, General Kiyan!"

"You mean basically you!"

"ARGH!" The rogue stormed through the doorway and edged across the snowy platforms. Cinder followed her. Batting away a Tog, she confronted a Slushroom. He glared at her and adjusted his cap, obscuring her view of the chest behind him.

"Fwaaaaat? Finfruders!"

"Yes, hello. I come in peace, except I wish to kill you."

"Fou far foo fate! Fhe Frost FOglns far falready feing fold fo Fepulchure! Fafafafafafafafa!"

"Oh no!" Kiyan paused. "Uh...before I beat you up, could you tell me Icemaster Yet's dastardly plan?"

"Fe fis foing fo fell fe foglns fo fepulchere fo fe fill fet faid."

"Uh huh. Hey, what's your name?"

"Flushroom."

"Hehehehehe..."

"FLING FIT FON!"

"What?"

"Fi faid FLING FIT FON!"

"Whatever. Bring it on!"

"FAT'S FAT FI FAID!"

Cinder whizzed past Kiyan and slammed into the Slushroom's face. Eventually, after some struggling, it fell off the platform and plummeted into the snowy depths.

"FOW!"

Kiyan bent down and opened the chest, pulling out a short, gray helmet. Intricate designs laced its sides and the nosepiece. Kiyan stared at it for a few seconds, mesmerized. After securing it in her backpack, she stood up and glanced around. "C'mon, Ash!" She called. No reply. "Ash?"

She backtracked to the entrance. The page was sprawled out on the floor, gasping for air. He clutched his left arm.

"It...they..." Ash started to cry. "I CAN'T GO ON ANY LONGER!"

"So you sprained your arm. You could just stay by the healing pad. _Chill_," Kiyan chuckled. Ash glared at her. "What? At least I'm not wailing my lungs out because an ice-based mummy twisted one of my limbs into an uncomfortable position."

"That was a _stupid_ sentence."

"I'm complementing your stupid _life_!" She did her happy dance again. "Buuuuuuurn. Or, in this situation-"

"Just save the Moglins."

* * *

Voices. Kiyan could hear a gruff voice and a calm voice. She crouched behind a snowy rock and peered out.

The Yeti was a hulking mass of scraggly white fur. His underbite seemed to stick out indignantly as he argued with the other voice. He was flanked by two ice sculptures; the Moglins were trapped in a net behind them. Squinting, she managed to see a hologram of a man wearing a sinister-looking red armor.

"...We've done tests. The Moglins' healing magic does not work on the undead. They are useless...there will be no payment. Anyway, there has been an increasing influx of potential minions. Your services are no longer needed."

"But I did your job!" The Icemaster protested.

"They are worthless. You look like you could use a snack, though." The hologram faded with a smirk.

"Double crosser! But he _does_ have a point...I _am_ hungry."

Kiyan emerged from her hiding place. "_Ice_ to meet you! Ooooh!" Kiyan poked the one of the sculptures. "This is _cool_! But you shouldn't let it get to your head; after all, fame is _sleeting_." She started to sing in her horribly off-key, nasal voice. "I like to ride my _icicle_, I like to ride my-"

"...Are you done?" Icemaster Yeti stared at her, immensely unimpressed.

"Not really. I have, like, fifteen other possible winter-related puns."

"Whatever."

"Let the Moglins go!"

"Oh, I'll let them go." Icemaster Yeti licked his lips as he lowered the net. The Moglins screamed in terror. One of the tiniest ones stuck his head out and let out a loud wail.

"CHILLY!" Blizzy and Cinder joined Kiyan. She had to restrain Blizzy from dashing into the net. "Please save them!"

"What do you want, Yeti?" Kiyan snapped.

"I was cheated out of a lot of gold..." The Icemaster eyed her bag. "You hand over that juicy backpack of yours and I'll release the prisoners...just slide it over here."

Her bag. Her _backpack_. The one her mother-her real mother-had given to her. For a heartbeat, she pondered what she should do. Her insane subconscious made the correct decision very clear to her.

* * *

_Inside Kiyan's deranged mind..._

"No way! I'm a hero; I need my highly generic weapons of doom in order to _look awesome_!" Kiyan walked out of the cave, leaving Cinder, Blizzy and the Moglins behind. Icemaster Yeti consumed them without a second thought. However, he died shortly after because Yeti+Fire pet=BIG KASPLOSION.

Frostvale fell silent forever. All the other Moglins around Lore were scarred by that terrible event and went into hiding. Twilly and Zorbak never joined Kiyan in her adventures. Twig never fulfilled his role as an Avatar, therefore breaking the entire Devourer Saga. The Moglins' healing powers were missing from the world. Thus, Akriloth and Carnax wiped out most of the human race. Then, as the Drakel slowly returned to what was left of society, The'Galin came, uncreated everyone, and then accidentally ate his wife-Lorithia. He went insane, uncreated himself, and utterly destroyed the universe as we know it.

Now they need to rewrite AdventureQuest. _Great_.

* * *

"Yeah! I'm a hero; this is kinda my _thing_." She kicked the backpack to the Icemaster. Unbeknownst to Kiyan, while she was daydreaming, Blizzy had crawled into it. The Yeti smiled evilly.

"FOOL! Now I have you where I want you!" He slammed a furry fist into the ground. A shard of ice dropped onto Kiyan and knocked her out. Blizzy crawled out of the bag and lowered the Moglins to safety.

"Now! Use all your healing magic on Kiyan!" The Moglins stretched their paws towards the rogue. Feeling strength seep back into her body, she stood up and pointed a dagger at the now-cowering Yeti. He let out a loud groan.

"Show this overgrown carpet what happens when you're mean!" Chilly called. He slid the backpack to Kiyan.

"NO, NO!" The Icemaster shrieked. He tried to bite Kiyan's arm. Cinder sent a fiery blast in his direction. He tripped and crashed into the sculpture, somehow causing the cave to shake violently.

"Let's get out of here!" Kiyan yelled. Blizzy, Chilly and the rest of the Moglins followed her.

"THIS CAN'T BE!"

"Well, what's that saying?" Kiyan winked. "You don't _snow_ what you have until you lose it!" Cinder slapped her again. "Aiiieeee!"

* * *

"Great job, General!"

Raicom, Maya and Ash waved at Kiyan as she entered the village. Artix had gone off somewhere. The Moglins cheered wildly, celebrating their freedom.

"Kiyan, you've done a great thing for us!" Blizzy grinned, hugging Chilly tightly. "Frostvale wants to thank you. We've decided to have a celebration in your honor." He paused. "Actually, an _annual_ celebration in your honor.

"I saved an entire village of Moglins AND I I inspired a holiday? This is the best day ever! Nothing could ruin this! NOTHING!" Just then, Artix ran up to Kiyan, frenzied.

"Neld was practically destroyed!"

"Wow. That was fast." Kiyan frowned. "At least Frostvale is safe. We could just go there and-"

"I don't think you understand. The port city of Sentar was completely destroyed. It's a big _island_, Kiyan. An entire _island_ was wiped out."

"...You didn't tell me it's an island!"

"But-"

"I assumed it was a village, or a town, or a kingdom, even!" Kiyan panicked and started bashing her head against an igloo. "This has got to be _the_ utmost _worst_ military mistake I have _ever_ made or ever will make."

* * *

_Five years later..._

"Okay, so _maybe_ using Twilly to bait the whole herd was a bad idea."

* * *

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Raicom patted Kiyan on the back. "Everyone messes up."

The rogue looked glanced up at Artix. "Sentar's population?"

"Fifteen thousand."

"Survivors?"

"...One...?"

"OHMYFRICKENGOSH!" She wailed. The igloo started to crack from all of her head bashing.

"Yeah, that was pretty bad." Raicom winced.

"Because of me....Fifteen thousand people dead because of me..."

"Fourteen thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine, actually," Ash corrected. The others glared at him. "What?"

"...I can't believe it..."

"Is she crying?" Ash whispered to Artix. The paladin shook his head.

"No, she's not. Of course she's not."

"Make sure that the survivor is taken care of," Kiyan sighed. "Whoever it is must hate my friggin' guts."

"He disappeared."

"What?! Why the flip would the Vandarians want to take a prisoner if they already killed an entire FREAKING NATION?!"

"They didn't take him." Artix clarified. "We just...don't know what happened."

"Don't know what happened," Kiyan snorted. "_I'm_ the one who _don't know what happened_."

"What's wrong with her? Her grammar is dying," Chilly whispered. Artix shook his head sadly.

"No one blames you," Raicom spoke up. "You didn't know."

"Yeah, it's not my fault I'm not well versed in the geography of Lore!" Kiyan collapsed on the ground. Her friends ogled her groaning form, bewildered.

"And now she's making snow angels," Chilly added.

"Aaaaagggh. I can't believe it...a city...the only survivor is missing..."

"Kiyan. It's not entirely your-" Artix was cut off by her loud shriek.

"ENTIRELY?!"

"Well, you have to admit, it _was_ a pretty stupid thing to do."

"You didn't tell me it's a freaking island!"

"Okay, calm down." Blizzy pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "First of all, Neld was not taken in a day. And we're not the only ones who could've saved them-the nearby continent of Deren is holding off interfering because of some silly political reason. It's not entirely your fault."

"ENTIRELY?!"

"You know what? Never mind. We're going to have a huge celebration tonight. King Alteon the Good is going to be there. Get some rest, Kiyan. Don't worry about this now." Maya reasoned. She and the rest all headed into the huts to prepare.

Kiyan wandered around aimlessly for a few minutes, contemplating the bad news. She plopped down in front of a big, leafless tree and opened her backpack, taking out her new helmet. She studied it as thoughts surged through her head.

_Worry? What's worry? WHAT THE HECK IS WORRY?_

_

* * *

__Inside Kiyan's deranged mind..._

"We're so sorry, miss." Sir Junn looked deeply saddened. He let out a deep, sorrowful sigh as he wheeled out a sheet-covered body. "We've lost him."

"NOOOO!" Maya fell to the floor, clutching her chest.

"What? Oh, crap. Don't get a heart attack. I just finished with the idiot!"

"What was it, doctor? Was he in pain?"

"Yes...his Worry was incurable. He lived for thirteen seconds." Their eyes filled with tears. "I...I didn't think that he could last that long," Sir Junn choked. "But he did! THAT LITTLE SOLDIER DID!"

"Drakath! Join me, and together, we will rule the universe!"

"I WILL NEVER JOIN YOU!"

* * *

"Kiyan? KIYAN! Wake up!"

Ash kicked the rogue lightly. Her eyes jolted open; she sat upright and scowled at the page, resting her aching back against the big tree she had fallen asleep against. Her helmet rested on her lap.

"Oh, come on! I didn't get to the Moglin part!"

"Whatever. Blizzy wanted me to tell you that we'll be starting in half an hour." Ash turned around and walked back to the village, passing Artix as he did.

"Hey. Sorry about just now." The Paladin sat down beside her.

"No, that's okay. I just feel...weird," She admitted. "Like I ate something really bad and it's clogging up my heart and making it soggy."

"That's called guilt."

"You what now?"

"Guilt. Feeling remorseful. Maybe you should write about how you feel," Artix suggested, pulling out a piece of paper and a pen.

"Seriously, where the flip are all these pockets?"

"Take your time." Artix stood up. "It could be anything. A letter to yourself, to Sentar, to Draynor-" He noticed the confused look on her face. "The leader of Deren," He clarified.

"Okay." Kiyan grabbed the pen. Artix flashed her an assuring smile and strode away.

There she sat. Holding a pen and paper, the dying sun shining gently on her face. What to do? What to say? Unfamiliar with "guilt", Kiyan did what she did best.

She reached into her deranged mind.

_Yo, Draynor!_

_Why the flip did you not save Neld? THAT WAS REALLY STUPID! _

_Bluewing _

* * *

_Four minutes later..._

"Uhh..." Artix crumpled up the paper. "That was very...creative."

"I'm a natural!"

"Yeeaaah," The Paladin coughed. "Anyway, it could use a bit of work. I like the pseudonym-"

"Gesundheit."

"...The _fake name_ "Bluewing", though. How'd you come up with that?"

"Simple. Blue is my favorite color, and...uh, wing is for the freedom that a bird has, despite having something large attached to it."

* * *

_Three minutes earlier_

"Bluetwig. No, Bluebranch. No, Bluesky. Or maybe-"

_SPLAT_! A white dollop landed on Kiyan's forehead.

"Ew! THAT IS NOT SNOW!" She hollered at the retreating bird. Immediately, she grabbed the paper and started writing again. "Bluepoop. Bluebeak. Bluewing-" Kiyan snapped happily. "Bluewing!"

* * *

"...Yes. That."

"Wow, that was surprisingly poetic."

"Mmhmm."

"Anyway, you'd best be getting ready. King Alteon and the Moglins are waiting."

Kiyan placed the helmet back into her backpack and followed Artix.

Frostvale was bustling. All of the Moglins were in the de-facto town square, warmed by a crackling fire. One of the young Moglins approached her, smiling shyly. He handed her a Candy Sword, before scurrying away. A brown-haired, bearded man emerged from one of the huts, surrounded by bodyguards. His red, fur-trimmed coat swept grandly as he walked.

"King Alteon!" Maya bowed. Raicom, Ash and Kiyan followed awkwardly.

"Hello, Maya," Alteon greeted her. He smiled at Kiyan. "You must be the hero who saved these Moglins. It's an honor to finally meet you; I've heard so much about your adventures from one of my daughters." He frowned. "I'm sure she would have loved to see you, but she's currently snowed in somewhere.

"Anyway, you've done the Kingdom a great service today. The bards will sing of this wondrous event, but not so much as they do their unfortunate titles.

"Were you able to find the villain responsible for this?"

"Yep." Kiyan held up her helmet. "Icemaster Yeti was talking to some guy called "Sepulchere". He was going to use the Moglins to make healing weapons. Thankfully, he broke the deal just as I arrived."

"Hm. I'm always impressed by the unthinkable convenient timing of events in RPGs."

"Uh-huh."

"I'll see what I can learn about him. Kiyan, I'd like you to visit Swordhaven sometime. I will send you an invitation once I am done with my journey."

"Cool!" The rogue shook hands with the King.

"Happy Frostval, Kiyan."

_On a nearby cliff_

Drakath clenched his fists. "The girl and the fake-"

"Calm down, kid." Xan scanned the horizon. "We've won this one. Heck, we've won all the future ones!" He let out a high-pitched, maniacal laugh. Suddenly, the flames in his eyes died down. "But what for? Insignificant. This is insignificant in the grand scheme of things."

Drakath raised a skeptical eyebrow. "That was surprisingly poetic."

"WARLIC WILL WALLOW IN HIS FRIENDS' MISERY ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh."

"Unimportant and small." Xan cleared his throat.

Drakath watched as Kiyan picked up the her helmet and examined it. "What have we done?"

"Good, Drakath. We've done good!"

They had no idea how right they actually were.

"Aahahahahahaha!" Xan stared at the ground, his ember pupils blazing in realization. "NOW GET ME THE HECK OUT OF THIS SNOW!"

* * *

_Three days later..._

The air was still cold and thin. At least Falconreach was defrosting. Kiyan clomped through the remnants of the blizzard and headed for the outskirts, clutching her new Candy Sword tightly. Twilly was going to meet her on the Oaklore-Falconreach bridge.

The Vandarian forces had been beaten back, partly due to Deren's unexpected help, and partly due to the army of undead that had risen and annihilated the armies. It went further; they had flown to Vandar and completely destroyed K'eld Alorin. Kiyan had been briefly (somewhat) concerned, but Artix assured her that it wasn't her fault.

Now they were finally going to get to the bottom of this Dragon Box business. This was it. No more conflicts, no more problems, no more distractions. No more-

"KIYAN!" She heard Ash scream. "WE'RE BEING INVADED BY FLYING EYEBALLS!"


	6. You Raze Me Up

"...What now?"

"Flying eyeballs. You know, eyeballs that..." Ash paused, feeling slightly ridiculous. "Have wings."

Kiyan lazily hoisted the Candy Sword behind her. "Well, you know what that means."

"What?"

"IT'S PUN TIME!"

* * *

"_Eye_ think this is really fun!" Kiyan smacked a red eyeball with her dagger. Ash and Raicom groaned as they followed her.

"You're really stretching it, aren't you?" Raicom snapped.

"Actually, yes. You have no idea how hard it is to make eye puns."

"How sad."

"I know. I must be losing my touch. I'm getting old. _See_-nile, even."

"...I cannot believe I just walked into that one."

"It was a big oPUNing!"

"...Shut up."

"More coming!" Ash yelled. He pulled away from the group and swung his sword at a squadron of eyeballs. They dropped to the ground and flapped their wings pathetically. Ash tripped on one of them and fell.

"I'd better help him." Raicom rolled his brown eyes. "He might burn down the whole of Falconreach, for all we know."

Kiyan chuckled and gave chase to another eyeball. It led her to the far outskirts, where she managed to tackle it and knock it unconscious with the Candy Sword. Satisfied, she turned around and headed back to the town.

_Click._

"Wha-? Uh oh. Click is not good. Click is _never_ good."

A few thick vines rose up from the melting snow and trapped her. An eyeball flew in, slid a block of wood on top of the trap, creating a cage. Kiyan, after a few minutes of making terrible, unrelated puns and slashing at the branches dejectedly, came to a conclusion.

"I can either scream or starve to death." She paused. "And screaming will make me look like a wimp, so STARVE IT IS!"

Fortunately for her, at that moment, a blue eyeball hovered towards her. He blinked sympathetically as he lowered himself to communicate.

"You must be here to finish me off-wait. You're blue! So you're the _good_ kind, right?"

Blink.

"You're Jimmy the Eye and Warlic sent you to help us?" Kiyan frowned. "Warlic...that must be Athena's mentor."

Blink.

"Of course I understand you. I'm not fluent in Blinkese, but learning the basics was a requirement."

* * *

_Exactly four years earlier..._

Blink. Blink. Blink blink.

"OHMYGOD IT'S ELVIS!" The teacher shrieked. All of the kids turned around, chattering in excitement. The teacher effortlessly picked their pockets, ran out of the school, and was never heard from again.

* * *

Blink.

"You know where the release switch is? Great, could you hit it for me?"

Blink.

Jimmy swooped down and smacked the ground lightly. Some of the vines fell apart, allowing Kiyan to crawl out. She shook the eyeball's wing gratefully.

"Thanks!"

Blink.

"Warlic says that texts tell of an ancient temple that is home to the Irismancer and his "army of eyes" as well as the ancient idols that are the source of his power?"

Blink.

"Yes? Wow, I must have been _really_ good at that class."

* * *

_Three years, eleven months, thirty days, twenty-three hours, forty minutes and fifty-two seconds earlier..._

"Where's Elvis? I can't see Elvis! ELVIS!"

The other children had given up blinking that he wasn't there.

* * *

Kiyan carried away the smashed remains of the idol. Twilly trailed behind her, his new wooden staff held high. Knocked out eyeballs littered the ground. The friends stepped over them and exited the temple.

"Halt!"

A cloaked figure teleported in and blocked their way. He held up his red staff threateningly. The heroes were quite unperturbed, since his head was basically a giant eyeball. It's kind of hard to take someone who looks like that seriously.

"Irismancer! Tell us why you have invaded us, villain!" Kiyan boomed. Twilly stared at her, confused. "Sssh. I'm roleplaying."

"Sigh...how can I explain this to you when there is so much that you don't see? First the prince and the mage come to me...now this?" The Irismancer shook his eye-head. "I see wars coming. I see shadows falling. I see a time where only the most powerful will survive. I see some who will protect others. I see some will protect only themselves."

"...What the flip?"

"And even though he hides, I see the one behind this all."

"You mean Sepulchere?!"

"Ha. I indeed see him. But he is not the one I speak of. Fight me, and I will try to explain." He stood there, staring at Kiyan expectantly. Twilly ran off to a corner and prepared to heal her. The rogue charged at the Irismancer and swung her dagger.

The Irismancer summoned a wind bolt, which crashed onto Kiyan. She stumbled and scraped her knee on the stone floor. Cursing silently, she managed to score his chest with the Candy Sword. He reeled back and cast another wind bolt.

Twilly chanted some healing spell. Kiyan felt some of the pain seep away as she hammered at her opponent. Eventually, he withdrew from their battle and bowed to her.

"You win. I will not be able to hold this form for long. Claim your prize...ask what you will."

"Mmkay...I'll start with the basics; who are you?"

"I am the Irismancer, a former eyeball pet. Most other ones were trapped for centuries until Zarek and Palladia freed them, but not me. I read over the shoulder of my old master until I learned to take this form. My powers grew; when the other eyes were released, most of them gravitated towards me." He coughed. "Literally."

"Heh...why did you attack Falconreach?"

"As I said before, dark times are coming. They will be upon us soon. I see powerful forces all moving at once. They are all grabbing for power so when dark times arrive...They will have more power than the others. They will be in a position to win the battle for their chosen side or for themselves. One such source of power is what the Guardians are guarding. The tower at Falconreach is one of the few still standing.

"My eyes went searching for this power, and when they found that tower, I made my own grab at that power hidden below it. I wanted to protect it. I told an annoying boy and a pyromaniac mage about the future's events-I felt that it was the least I could do to help."

Kiyan frowned. "What is it? What is the power that the towers protect? I heard Gorgok mention something about an "Orb"...what does that mean?"

"I am sorry, Kiyan. I cannot tell you that." The Irismancer had a far-away look in his eye. "I see that is not my place to tell you, but know this...when the times comes.. you may be the only one who can use that power."

"Oh...What about Sepulchere?"

"Not long ago, he was a hero who accomplished many great deeds. He had many friends, like you. Then he lost something that was dear to him. He felt that if he had been more powerful, he would have been able to stop that event.

"His obsessive search to become strong caused him to give up on life, technically. He discovered his cursed weapon; the Necrotic Blade of Doom. It poisoned his mind and his body. The armor he wears...it is actually wearing _him_. He has become something else, bound to the darkness."

"Necrotic Blade of...a Doom Weapon?" Kiyan wondered.

"Yes. Lore has never seen anything like them. Several spirits of pure elemental darkness came to our world not long ago-"

"How 'not long' ago?"

"About three days."

"Ah."

"Their sudden appearance has caused the Weapons to be much, much more dangerous. Sepulchere will lose whatever tiny common sense he still has left entirely. Anyway, like I was saying, it is difficult for a purely dark creature to survive in our world. The smallest flicker of light would destroy them. So in order to remain, they bound themselves to a weapon.

"Thus, the Doom Weapons were born. Corrupt and evil with minds of their own. Everyone can ignore their whispers for a while, but in the end they end up dead or mad or worse..."

"Wow." Kiyan cleared her throat. "One last thing..."

"Sure."

"If you can see so much of the future, how come you didn't know that I was going to beat you to a pulp?"

"I...uh...you can't just-it doesn't work like...uh...erm...I'm fading! GO AWAY!"

* * *

Drakath scooped his mousy black hair out of his slitted eyes as he clambered up the mountain. Dark clouds drizzled acid rain overhead; he let out an annoyed grunt as he traversed the wet, rocky terrain. Several fire elementals glared at him as he passed. Ignoring them, (_peasants_), he made his way to a wood house magically perched on top of a pool of fire. Thick smoke drifted out of its chimney, as if trying to warn him about its occupant. The strong smell was overpowering; he wrinkled his nose in momentary disgust as he knocked on the cobbled door.

"Xan! Open up!"

The fire mage slammed the door open, brushing his teeth.

"Whaddaya want?" He barked, toothbrush still in his singed mouth.

"More 'revenge'."

"Hehehe...you think you can march right in and order me about?" Xan chucked his flaming toothbrush at Drakath. "You forgettin' what I did? I killed two freakin' nations!"

"_Indirectly. _And I'm calling in my last favor," Drakath snapped. "It's just as well. I really don't want to deal with you anymore." Xan sighed, waving his hand to allow the toothbrush to fizzle out. Now reduced to a stick, it rolled off the mountain.

"Fine, fine. Promise that it's nothing too major or huge or-"

"Torch Falconreach."

"REALLY!? One big town?!" Xan exclaimed excitedly. "Ahahahahaha!"

"Yes. Kiyan must pay."

Xan lifted a coal eyebrow. "We already made her."

"Shut up. My father gave you specific instructions to help the Slugwrath family; do this, and you will be free from any future obligation. And when I reclaim my rightful throne, I'll make sure to help you out a bit," Drakath fibbed. He had no intention of helping Xan whatsoever; working with him was probably one of the most taxing things about his day job.

"Whatever. I need to distract myself before I obliterate Warlic, anyway. You win, prince-cess. FYI, working with you's not exactly the funnest thing ever."

"Enough small talk. How many men do you need to start with?" Drakath demanded.

"None!" The mage winked. "While you were ranting-"

"I DO NOT RANT."

"While you were ranting, I sent a little..._present_ to Falconreach. Bassault should get there right...about...now!"

* * *

"Woah...what's THAT?!"

"Cysero said he wanted you to have it, to thank you for saving the town again." Raicom plunked a small, red stone onto Kiyan's palm. It seemed to glitter at her mischievously. She could hear a rattling sound when she shook it. "It came from a meteor. He said it should crack open soon. Next week, probably. There was some ranting about "Cor-Dem", too. I didn't pay attention."

"Ohh...uh, that's nice." Kiyan slid the stone into her backpack. "I'll take care of it. Thank him for me."

Just then, Xan's monstrosity leaped into town. He had four legs, and his hands were made of hardened lava. Magma seeped through the cracks of his stone body as he charged at them; his powerful arms swinging wildly at the heroes.

"Dang RPG timing!" Kiyan raised her Candy Sword and slammed it onto its leg. Bassault let out a shriek of rage and whirled around, swiping her cheek with his horns. Annoyed, she and Raicom swung their weapons at the magma cracks.

Bassault raised a foot to crush Raicom, but he managed to dart away in time. Kiyan saw Cinder and Ash heading towards them. Bassault shot lava from his hands as he ran around the area; surprisingly agile. Ash ducked and landed a blow on his arm, while Cinder absorbed his attack.

Enraged, the beast knocked Kiyan away violently and tried to run over her friends. Black spots appearing in her vision, she lunged at one of his legs and jammed the Candy Sword into the largest of the cracks. Bassault screamed in pain and blindly kicked out his other legs. Raicom jumped on one of them.

"This monster is super boring! We haven't said anything in two paragraphs!" Kiyan realized, tactlessly shattering the fourth wall.

"Shut up and keep killing it!" Raicom yelled back.

Ice shot up the invader's body, freezing his fiery blood. Bassault fell over, dead.

"...Wow."

* * *

"WE'RE BEING INVADED AGAIN!"

"You're _kidding_ me."

"It's true! A ton of-"

"Earth. Water. Wind. Darkness. Light."

"_Fire_!"

"Oh."

"Fire monsters are attacking!" Ash pointed to to the Guardian Tower. Flamewings and Lava Globs were pelting it with fireballs.

"Get Cinder to absorb some of the fire." Kiyan gazed up at the darkening sky. "We'll hold them off."

* * *

"OH COME ON!"

Falconreach was aflame. Buildings were reduced to smoldering heaps; Yulgar's Forge and the pet shop were completely incinerated. Smashed glass was littered on the charred ground, and the sky was now a bloodshot red. Kiyan flinched as she passed the remnants of the town. Thankfully, most-if not all-of the residents were safe. Lady Celestia had apparently helped them to transport all of their belongings, items, and the interiors of their homes or stores. Still, it was incredibly disturbing, seeing everything destroyed.

A fire elemental tried to sneak up on Kiyan. She stabbed him lightly with the sword, causing it to vanish. She could feel her burns tingling. The scrapes on her knee were reopening, too; she needed to see Twilly. Her stomach knotted as the world around her spun. Thankfully-or not-Ash came running up.

"King Alteon is missing!" He screeched, eyes wide in distress.

"You're just a walking box of freakin' joy, aren't you?" The rogue snapped.

"They were by the outskirts; all of his knights were defeated!" Ash continued, ignoring her. "Please, go and find him!"

* * *

Kiyan retched painfully as she emerged from the swarm of injured, grumbling lava globs and elementals. Blood oozed slowly out of a deep gash on her face. She could hear coughing as bad as her own through the thick smog; she outstretched a hand and felt a furry piece of cloth.

"Who goes there?" King Alteon asked weakly.

"It's me; Kiyan." She found his arm and led him out of the dangerous area.

"All of my knights..." The king closed his eyes, his voice hoarse with sorrow. "Defeated by Xan..."

"Xan? That must be the idiot behind all this....?"

"Yes. He defeated all of my two hundred and ninety-nine of my elite guards with a _single_ fire spell."

"Wow."

Alteon looked up at Kiyan, hope brimming in his kind brown eyes. "We can still win this. What is your profession?"

"Video game character?"

"No...become the three hundred and first elite guard!"

"What happened to the three hundredth?"

"Let's not talk about that." Alteon cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Go! Save Falconreach!"

* * *

"This is over! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Xan grinned at Kiyan, freakishly overjoyed at the sight of the ruined town. His minions were dancing around, setting the ground alight. The rogue stared at him coldly-or as cold as she could muster, at least. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a single, unharmed board propped up on the remains of the Inn.

"Get out of my way so I can finish this!" Xan barked.

"No!"

"Whaaaat?!"

"As long as that last board remains, I'm not going anywhere!"

"...You would _seriously_ give your life to defend a plank of wood while all of your friends are safe anyway?"

"...Yes?"

"Whatever." A flame ignited in the mage's clenched fist. "This should be interesting..."

He hurled a fireball at Kiyan. It smattered her arm badly; she clutched it as she dodged Xan's attacks. She managed to block another fireball, but she stumbled over a piece of debris and was hit by a blast of pure fire. Xan snapped his fingers.

"Wha-? CLICK IS NEVER GOOD!"

And bad it was. A torrent of flames shot down from the sky, pelting the rogue. Kiyan keeled over in pain, her vision severely blurred. Flames danced around her, encircling her in a fiery trap. Xan laughed in his trademark maniacal fashion before blasting some trees with fire for a dramatic effect.

"You survived that? Huh. Guess you're special." Xan blew the flame off his fingertips and strode towards the fallen rogue. "Never mind. I knew you would live, anyway."

"What the frak are you talking about?" Kiyan murmured. Orange and yellow melded together and swam in her watery eyes. She squeezed them shut, feeling her head throb. She barely noticed the surrounding flames dying down. Her cuts and burns tingled as she tired to crawl away from Xan. The mage grinned wickedly and created a wall of fire, blocking her way. Kiyan collapsed onto the blackened ground.

"I barely know, myself. AHAHAHAHA!" Xan chortled. "Anyway...I have to get going. I'll see you soon, kid." He and his minions teleported away. "Sorry 'bout the town. But you know what they say; ashes to ashes!" His voice rang out.

"...Hehehe. That was a good one," Kiyan muttered as she blacked out.

* * *

"_...Wow, it's dark. Super dark. It's like...closing your eyes and sitting in a closet with the lights turned off at night._

"_...That was stupid. /failed poetic moment. _

"_It's like the Department of Redundancy Department._

"_Ow! What was that? STOP KICKING ME!"_

* * *

"Wake up!"

Kiyan eyes fluttered open as she regained consciousness. All of her friends were clustered around her, worried expressions on their burned and bruised faces. Twilly let out a whoop.

"It worked!"

"Thank goodness you're okay," Reens breathed.

"But what about Falconreach?" Kiyan asked.

Yulgar sighed. "We weren't able to do much...all that remains is that board."

Cysero's Orb flashed. "Hey, you on the ground; you wanna buy a weapon?"

Patch the barber spoke up. "But dun feel bad; if it wasn' for you, we'd be dead!"

"Dragon Coins are cheap, really," The Orb continued.

"We can start over," Aria quipped. "And we can make it better than before!"

"Yeah..." Kiyan smiled. "We can raise gold to restore Falconreach to its glory!" A piece of scorched wood fell on her head. "Ow!"

"Your bag space is small...for the one-time price of-"

"Cysero, shut up!" Raicom yelled.

"I WILL SHUT UP WHEN THE GOOD PEOPLE OF FALCONREACH HAVE STAFFS FOR ONLY FIFTY AMERICAN CENTS! Ding!"

"You guys had better start doing your usual stuff again," Kiyan eyed the makeshift tents that had been erected in place of the destroyed buildings. "People will need weapons and...um, haircuts. Any questions?"

"Yeah...why are you still lying on the grass?" Aria frowned.

"It's quite comfortable. Now-to work!"

* * *

Falconreach was rebuilt. It looked better than before, actually. The Guardian Tower had a new symbol of pride; a falcon extending its wings to fly off to the horizon. New businesses and the like had cropped up, too; they now had a town hall.

The civilians were gathered near the outskirts, celebrating. With a proud grin, Kiyan hammered the last board into the ground.

"OHMYGOD-!" She accidentally struck her finger.

Thoroughly annoyed, she kicked the board and headed for the bridge. Rounding one of the big trees, she spotted a cloaked, hooded man leaning on the old wooden fences that separated them from the drop into the ocean. Curious, she approached him.

"Yes?" He spoke in an ominous-yet strangely fatherly-voice. Kiyan shuddered slightly before talking.

"Uhm, hi. You're new here. Who are you?" She noticed two significantly large bulges on his back.

"My name is of no importance. You, however, are someone I find very interesting. Heehee..."

"Er...okay."

"A rogue of your power deserves something grand...like a Doom Weapon." His gloved hand fiddled with his hood, smoothing out a small crease on the black material.

"The Doom Weapons!" Kiyan gasped. "The dark elemental creatures...the Weapons are practically possessed! And the cool eye-mage told me that they're going to make Sepulchere go mad and-I sound crazy, don't I?"

The stranger waved a gloved hand dismissively. "Not really. You don't need to tell me their life story, though...I know an awful lot about them...heh."

"Well, they're evil and stuff. Are you sure you still want to sell them?" A chilling sensation swept over the rogue. What if this guy was one of Sepulchere's cronies? No...he dressed too cool...

"Oh, yes. Positive."

"It's your life, I guess." Kiyan shifted uncomfortably. Was it just her, or was it getting darker? She would get to those Weapons and destroy them...one way or another. But this creepy...well, she wouldn't say "creepy". He somehow didn't really seem seedy or anything. This guy...was he evil? She couldn't tell. She was never very good at gauging people's true intentions. "I'll see you around, then." The rogue turned around and headed back to town.

"Yes. Several times, actually," The stranger chuckled. Bewildered, Kiyan quickened her pace and fled the area.

* * *

Kiyan passed the Eastern border and entered Surewould forest. She held the Cor-Dem stone in her hand; she could feel it crumbling. As the trees became denser, it collapsed entirely, leaving a strange object in her palm. It appeared to be a key of some sort. It looked as if it was made of bone, with a blood red handle, some claw-like protrusions, and green markings. She turned it slowly, accidentally pressing a hidden button, causing it to change into a dagger.

She noticed words emblazoned in a alien language running down its curved sides; _"reveohw sdaer siht si a daeh-eipoop...dna lliw eb eno fo eht sroivas fo eroL. Ho parc."_

Amazed, Kiyan pressed the button to change it back into a key and tucked her new weapon into her backpack. Still somewhat shocked, she only took notice of her surroundings when she passed a fallen log.

"When that fell...did anyone hear it?" She joked to no one in particular.

"I did!" A light orange-haired girl dressed in green jumped out of the bushes. She grabbed a bow and a sack of arrows, hauling them up to Kiyan. "It's about time you showed up. Silly invaders, constantly delaying our meeting."

"Robina?!"


	7. Scrambled Eggs

"Hello, Kiyan. I haven't seen you for a while. How are you?"

Kiyan gawped at the ranger, before resuming her composure. "Fine, aside from the fact that I _indirectly_ led to the destruction of Neld, failed at saving Falconreach, and-"

"Wait..._indirectly_?"

"YES IT WAS FREAKING INDIRECTLY!"

"Okay..."

"Anyway, Twilly told me that you could help me." The rogue noticed a small, wooden lever on a tree. It was attached to a string that was attached to a rope, which formed a loop at Robina's boot-clad feet. "What's that for-?"

"Hold on for a sec." Robina shoved Kiyan into the bushes and darted behind a tree. A familiar-looking Sneevil ran by, cackling madly. The Black Dragon Box was clutched in his grubby green hands.

"That was freakishly convenient," Kiyan commented.

"They won't get you, little Boxy!"

"I have _not_ heard that in a long time," She muttered. Robina shushed her and kicked the lever.

"I'm gonna put you in a safe place! I love you, Boxy! I-AAAAAAH!" The loop cinched the Sneevil's foot. The rope reeled back, suspending him.

"Oh yeah!" Robina emerged from her hiding place and did a victory dance while the Sneevil yelled profanities at her.

"Uh...cool. The thing is, I kinda need that Box," Kiyan explained. Robina froze.

"Pay me."

"Er...I can't. Sorry. All of my gold is stuck underneath a floorboard in the Inn. Uh-ah, I mean, it's in the bank! With lasers! Guarded by _robots_!"

"Well..."

"C'mon," Kiyan wheedled. "I've waited six months, three days, fifteen hours, five minutes, and twenty-eight seconds to get that Box!"

"Dude, you _count_?"

"I'M VERY BORED!"

Robina sighed. "Fine. I'll give it to you if you do some stuff for me."

"Deal."

"A-" The ranger coughed uncomfortably. "_Reliable_ source told me that one of King Alteon's caravans was robbed by the Darkwolves. They took a large sum of gold meant for his middle daughter's birthday. Do you think you could get it for me?"

"Sure." Kiyan frowned. "But I'm kinda in good standing with the King. Isn't this indirectly stealing from him and his family?"

"Ohh. He won't mind," Robina assured her, a knowing gleam in her green eyes. Mysterious music started to play. "DANG SNEEVIL!" Robina fired an arrow at the humming Sneevil's foot.

"Ow!"

"I can go with you," Robina offered, directing her attention back to Kiyan. "I haven't done anything exciting lately."

* * *

"Oh, yes. Because this is _really_ exciting."

The girls tiptoed across the bandit camp. Most of the Darkwolves were complete idiots; they'd bypassed several of them. Kiyan could see a pompous-looking man standing by the other end of the enclosed area; she figured that must be Richard the Vile.

"This is better than what I do on most days," Robina replied with a snort.

"And what might that be?" Mysterious music started playing again.

"Er...nothing. SHUT UP!" The ranger fired an arrow at Richard, who had been humming in a similar fashion as the Sneevil. He let out a strangled cry and fell over.

Kiyan bent over his twitching body, searching for gold. "So, what are you, exactly?"

Robina leaned against one of the tents. "I lead my Band of Merry Women."

"_Married_?"

"No, "merry". Anyway, we steal from the rich and give to the cuddly-wuddly forest animals!"

A montage featuring gorrilaphants, Sneevils, Vurr-Men, tuskmongers, various elementals, and much more flashed through Kiyan's mind.

"...Are you okay? Your face is doing weird stuff."

Kiyan shook her head. "I'm fine. You were saying?"

"My friends are cute, single, and well-drawn."

"RPG cliches FTW!"

"Yeah...you have no idea how many times I hear that at home."

"Wait what?"

Mysterious music started playing again. "OH COME ON!" Robina kicked one of the humming bandit's shins and slashed the rest's throats with her bow. She coughed awkwardly.

"Um...there's Little Joan. No one can beat her with a quarter-staff. Or a nickel dime, or penny one, for that matter! There's also Fryer Tuck. She used to be a friar, but she unlocked her hidden frying pan skills and never went back. And there's-" Robina paused to sigh dreamily. "Butler Merrian. The only boy in the group. He's mostly there for eye candy and doing the laundry."

Kiyan stared at the fainted Darkwolves' uniform. "Man, those are tacky. That Drakath guy is clueless, isn't he? He's nuts if he thinks he's entitled to the throne."

Robina laughed. "Not as much as you'd think. It all started when a nearby kingdom was ruled by an evil tyrant. He was planning to invade the countryside, including towns like Falconreach. A great war began. In the end, the Good King Alteon defeated him and restored peace. However, this tyrant had a son: Drakath. He's hell-bent on regaining the throne and will not stop until he does!"

The rogue secured the retrieved gold in her backpack. "That's terrible."

"I know. I only hope that he does not go too far..."

* * *

Kiyan and Robina rested under the tree, the Sneevil still suspended above them.

"These things are idiots." The ranger poked her struggling prisoner. "Their entire society is based on containers."

"I think I'm ready to continue now." Kiyan stood up and brushed some leaves off her lap. "What's next?"

"Duh." Robina held up a pouch filled with the gold. "We'll give these to the monsters, of course."

"...You what now?"

"Yeah. You didn't think I was joking, did you?"

So the rogue and the ranger left the still-whining Sneevil and explored the forest. Soon, they encountered a Basilisk, a strange creature that bore an uncanny resemblance to a Parasaurolophus.

Kiyan swung her dagger at the back of its head, stunning it. Robina fired two arrows into its side. Kiyan wrestled it to the ground as it thrashed about. She gingerly pried its toothy mouth open.

"Great! Now knock it out!" Robina called.

Kiyan lightly smacked the creature's head again with the dagger's hilt. It let out a defeated moan and rolled over.

"Give it the gold!"

She slid some coins into its mouth.

They waited for ten seconds.

"Good, now take the gold."

* * *

_Several times later..._

"Okay, we're done." Kiyan sheathed her Cor-Dem dagger. "Now what?"

"Nothing." Robina plucked the Box off the ground. "You kept your end of the deal. Here you go!"

"Wait...just like that?"

"Yeah." Robina tilted her head in confusion. "What did you expect?"

"Oh, I don't know." Kiyan took the Box. "For something this valuable, I thought there was going to be a bigger fight or something."

On cue, Drakath teleported in.

"NOT SO FAST, PEASANT!"

"There we go."

"You!" Robina readied her bow. The exiled prince summoned a fleshy, red and black monster to his side. It let out a loud screech and hurled itself at Kiyan.

"Ah, hello again. Krakhim, get the rogue." Drakath instructed his minion. He smirked at Robina. "Thank you for keeping my Box safe. Now you can both die!"

"Wait...you know each other?" Kiyan questioned as she blocked the Krakhim's arms.

"Oh, yes." Drakath narrowed his eyes. "We've met before." The same mysterious music assailed Robina's ears.

"DANGIT! Is that on the Top 40's or something?!" She pumped the Krakhim full of arrows. It kicked her friend aside and punched her. Kiyan tossed the Cor-Dem dagger at his chest. The Krakhim crashed into Drakath before vanishing, whimpering in pain. Robina picked the dagger up and threw it back to Kiyan.

"Impossible!" Drakath wailed.

"You say that a lot," Kiyan observed. "Is that what your dad said as an excuse for not using protec-"

"Oh, shut up." The prince scowled. He shoved the rogue away and snatched the Box. "You may have beaten me, but this is _mine_!"

"No!" Robina cried. "Don't let him open it!"

Drakath lifted the lid and...

Empty.

Completely empty.

"BUT HOW?!"

The Sneevil chuckled at the distraught villain. "Already dumped out useless thing inside!"

"What?!" Kiyan exclaimed. "Where'd you toss it?"

"Sneevil Dump Site, of course!"

"Oh, crap," Robina muttered. Drakath sneered.

"Does your daddy know that you're using that type of language?"

The ranger whirled around and incapacitated the Sneevil before it could start humming. Drakath teleported away while rambling about how he was going to defeat them in the future.

"You know who knew stuff about this?" Robina pondered. "Trey Surehunter. Well, he's probably _dead_, but I hear his daughter is hanging around this area. You should go find her. She might be able to tell you about the Dumpsite."

* * *

Trey's daughter was a pretty young woman with purple hair that fell down to her shoulders. Her green eyes twinkled at Kiyan as she spoke.

"Hello, adventurer! I'm Valencia, the world famous item hunter! Could I interest you in this statue?" Valencia patted a solid gold statue behind her. "Only one billion gold!"

"Woah..."

"I hear the residents of Falconreach have recently come into a lot of money. I thought they might like to purchase this."

"Er...I don't think it was _that_ much." Kiyan cleared her throat. "Could you tell me about Trey Surehunter? Is he really-"

"He's my father!" Valencia beamed. "He went searching for the "ULTIMATE TREASURE"-"

"You mean a Dragon Amulet?" Kiyan wondered, holding hers up for good measure.

"Oh, no, not even close to that. Those magnificent prizes can be found easily, for the low, low price of only $19.95!"

"They're so wonderfully functional!"

"Attractive, too!"

"Get yours today!" Kiyan and Valencia grinned and winked for the camera.

"Anyway," The item hunter continued. "He never returned."

"Oh, I'm so-"

"Until then, looks like I'm running the family business!" Valencia laughed, a somewhat maniacal tinge in her voice.

"Uh...so what is the "Ultimate Treasure"?" Kiyan asked, thankful for Valencia's seeming denial. Good thing too. She didn't know it, but her attempts to comfort people looked fake.

"I don't know. If I did, I would be after it myself! Pops can have that one. I'm going after a bigger treat!" Valencia gleefully rubbed her hands together. "Legend has it that there's an all powerful weapon called the Blade of-you probably don't want to hear about this boring stuff, do you?"

"Well, actually..."

"So, you're a hero?" Valencia changed the subject quickly.

"I guess..."

"How interesting!" Her eyes lit up. "I love hearing stories like that! What type of cool background do you have?"

"Erm..."

"Were you a young child raised on a farm who left to pursue a life of action and adventure?"

"No..."

"Do you have amnesia and have forgotten that you are actually royalty or have some hidden power?"

"No..."

"Was your homeworld destroyed and you were sent here in the last escape pod?"

"No..."

"Was your family taken from you at an early age causing you to train and dedicate your life to protecting others?"

"Well...they _were_ taken from me, but-"

"Did you find your super-powers the day you lifted your weapon above your head and said, "By the power of Numb-skull"?"

"People have called me that before..."

"Did you go back in time in a cool-looking car to change the course of history for the better?"

"No..."

"Do you have some birthmark or symbol which is part of your destiny?"

"No..."

Valencia's voice dropped to a deep whisper. "Have you realized that the world around you is a video game and that you are _**the One**_?"

"Kinda."

"Oh, that's good." Valencia nodded in approval.

"I came here to ask you about the Black Dragon Box. A Sneevil stole it and dumped the contents at the Sneevil Dumpsite-"

Valencia jumped in surprise. "The Black Dragon Box?!" She gasped. "I cannot believe it's you...you really _are_ the One...destined to become a Dragonlord!"

"You _**what**_ now?!"

"Inside that Box was a Dragon egg," She explained. "The Sneevil must have dumped it out. Amazing how they can open any lock! I know where the Dumpsite is...I will help you. Hmm, I wonder how much it is worth...just between us, I'm a tad bit surprised."

"Why?"

"Because from the looks of you, I'd have expected you to be after the _White_ Dragon Box."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Let's find that egg!"

* * *

_Two hours of trekking later..._

"Well, this is it."

Valencia and Kiyan faced a huge mound of garbage. The Dragon egg was perched on the very top. Hordes of rubbish-monsters swarmed the heap, adding discarded items onto their grotesque bodies. The stench was overwhelming; Kiyan took out the clothespin she had used in the Critter Cave and plugged her nose.

They ascended the mountain. One of the garbage-monsters flung various cans and crushed, unidentifiable metal at them. Valencia was hit by one of its shots. Annoyed, she sliced through its misshapen body with her sword and stomped its smaller friends to the ground.

* * *

_Five minutes later_

Energy ran through the Cor-Demi dagger as it sliced through a monster. Kiyan leapfrogged over another enemy and followed Valencia.

"I need to go make a heroic speech or something later," Kiyan explained. "Could you...like...give me some background music?"

"Sure...whatever you say. You're the hero." The itemhunter shrugged. By this time, they had reached the peak. Valencia hung back while Kiyan went to get the egg.

It just sat there. There was nothing grand or special about it. It really looked like a normal egg. She might even confuse it for one if she were in a different situation. Kiyan just stared at it.

"Doodee...dooodooo..." Valencia hummed loudly in a slow, melodious fashion.

"Finally! It's mine! I've gone through a lot to get this." Flashbacks raced through her mind, consisting of Sneevils, boxes, annoying exiled princes, Doom Weapons, nations burning (IT WAS FREAKING INDIRECTLY!), eyeballs, and a completely destroyed Falconreach. "All I have to do is walk five feet, pick it up, and it'll be mine.

"...Yup. That's all I have to do. I just need to reach out my hand and take my prize. And I **will** claim my prize, because I earned it. I'll claim it...in a few seconds. I should know better than this but I really want to savor that moment of final triumph...it only comes once, so I should enjoy it."

It would come several times in the next few months. Also, Kiyan is mostly apathetic and therefore barely feels triumph. Well played, life...well played.

"Deeedeeedee..."

"So I'll just stand here for a few minutes and-"

A gigantic bird swooped down, snatched the egg in its claws, and flew off. Kiyan blinked.

"DA DA DA DOO!"

"That did...that did not just happen!"

"Waaa-waa-waa-waaahh...."

"SHADDUP!"

Kiyan staggered down, trailing off a long, near incoherent ramble about how frustrating her quest was.

"I try and try sooooooohaaaaarrrrrdbutnooooo! Moglins and gorilliphants and aaaaaaa! I FINALLY GET TO THE FREAKING EGG butthere''!"

"...You don't _really_ care that much about it, do you?" Valencia questioned.

"Not really," The rogue admitted. "It just seems like I _should_ be."

"I have to say, that was very good timing on the Ultra-Vultragon's part."

"The _Ultra_-Vultagron?!"

"Yeah...it's really weird, you losing the egg like that."

"Why? Not 'heroic' enough?"

"Well...you're a rogue that doesn't steal. And you have no cool anti-hero character traits. Isn't that kinda contradictory?"

"Is there a handbook or something?"

"Actually, yes. There's _always_ a handbook."

"Now what?"

"We'll go to Lore's ultimate Vultragon site-Mount Moordoor!"

* * *

Mount Moordoor was conveniently located right next to the Dumpsite. Vultragons flew around, squawking, fighting, and eventually taking big bites out of each other. Ledges had naturally formed on the mountain over the years. The Ultra-Vultragon sat at the very top, staring down at its inferiors with a smug expression on its face. It appeared to be sitting on some things.

"They steal and eat each other's eggs," Valencia explained.

"...That's got to be the most self-destructive animal I've _ever_ heard of."

"You don't really know humanity very well, do you?"

"No."

Thankfully, Kiyan promptly smacked into a door before the slightly profound conversation could continue. Rubbing her sore head, she noticed that other, similar doors were on each ledge.

"This is the bane of door-to-door salesmen everywhere," Valencia noted.

"Ohhhh. Moordoor, as in more doors. And it's a LOTR reference, too. Hehehe...I get it." Kiyan pushed the door open. Valencia followed her to the other side.

"Ack!" Two Vultragons charged at them. Kiyan quickly entered the other door.

"We're on the opposite side of the mountain!" Valencia yelled.

"Okay!" Into the next door.

"...Oh crap." One of the Vultragons spotted and dive-bombed them. Valencia managed to score its wings. Kiyan, however, was scooped up in its claws. It soared upwards and carried her away from her friend. She started to pound on its legs with her fists.

"I WILL EAT YOU!"

"Heroes don't use that as a threat!"

"I WILL EAT _YOU_!"

The Vultragon veered right, swooped down, and dropped her in a big nest, right in front of the Ultra-Vultragon. Kiyan noticed six exactly identical eggs haphazardly scattered about.

"That turned out well."

"Don't worry! I'll get there!" The item hunter called. She evaded another Vultragon's attack and darted into the next door.

"Squack!" The Vultragon demanded his reward from his defacto ruler. In response, he was bitten on the neck. Disgruntled, he flew off, cawing angrily.

"Squueeee! Scwawwww!" The Ultra-Vultragon advanced towards Kiyan and flapped its wings wildly, trying to blind her. She could feel a sharp feather poke her eye. The rogue felt a twitch of annoyance as she jammed the dagger into the Vultragon's side. It let out an enraged cry and dropped her back onto the nest.

Meanwhile, Valencia was fending off the underlings as she went from door to door. Finally, she kicked open a big red one and popped up beside Kiyan. She pounced on the Vultragon and ran her sword down its back. Feathers flew as it struggled to get her off. It managed to peck her face before throwing her aside to the edge of the nest. It grinned evilly as it lowered its head, ready to push the item hunter down.

"Valencia!" Panicked, Kiyan darted in front of her friend, ducked, and swung her old dagger across the bird's exposed neck. Its eyes glazed over in fear as its legs failed and it stumbled to the ground. The beast rolled over, dead.

Valencia bent down and examined the six eggs. "One of these has your dragon. It's not possible for the Vultragon to have eaten it yet."

"I guess we'll keep all of them safe for now, huh?" Kiyan nudged them.

**SPLAT!** One egg rolled off the nest and plummeted down the mountain.

"...All five of them."

After they placed the eggs in Kiyan's backpack, they headed back for the red door, stepping over the Ultra-Vultragon's corpse.

"Okay, that's like, the first real death I've caused in six months," Kiyan noted.

"Yeah...that was _endangered_."

"Oh..."

* * *

_Five hours later..._

"I CANNOT believe we just ate that."

Kiyan simply wiped her mouth with a napkin in reply. Valencia rolled her eyes and stood up.

"I have to leave now. Thank you for letting me travel with you!" She winked, smiled, and dashed out of the Inn's front door before Kiyan could open her mouth to reply. A few seconds later, Ash entered the reception area.

"Mail call!" He yelled, startling some of the patrons. He reached into his pockets and pulled out two envelopes, one purple and one green. The purple one was neat, with a distinct red seal of a wand stuck on it. The other one was practically in pieces, green paper falling out of its many gaping holes as Kiyan took it. A peeling smiley face sticker was stuck on in place of a seal. Being immature, she chose to read the green one first. It was practically open, anyway.

_Hiya! _

_I was sorry that I didn't get to see you before I left...especially since you STILL owe me 5 gold...or was that you? Maybe it was Jeff._

_ANYWAY, I'll be keeping an eye on you. I can see that things will only get more dangerous from here on in, and you will need new, more powerful weapons. I've gone to find the materials that I will need to make them for you. Good luck, hero!_

**PS.**

**I WANT THAT 5 GOLD BACK!**

**-Cysero**

Kiyan folded up the messy paper with one hand and tucked it into the backpack. She carefully plucked the seal off the purple envelope and tried to open the flap neatly.

"What are you doing?" Ash asked.

"I'm...." She continued struggling with the flap. "Trying...to...open...it..." _Riiiiip!_ "DANG!...In the cool way that you always see other people do." She tossed the torn envelope onto the still-charred grass.

_Dear Kiyan,_

_I hope this letter finds you safe, for you are in dire peril._

_Use the portal on the hill and come to my tent. It is far too dangerous to tell you more here. Come quickly and we shall discuss this very urgent matter further._

**Sincerely,**

**Warlic**

**PS-Do not tell anyone, not even Ash, that you are coming.**


	8. Are You Glistening?

Kiyan exited the portal. She followed a faint path for a while before coming to a large clearing. A red, oblong tent covered in ornamental symbols was set up in the center. A young man with silver-white hair stood in front, dressed in a decorative robe. She approached him slowly.

"Greetings. I am Warlic." Warlic nodded at her. "You must be Kiyan."

"Wow! Everyone's heard of me. That's...odd."

"I can't speak for the rest, but I'm a powerful mage. I can sense who you are."

"Cool. So where's-"

"Athena is getting some supplies with Nythera."

"And how did you...?"

"MAGIC."

"And how are you...?"

"MAGIC."

"Why aren't you letting me finish any of my sent-"

"SCIENCE."

* * *

_Somewhere in the real world...(or rather, a far-away realm called Terra. Or something. Reality is relative, anyway. Or _is_ it? DUN DUN DUN!!!!)_

The author phoned the principal of her highly conservative, insanely religious school. "Hey, I just cracked my mandatory, lame, uneducated, science-is-automatically-evolution-and-therefore-is-evil joke of the decade! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

* * *

"...Ooookay."

"So, Ash gave you my letter?" Warlic questioned.

"Yup."

"Good. Well, there is a new threat amassing, and I fear that you may be our only hope."

"Thanks."

Warlic decided not to brood over that. It was probably a verbal slip. "I've seen your adventures. So far, I'm very impressed. Two dragons?"

"Two," Kiyan confirmed as she held up three fingers. Warlic stared at her weirdly before continuing.

"Anyway, a great Darkness is coming...and our side is not at all prepared to handle it."

"What can I do?" Kiyan asked.

"Well, you could've _not_ let Neld be destroyed." Awkward silence. "Too late for that. You must have a weapon powerful enough to protect against these threats. I've found several light weapons."

"Great!" The rogue took off her backpack and rummaged through it, trying to find her loose gold. "I'll just pay you now, and if it's not enough, you-"

"Oh, no. I'd gladly give it to you for free. It's just that they've lost their magical charge. They're entirely useless." Warlic shrugged. "I'll teleport you to the Crystal Cave. Find a shard from the fabled Crystal Tree and a weapon is all yours."

* * *

_-In the Crystal Cave-_

A strange, purple doglike creature rammed into Kiyan's leg. She batted it away with her Candy Sword and ran. More of the furry beasts chased after her as she zipped through the cave, tiny crystals crunching underneath her boots.

Hours later, when she recounted the story to Warlic, it wasn't the tree that stood out to him:

"_I ran and ran. After ten minutes, I was finally cornered by the dogs in front of this huge chasm. There was a gigantic stalagmite right next to me. Since I'm so _smart-"

"OHMYGAWD WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO?!" Kiyan wailed.

"_I was able to brilliantly deduce that I should push it over."_

"I'm too young to diiiieeee!" While she flailed about, the Candy Sword snagged the stalagmite and loosened it. Kiyan paused long enough to see it teetering forward.

"...Best...Idea...Ever!" She struck her head high in a self-congratulatory pose. The stalagmite then started to rock backwards instead. She uttered a small shriek.

"...Worst...Idea...Ever!"

It changed direction again and fell across the chasm, creating a walkway.

"BEST IDEA EVER!"

The Vizalain, who had been running at an all-time low speed, stopped to snort in disbelief before resuming their chase.

"_I shook them off, even though one of them managed to bite my arm. Owch. After finding one of those Blood Fountains that works like a healing pad, I hit a wall."_

"OW! They should put warning signs on these things!"

"_Apparently, it was alive. It was emitting poisonous gas, too. I defeated it-"_

Kiyan slashed the wall with her sword and the Cor-Demi dagger. It shattered into billions of pieces. The rogue stepped over them clumsily, stumbled a bit, and continued on. Eventually, she reached a big alcove.

"_And I found the tree!"_

The tree's name was Corundum. Kiyan really didn't bother to ask before charging at it and smashing it like crazy. It barely put up a fight.

"_I killed it. I have to tell you, Warlic, it was really pretty."_

Corundum started sinking into the ground as a result of her defeat. Large crystal fruit crashed onto the sparkling ground, breaking into small chunks. The dying tree managed to communicate with humans for the first-and last-time as she passed away.

"TELL THEM I WAS REALLY PRETTY!"

"_Then I grabbed some shards and went back to the exit. All the dog things had disappeared. I wonder why."_

_

* * *

_"Interesting...doglike creatures? _Many_ doglike creatures?" Warlic frowned. Uh-oh.

"Yeah." Kiyan rubbed her sore arm. "They're really annoying."

Warlic closed his eyes and resisted the nagging temptation to smack his head with his staff and hurl himself off Mount Shining Star. He'd just led the hero into killing a Vizalain. Greeeeaaat.

"Hello? Warlic?" Kiyan waved her hands wildly to get the mage's attention. He cleared his throat and straightened up, feeling his face burn from embarrassment.

"Where was I? Ah, yes. The weapons. They're ready." Warlic headed into his tent, shards in hand, still mentally kicking himself. He returned moments later, holding a sword made out of light blue crystal. "This is called the Shimmer. Use it wisely. I'll have daggers sent to you eventually, too." Kiyan took the sword.

"Thanks. So...uh...I don't suppose you could help me with finding my Dragon Egg and all, could-"

"Your _**what?!**_" Warlic exclaimed.

"Dragon Egg. It got mixed up with four Vultragon eggs."

"Get in here!" The mage yanked her into his tent, his plight forgotten.

* * *

"This is really roomy and...uh, dimensional for a tent," Kiyan noted. She was sitting by a long wooden table, flanked by shelves filled with books. Warlic was pacing back and forth-it seemed to take him a good minute to get from one end of the tent to the other, minus the time it took stepping around the decent amount of furnishing. There were a few pictures hanging on what appeared to be stone walls. The most elaborate was of a green-haired, blue-eyed girl.

Warlic noticed his guest's staring and awkwardly stepped in front of the picture. "Oh, this isn't the inside of a tent. We went through a portal that leads to my Mage's Tower. We paid a little more, but we thought it would be worth the extra price."

" 'We'?"

"Cysero and I. He's an all right roommate...mostly because he's usually gone. Anyway, the eggs, please."

Kiyan pulled the eggs out of her backpack.

Warlic placed a finger on one of them. "I've done some research on the Black and White Dragon Boxes. It looks sort of bad. If the texts are correct, this dragon will be..." Warlic paused dramatically. "The **Great Dragon** that will **destroy Lore**!"

Kiyan tried to gasp.

"We may be able to avert this catastrophe, though. But first, we need to find the true dragon egg. I have a good feeling about this. However, I need a power spell to dispel the illusion."

"Illusion?" The rogue asked incredulously. "I don't see any illusion."

Warlic cast her a withering glance. "Of course not. It's an _illusion_. All dragon eggs have a natural magic illusion that camouflages the egg, protecting it." The mage waved a hand, revealing a staircase. He strode towards it. "I have to research spells. Make yourself at home while you're waiting."

Kiyan could see the picture of the girl again. Warlic cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Wait! What can I do here?" The rogue asked. Warlic shrugged.

"Fix yourself a snack or something." With that, he headed up the staircase.

"_Fix myself a snack...?_"

* * *

_Forty-five minutes later..._

"I have great news!" Warlic announced. "As it turns out, you have the dragon that will **save** Lo-" A strange, overpowering smell made him stop speaking. His eyes rested on the wooden table. There, in a massive pan, was half of a giant scrambled egg.

"Don't worry!" Kiyan reassured him. "I took matters into my own hands!"

"So...uh...you _ate_ the Dragon that was going to _save_ Lore?!" Warlic cried.

"You said it was going **destroy** the world! And you said to fix a **snack**!"

"You stupid-waaaaiiiit. Do you perchance have an odd taste for mackerel and honey?"

"Ew! No, of course not. I liked it; it was like a normal fried egg."

Warlic breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay. That wasn't the dragon egg. Also, you've effectively narrowed our search down, despite your incredible idiocy."

"My what?"

"...Your _beautiful_ brain." Warlic coughed.

"Oh, okay."

"We need to summon a creature that can dispel the illusion," The mage continued. "I will need your help. My Ancient Tome of Summoning lies high in my tower, behind a barrier that I cannot pass."

"Oh." Kiyan nodded understandingly. "A magical force field you can't penetrate."

"Not..._exactly_." Warlic winced. "The Tome is on Cysero's half of the tower. You see, his experiments and dirty laundry were driving me nuts, so we divided it with a yellow line."

"That's not a very mature solution."

"You just killed and ate a rare subspecies along with one of her eggs."

"...Can I eat the other ones when we're done?"

* * *

"Didn't I fight these things at the Dump?" Kiyan wondered as she slashed a flying book with the Candy Sword. "Maybe they're related or something...great Creator, how did you grow _teeth_?"

She could see the yellow stripe running down the floor. She'd been trying to stick to Warlic's side, but it would be much easier to maneuver and fight if she stepped onto Cysero's. Glancing around to make sure no one saw here (though she wasn't sure why), she crossed the line. This triggered an invisible alarm.

"WEEWOOWEEWOO! Alert! I see red! I see red! Warlic, get off the grass! Warlic, get off the grass! Hehehe...that sounds like some sort of code phrase for hippies when there's a drug bust and they need to alert their friends via walkie-talkie to stop smoking weed....hehehe....then again, they wouldn't have walkie-talkies...they're harmful to the environment...and they haven't been invented yet in this reality...but they _could _hide heroin or something in it...yeah, I guess so. Warlic, get off the grass! GALABOOSH SQUISHY NOOTNOOT!"

"...He's awesome." Kiyan resumed her journey through the tower, Cysero's wise words filling her ears as she fought his failed experiments and random sock creatures.

Ripping one such monster off her shoulder, she finally managed to enter the top floor. The Tome rested on a decaying bookshelf, along with a rotting lollipop and some green dye.

* * *

While Kiyan was away, her sister Athena was returning. Nythera had left her some time ago to find some reagents for a potion-Athena didn't catch what. By the time she entered the clearing where Warlic's tent/portal was, Kiyan was already there, recounting her adventures in the tower. She was sucking on a lollipop; Athena briefly wondered where that had come from.

Warlic and Kiyan both stopped talking when Athena approached them. Ordinarily, people feel uncomfortable and intrusive if that happens to them. Unfortunately, both Athena and Nythera had developed an extreme attention-seeking disorder due to Warlic's admittedly..._uninvolved_ method of teaching. Athena was therefore thrilled by this acknowledgement of her existence.

"Hey, Warlic!" The redhead bounded up to her mentor and held out some blue and green flowers, completely ignoring her sister. "I found these on my way here."

"Uh-huh."

"Do you want me to get some herbs from Reens for you?"

"Nah."

"I nearly managed to defeat Nythera in a duel just now, you know."

"Mmhmm."

"I could get you something from the Sandsea."

"Whatever."

"I'm pregnant."

"That's nice," Warlic and Kiyan said simultaneously.

Disappointed, Athena slunk into the tent/portal, head lowered in sadness. Warlic turned back to Kiyan.

"Anyway, good job. The tome says we must summon a creature of unspeakable power in order to determine which egg is the real one. I require several reagents to summon "IT"." A piece of paper materialized in Warlic's right hand. "A bag of Fire Yarn, indestructible litter, a bag of fish, and a bag of wind-nip. All of them can be found around here."

"Sure. I can take Athena along with me."

Upon hearing her name, Athena bounded out of the tent in a suddenly gleeful stupor.

"Can I go with her, Warlic?"

"Why not?"

Athena felt her spirits soar. "Are you coming with us?"

"No."

A dark cloud drifting back into her tiring day, Athena followed Kiyan away, a gloomy expression on her face.

* * *

When she wasn't around Warlic, Athena had been back to her old self. Kiyan had explained the entire dragon egg fiasco, along with her new friends and foes and her role in the invention of a holiday. ("_IT __**WAS **__FREAKING __**INDIRECTLY!"**_)

Now, though, as they headed back to Warlic, Kiyan had an uneasy feeling that something weird would happen again...

Warlic exited the tent just as they rounded the clearing. Athena ripped the pouches containing the reagents out of Kiyan's hands and charged down the faint path before Kiyan could even react.

"WARLIC! _WARLIC!_"

Athena tossed the pouches into the air in her excitement. They rained down on her mentor in a wondrous spray of kitty litter, red yarn, salmon, and catnip.

Warlic was not impressed.

* * *

_Two hours later..._

Kiyan and Warlic were in the tower's largest room. Stone pillars with strange markings on them encircled a triangular pattern that took up most of the floorspace. The eggs were arranged in a symmetrical fashion around the pattern. Warlic held out the reagents.

"We need to pull this monster from its world into ours." Warlic stared at Kiyan with his steely eyes. "Remember, this creature is very dangerous and feeds and on dragon eggs. Once it has unveiled the egg, defeat it and vanquish it as soon as possible. Otherwise, it will eat the egg. Ready?"

"Ready."

Warlic closed his eyes and and mumbled some unrecognizable words. Suddenly, blue lightning crackled down the stone pillars and ran through the pattern. Yellow smoke filled the room. It remained for a few seconds before beginning to disperse. As it did, Kiyan saw a small silhouette. Warlic opened his eyes, and the lightning stopped surging down the pillars. The room completely cleared of the smoke, leaving a tiny cat standing in the center.

"Aw! It's so cute!" Kiyan exclaimed.

"IT IS NOT CUTE. That is a Doomkitten, an incredibly powerful, ebil being from another realm!"

"...Did you just say 'ebil'?"

"Yes. So what if I did?"

"Nothing..."

"Why, is it weird that I said that word? Do I appear too uptight to utter such a thing?"

"No, no, of course not." Kiyan stared at the Doomkitten. "I just can't believe that that's _ebil_. I mean, does it come from a planet of mice or something?"

"If you must know, it belongs to an anonymous benefactor from Terra."

"...What the flip?"

"Never mind."

The Doomkitten yawned and let out a little purr.

"I want to hug it!"

"It figures that the _only_ time your feminine side comes out is when the adorable kitten from a far-away world is a somewhat villainous creature that wants to consume your dragon egg." Warlic paused. "That was a _weird_ sentence."

"So how does this work? If something-or someone-is from another realm, you don't _kill_ them, you just _banish_ them?"

"Well...they don't even need to be _from_ that other realm. There _is_ an exception...but I won't go into that yet."

While they were busy talking, the Doomkitten had sniffed two of the eggs. It was now on the third one. Upon catching the delectable whiff of dragon, it began to claw at the shell. Warlic noticed.

"There, it found the egg! Get rid of it!"

"Okay, okay." She stooped down and started to pet the Doomkitten. It stared up at her with its wide eyes, let out a loud, sweet mew, and then clomped down on her hand. "Aiiiieeee!"

She jumped backwards and pulled out her Candy Sword. The hair on the Doomkitten's haunches raised as it let out a loud hiss. Annoyed and angry at having its meal interrupted, it sprang into the air and landed on Kiyan's head.

"Aaaaah!" Kiyan yanked it off and tossed it aside. It smacked into one of the pillars. It shook itself to try to recover, dazed. It curled its fluffy tail around its body and sniffed sadly.

"Awww...poor kitty. I didn't mean to-" Kiyan sympathetic tirade was cut off by transparent arrows jabbing through her body. The Doomkitten hopped to its paws and let out a yowl. A dark cage rose up from the ground and encased Kiyan, wisps flying everywhere. After a few seconds, Kiyan managed to find her way out.

She tripped the Doomkitten using the tip of the Candy Sword and managed to land a few hard whacks to the cat's back. Stunned, it stumbled backwards. It managed to claw at Kiyan's knees before she kicked it and held the sword to its throat.

"NOW!" Warlic yelled.

The rogue delivered a final blow to the kitten's head. It let out a pitiful wail as it vanished in a puff of smoke. Warlic walked over and picked up the dragon egg, which was starting to lose its Vultragon shell disguise.

"Here. This is yours."

And finally, Kiyan held it in her hands.


	9. If You Had Used Protection

**A/N: Toldja it would be weird. **

**Also, as I was writing this and looking stuff up in the DF Encyclopedia, I learned that AE is acquiring EpicDuel. Since I plan on writing something for every game...**

**Oh _crap_. (seriously, it's great news, but it's been six months and I'm not even finished with this...and I worked through the summer) Also, I found a new game called _Shadowtale_, and its story can tie in really well with the AE games. **

**I apologize in advance for all the unnecessary time jumping. (IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME!) **

**Special thanks to anyone who's favorited/reviewed. XD **

The sun shone down on Falconreach, population six hundred. It was a quiet, normal day, with people going about their usual routines. For example, right now, Serenity was attempting to bake another one of her cataclysmic pies. Outside the Guardian Tower, Aria was plucking some flowers for a new Linus. (HE REFUSES TO DO WINDOWS!) Konnan was leaving for one of the mills that supplied Yulgar's wood, and Reens was sweeping the backyard of her store/house. Two young children chased each other across the still-healing grass. One of the Inn's permanent residents was finally working up the nerve to ask out the girl he'd liked ever since he moved in. No one knew it yet, but a herd of newly awakened dragons flew overhead, through the cloudless blue sky.

It was at this particular moment that Kiyan chose to disrupt the peace by screaming, "WE HAVE GIANT SPIDERS GROWING UNDER OUR TOWN!", causing approximately three hundred females to shriek and run away. Aria squealed in delight.

* * *

_Three days earlier_

"You got the dragon egg!" Twilly jumped off his stump and hugged the kneeling Kiyan. Warlic had contacted Lady Celestia with the good news. "I know of this secret cave we can put it in."

"Cool." Kiyan plucked Twilly off of her and dumped him onto the ground.

As they walked, it started to drizzle lightly. After around five minutes, they rounded the Guardian Tower's hill and stepped down some craggy rocks near the sea. Twilly carefully pushed back a few vines and crawled through a small hole. Kiyan could hear his light footsteps as he rooted around in the dark before seemingly shoving something roughly. A boulder rolled away, revealing an entrance. Twilly peered out.

Kiyan walked inside, and the two headed up a sheer slope of earth. Eventually, as the ground slowly evened out, they reached the beginnings of an opening to a cliff. They were pelted by the now-pouring rain through the opening. Twilly veered away and continued on, Kiyan stumbling in the dark, following him. At the very end, she saw a dragon statue, its claws wrapping around the empty air in front of its stomach.

"You can put the egg in there," Twilly said.

Kiyan took off her backpack and lifted the egg out. She gently placed it in the statue's clutches.

"I could put up a protective shield, if you want," The Moglin offered.

"Nah...I think it'll be fine. I've already gone through so much trouble to get it; it would just be plain ridiculous if something bad were to happen _now_."

_Two days later_

"KIYAN!" Ash and Twilly burst into the Inn. "The dragon egg is gone!"

Kiyan sighed. "Of course."

Twilly stared at Ash, realization creeping into his panicked mind. "Wait...how do _you_ know about the dragon egg?"

_Four days earlier (prior to the **first** **paragraph** of this chapter, making it exactly in between the end of chapter seven and the start of chapter eight. Man, this is confusing) _

Kiyan immediately covered her mouth. She had accidentally read Warlic's letter aloud.

"...WHAT?!" Ash shrilled. "DANGEROUS...MATTERS?!"

"Uh, yeah."

"OHMYGOSHWHATISIT?! CAN I HELP OH PLEASE OH PLEASE! And...why did Warlic explicitly state that you shouldn't tell me? OH! HE SAIDNOTTOTELLANYONE_**ESPECIALLY**_**ME!**_ YAY!_ ME! OMG OMG OMG ISTHEREAPRINCESS?!"

Kiyan glanced at the fourth wall in annoyance. "I thought we dropped that subplot! And why is Ash suddenly acting so pathetic and...loud?"

"PLEAAAASSSSSSEEEEE?!"

"Okay; fine. I'll explain everything to you. Not right now, though. Warlic will probably kill me. And we really need to find a cure for your...weirdness."

* * *

_The day that Twilly and Ash broke the bad news...(Or the day we left off from. Look, I lost count, mmkay?) _

Kiyan, Twilly and Ash were standing by the dragon statue in the cave. Its head had a few chips on it, and cobwebs were twined around its claws. A huge chunk of the tail was missing. The neck was covered with a sticky substance.

Oh, yeah, and behind it was a giant hole the size of a house.

"How the flip did that happen?" Kiyan asked.

"I dunno." Twilly shrugged. "Let's follow it."

They climbed into the hole. Seconds later, they tumbled out into a fearful heap, deeply traumatized.

"Big...spiders..." Ash curled up in a corner and whimpered while sucking his thumb.

Kiyan glared at the fourth wall. "No more. _Please_. There is little to no proof that Ash is a pathetic, hopeless wannabe that can barely find the hilt of his sword, nor is there any of him being extremely annoying and wimpish, nor is there any of him having to serve as a comical sidekick to Mary Sues in order to represent our changing age. Yes, we get it. Viva la female or whatever."

Twilly stared at Kiyan. "What are you talking to?"

"...Nothing."

* * *

_Two hours later_

"I can't believe it," Valencia laughed. "I just _cannot_ believe it."

"Oh, come on. It's totally plausible."

"But _spiders_? After everything we've been through, it gets stolen by _spiders_?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Kiyan bashed her head against one of the Inn's walls. "I need a lot of help this time. Those spiders are gigantic."

"Where'd they come from?"

"I don't know. I guess I'll go back there later and try to communicate."

* * *

_Twenty minutes later_

Valencia, Kiyan and Twilly stood outside the hole, waiting for Robina to arrive. Twilly leaned against the statue. Valencia rested her head against one of the slightly damp walls. Five seconds later, they heard two pairs of feet shuffling up the slope.

Robina stepped into sight, followed by a noticeably excited Ash.

"He insisted I take him with me," She sighed, motioning to where the page was happily rattling off strategies for the possible upcoming battle while swinging his sword in a dangerous manner.

"Eh." Kiyan shrugged. Then she saw Ash try to attack what seemed to be an imaginary werewolf, according to his random screaming. "I'm a little...worried about him. He's acting really weird."

Robina stared at the giant hole. "Go on in?"

"Uh...you go first," Kiyan suggested.

"I'll pass." Robina glanced at Valencia. "You wanna...?"

"Nah." Valencia nudged Twilly with her foot. "Twilly, can you..."

"CHARGE! AHAHAHAHAHA! FOR FALCONREACH, DRAGON EGGS, AND CANNNNNEDDD WOMBAAAAAT!"

Ash ran into the hole, slashing the air with his sword.

"...He's not the comedic distraction! He's a poor kid that I deceived into believing that he has a chance in heck as a knight! He has some sort of dignity, I guess. He's...oh, forget it. I WANNA BE THE FREAKING COMEDIC DISTRACTION!"

The rest blindly followed the still-screaming page through a wide corridor, ignoring the door-sized holes dotting the soil walls.

"Hmm." Twilly poked a wall thoughtfully. "These could have been here for ages, for all we know."

"...This may only be a dreaaaaaam! You come and goooo, like the moments-"

Robina cut into Kiyan's screeching. "No."

"I AM THE KING OF NOWHERE AND MY NAME IS JOHN!" Ash screamed from somewhere further away.

"That's not flippin' funny!" Temporarily blinded by her rage, Kiyan lost her footing and stumbled down a deposit into a chamber of some sorts. Her friends climbed in after her, and they made their way through the increasingly complex passages, led by Ash's voice. Eventually, they crawled into a small tunnel and landed headfirst on the other side. A giant spider wearing armor from up to its waist glared at them with its eight eyes, the hairs on its legs bristling in irritation.

"Greee...tings." Kiyan pointed at herself and spoke simply. "I human." She gestured to Valencia and Robina. "They friends." She pointed at Ash. "That temporary Scrappy." She kicked Twilly. "This bait."

"What do you want, vertebrate?" The spider snapped irritably.

"AAAAHHH! Youtalk! Uh...did you guys by any chance see an egg around? Maybe from, you know, a secret cave or something?" The rogue wheedled.

"Yes."

"Okay, cool. Can I have it back?"

"No."

"Why would a spider want an egg?"

"We're hungry. It's a dragon egg. Despite their small size, they're very filling."

"But you're spiders. Can't you just trap a giant fly or something?"

It was at that moment that Ash tackled the spider from behind with a loud war cry, plunging his sword fearlessly into its exposed back. The spider slammed onto the floor with a thud, curled up into a ball, and died, legs twitching as green blood oozed out of the open wound.

"Ew." Valencia looked away. Robina poked it with her bow.

"Works both ways," Kiyan noted as Ash, his heroic moment completely forgotten, burst into a happy dance.

* * *

_One day later (So now it's the day it was during the first paragraph of the chapter)_

Warlic and Artix stepped out of the Inn and ambled over to Twilly's familiar stump. Robina, Valencia, and Kiyan were sprawled out in various positions around a nearby tree. The two guys smiled at them, but Warlic narrowed his eyes at Kiyan.

"Oh, come on. That one wasn't really my fault."

"I guess not." Warlic shrugged. "But you could have put up a shield. It's still kinda stupid."

"You know what's stupider?" Robina groaned. Before Kiyan could chime in with a half-assed quip about moms or faces, Robina yanked on a cord attached to one of tree's branches. Ash dropped out of the leaves, suspended from a short rope.

"Okay, you need to stop tying people up and dangling them from trees." Artix rolled his brown eyes. "You'll get into big trouble with your fa-"

"CLOUDS...TASTE...AWESOME!"

"Thanks, Ash," Robina muttered.

"Wait...why is he here?" Warlic asked, eyeing Kiyan suspiciously.

"Uhm...I...HE'S A PERSON TOO, YOU KNOW!"

"I never implied he wasn't a person. I implied you're an idiot."

"No!" Kiyan grabbed one of Ash's arms. "Enough! Ash is a respected, good member of society! He doesn't deserve to be discriminated against!"

"Oh, how sweeteth is the sorrow that comes in a midmorrow sonnet..." The page recited.

"What the flip?" Kiyan let go of his arm in shock.

"Okay...." Artix gaped at Ash.

"Can you explain this?" Valencia asked Warlic.

"It's some sort of temporary disease." Warlic watched as Ash let out an incoherent screech and headbutted the tree, still suspended from the rope. "You can call it...the near-OC syndrome. It's when a character becomes so OOC, they're practically a new character. So...near-OC. And I mean 'original character', not 'Orange County'."

* * *

_Somewhere in the real world (Terra, remember?)_

"The OC killed Arrested Development! DARN YOU, FOX! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!"

* * *

"It'll wear off eventually," Warlic continued, "It's just going to be a slight nuisance for awhile."

"The dragon egg?" Robina prompted.

"Ah, yes. It's going to be a bit complicated getting it. Apparently, the spiders have been living nearby for centuries. They must have an incredibly intricate system of tunnels and chambers. It's taken them ages to finally get to the cave, since it's up on the cliff."

"...So what are you trying to say?" Valencia frowned.

"Well..." Warlic's voice lowered to a whisper. "If it took them that long to get there...then...uh, I don't want to scare the entire populace of Falconreach, but..."

"OHMYGAWD THEY'RE UNDER US!"

* * *

And thus, here we are.

After all the worried citizens of Falconreach had been calmed down, the heroes assembled a group in order to storm the spiders' lair and rescue the dragon egg. Now, they were outside the hole in the cave, ready to enter.

At the very front of the 'army', Robina and Artix were talking in one corner. Warlic and Valencia were inspecting their respective weapons. Athena was desperately trying to get her mentor to notice her. Raicom was desperately trying to corral Ash, who was skipping around and ranting about candy canes.

Finally, Robina glanced at Warlic uneasily. "Ready?"

"Ready."

Slowly, the heroes filtered into the hole. The heroes went first, followed by a few relatively unimportant adventurers, then Yulgar and several Guardians brought up the rear.

…By the way, where's Kiyan?

* * *

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Kiyan screamed as she slashed wildly at a troop of armor clad spiders. "And...like, for that 'rear' thing you mentioned...not what the narrator just said..."

Sometime in the organization of their 'army', her friends had lost track of her. For unknown reasons, she thought it would be a smart thing to sneak into the hole when no one was looking and "clear a path" for them.

Really, though, she was getting practically nowhere.

Two dead spiders later, Kiyan poked around. She was currently in the chamber they had encountered earlier, having gotten there through sheer luck. Apparently, there were many secret entryways, each marked by a special kind of cobweb. The kind that marked the path to the "Super Secret Storage" had been delicately laced on the wall right in front of her. Unfortunately, the rogue was too busy trying not to step in a puddle of squished-spider goo to notice.

* * *

Artix led the way, clambering into a smaller chamber right next to the drop leading to Kiyan's. Robina warily scanned the corridor before heading in. The adventurers and Guardians remained outside, prepared to bolt for the exit in case the spiders were too strong. Warlic shut his eyes and cast a silent spell to pinpoint the location of the egg. Valencia was forced to restrain Ash.

* * *

_Splish!_

_Splosh!_

_Splish!_

"Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross!" Kiyan hopped about in a vain effort to not get any of the green blood on her boots. Eventually, she managed to grab ahold of an oddly discolored wall, not noticing the intricate cobweb strung across it. She shifted all her weight onto it using her hands, clenched the rocks set into the sediment, then gingerly lifted herself over the goo and plopped heavily on the other side. Momentarily tired, she leaned against the wall in relief.

"...Wait...ew! Gross gross gross gross gross!" Kiyan quickly jerked away from the suspiciously wet wall, losing her footing and splatting into the blood. "GROSS!"

Suddenly, the ground rumbled. The wall collapsed into a powdery pile, revealing a long, stone staircase covered in more of the wet coating.

* * *

Warlic's eyes snapped open in alarm.

"Kiyan."

Valencia let go of Ash's arms. "Oh crap."

Athena butted into the front of the group. "Warlic! I was totally going to tell you that my sister is missing!"

"Guys! Guys!" Robina called. "Artix found something!"

"Be right there!" Warlic yelled back. "Valencia; she's right next door. I think it might be the same chamber you guys found the first time you came here."

"Okay...just one problem. I don't really remember how to..." Valencia trailed off as she saw the frightening gleam in Ash's eyes. "Ash! Uh...where's your..._kingdom_?"

"THIS WAY!" Ash darted away and jumped down the opening in the ground. Valencia slid in after him.

* * *

_-Somewhere-_

The priestess was sitting in her tranquil garden, gazing into an orb.

"Only twenty-four hours left until the hatching." 

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

**A/N: I got massive writer's block at the end. This chapter wasn't supposed to finish that way, but...ah well. ;p **


	10. Cause This Is Filler, Filler Night

**A/N: Writer's block stinks. ;p**

**Also, school's tougher, random stuff...blaaaaaah. Yeah. I had written almost half of the next chapter, but it had no point and just went on and on...so yeah. (it started with an avalanche that turned out to be a rock elemental attack...which I thought was really good, but then it got reaaaaalllly stupid right after) So, while I rewrite the chapter, here's a backstory for Konnan as a filler. **

**-**

You might remember Konnan. You know, chapter three, Yulgar's apprentice, only adjective referring to him as "twenty-something" because of DragonFable's side-scrolling, basic artstyle that's responsible for the author's limited way of describing characters. ("Black hair", "brown hair", "brown eyes", "tall", "young"…Lorithia, I need help.)

Konnan was not originally from Falconreach. Oh no, Konnan came from a nearly-as-big town called Enbeecee. Konnan loved Enbeecee, even though the officials sometimes made stupid decisions. (such as building the town in a twenty miles' radius of an active volcano…but that's another story)

Konnan's family had lived in Enbeecee for countless generations. They were waiting to take over a weaponry shop right in the heart of the marketplace, where the business would be the best. The family (for records of their last name have been mysteriously destroyed) was good friends with the current owners, the Linos. The Linos had a long-standing promise to give the shop to the family.

Now, Konnan was a particularly gifted craftsman. He knew the ins-and-outs of the weaponry business. In his eighteen years, he had garnered as much as experience as even Yulgar. Although his older family members would be manning the counter, he would practically be running the shop.

So time passed and the Linos did hand the shop over. As they walked out the door, leaving Konnan's beaming family, the matriarch of the Linos had pulled Konnan aside.

"You're going to do a great job, son." Jey had winked.

"Cool." Konnan had shrugged.

There was a tiny detail, though. The Enbeecee officials would have a moderate amount of control over the store and any decisions that needed to be made. They also took fifty percent of all sales. But that was a tiny detail, and they did help pay bills, so no one really cared. The officials offered the Linos a smaller shop nearer to the entrance of the marketplace, and they happily agreed.

Seven months passed. Konnan and his family grew comfortable in their roles. However, much of the marketplace activity in Enbeecee had been disrupted by the neighboring town of Ceebee'ehs.

Ceebee'ehs was not as big as Enbeecee, but it still did pretty well. Apparently, one of the weaponry store owners had been having affairs with much younger women. Again, different story, different time. Many people had recently been attracted to his store because of his tongue-in-cheek way of dealing with his controversy.

"Do you like to bang stuff like me?" An inscription on a club read.

"Screw me!' An inscription on a nail read.

"STICK THIS DOWN YOUR THROAT!" An inscription on a…okay, that's _gross_. Never mind.

"I HATE SARAH PALIN." An inscription on everything else read.

Fearing for the profits they would lose from both Konnan and Jey's stores, the Enbeecee officials made a rash decision. They would move Konnan's family's store to the less busy part of the marketplace and bring the Linos back to the old location. After all, both had done much better in their previous spots. Win-win-MWAHAHAHA MONEY FOR ENBEECEE WIIIN situation, right?

Wrong-o.

Konnan's family-especially Konnan himself-freaked out. They had wanted this store for years. How could the Enbeecee officials do this? Konnan expected his older relatives to march into the city hall and demand justice.

They totally didn't.

Frustrated and angry, Konnan bade a quick goodbye to his mother and sister before saddling his horse and riding off. He didn't understand why his family hadn't stuck up for themselves instead of being pushed around by well-meaning government officials.

Days later, he stopped by the port town of Falconreach for a quick rest. As he exited the Inn to explore, he saw a blacksmith locking up his shop. Deciding that he didn't want to wander around for much longer, Konnan approached him and asked if he had a job opening. The rest is history.

* * *

Except it isn't really unless you count stuff that happened two years earlier as "history".

Ever since he left, Konnan had not visited home. He was still disappointed with most of his family, but now his anger had extended to his old friends and residents of Enbeecee in general. He still wrote home when he remembered, and he sent gold every month, but he was perfectly content to stay in Falconreach and not have to deal with them. Yulgar treated him well, and he had made some…interesting friends while sourcing for materials. Sure, people back home might have considered him to be cold and ungrateful. But they could think that if they wanted. He didn't care. He did once, but one of his friends convinced him that family was like fire…it should be admired from a safe distance, because if you get too close it might engulf your head.

One day, while Konnan was minding his own business, a brown-haired (AAAAAAGGGGH) girl walked into the store. Yulgar wasn't in, so he took the initiative to act as a salesperson.

"Hi, can I help you?"

* * *

"Oh, hey." Oh yeah, he recognized her. She was new around here. The girl glanced at some arrows.

"So, how do you make those?"

"Oh, we don't actually make them ourselves. Bows are arrows are ranger territory; we just act as the middlemen. Yulgar's tried before, but he can't quite perfect the…y'know, flying straight part. If they don't shoot straight, that's a problem."

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Kiyan screeched as a reflex. Konnan stared at her, bewildered. "Er…you're Konnan, right?" she said quickly, changing the subject.

"Yup."

"Dude, are you a barbarian?" she asked excitedly.

"No, but my half of my life story is a badly-made parody of the _Tonight Show_ drama."

"Cool!"

Over the months she spent in Falconreach, they developed into friendly acquaintances. As she became a respected adventurer in their area, he started to admire her bravery (read: complete and utter idiocy), sense of justice (read: "Hey! You made her cry! That's not nice! SAY SORRY."), and many victories (read: sheer luck and having, like, fifty friends). If someone like her stood up to the idiots at Enbeecee, it would change everything.

* * *

Now, Konnan was sitting by a window in his cramped room above the store, staring at the light drizzle outside. Yulgar had gone to help Kiyan recover her dragon egg. Konnan could not remember how many times she'd lost the darn thing, but whatever.

His eyes wandered to a pad of paper and an ink pot sitting on his nightstand. He briefly considered writing a letter to his little brother, but he decided against it. Konnan got up and pulled on his cloak. He did what he always did whenever he vaguely missed home-he was going to go visit a friend. It reminded him that he didn't need the life he left behind. Right now, everything was fine for him, and he intended for it to stay that way. And it did.

* * *

Except it didn't really unless you count around three years as it "staying that way". But that's another tale.


	11. From What I've Seen It's Hot, It's Mean

**AND WE'RE BACK.**

Featuring: more colorful language, hopefully improved writing, and 999% more Queen references! (apparently there was _one _in chapter five.)

* * *

Uh.

The heroes did shit. Not _a _shit; like shit as a pronoun. Like it's used in today's society.

…PLOT HOLE. DA NA NA NA NA~

Nonexistent story short, Kiyan, Valencia, and Ash found themselves in the Inn, completely separated from the rest of the group, facing a giant, snarling, insanely heavily armored (with _human skulls_ stuck on spikes attacked to the backplate), angry spider who was somewhat humanoid from the torso-up. Outside in the outskirts of Falconreach, the other adventurers were slaughtering the lesser arachnid soldiers, oblivious to the confrontation inside.

"The conquest of your surface town has proven too difficult for the Spider Queen's minions," the giant spider, the Spidermancer, said with an almost-dismissive air. "So I've come to stop you."

"Spider Queen? Sooo…_she keeps gooeys and fire ants in a pretty cabinet, let them eat termite larvae she says, just like Marie Antoinette?_"

"…No."

"Yeah, that was the best I could come up with on a short notice. There's, like, no bug in existence that rhymes with 'Moet et Chandon'." Then Kiyan realized a few things. 1) The Dragon Egg she'd worked so hard for for almost a year and was meant to save all of Lore was going to be eaten by 2) Scary enormous insects (remember, Kiyan is an idiot), the biggest of them currently facing her and her 3) Still insane companions; Ash was still OOC and Valencia was slightly wounded. She blurted all her thoughts out at once: "Whatdoyouwantfromus? Whyattackus? (gasp) _WhathappenedtotheDragonEgg?_"

The Spidermancer regarded her patiently, or at least as patiently as they could discern from a creepy spider face. _With teeth._ "In that order?"

"I beg your disgusting pardon?"

"I'm asking you if you want me to answer those three questions in order."

"Oh. Uh. Sure. Go ahead," Kiyan replied absently, staring at Valencia keeled over on the hardwood floor and Ash pretending to be a balloon animal.

"Well, first: what do we want from you? We can see there are many differences between our two people." Kiyan was about to say something about how technically, spiders didn't' count as people, but the Spidermancer continued. "But those are just on the outside. We've all watched enough live-action Disney movies to know it's what's on the INSIDE that counts…and that is what we want, your delicious insides."

"Ew, you want to _eat _us?"

"Well, yes. It's only fair. Don't you want to eat _us_?"

"_No_."

"Okay, forget that one then. Second: Why are we attacking you? It is YOU who attacked us first!"

"But that's because you took our Dragon Egg! We didn't even know there was an entire city below us!"

"So then…you deny dropping a huge statue clutching an egg into our town square?"

"Absolutely! An idiot Moglin told me we could put it there; I didn't know it belonged to you! Wait…so you didn't take the egg at first? The statue just intruded on your space so you took the egg for evidence?"

"Yes…so that's all? You weren't trying to kill us and eat us? That's kind of funny," the Spidermancer snickered.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kiyan laughed so loudly and so fakely that Valencia and even OOC!Ash glared at her. "Oh…well, glad that's cleared up, then. If you give us the egg back, this would all be over."

"Yeah, it's all a big misunderstanding. Except," he said slowly, "the egg turned out to be a highly valuable Dragon Egg. We're keeping it and saving it for a feast. And you still have yummy insides. You not wanting to eat us back makes it easier." The spider licked (! HOLY SCREWED UP ANATOMY, BATMAN!) his lips (! AGAIN, BATMAN!). "You look like you'd be a great first course."

"Well, thank you!"

"Probably go great with salt."

"YOU BASTARD ."

Without warning, Kiyan took out one of her daggers and threw it straight at his face. Valencia took the cue and threw one of her own as Ash clumsily slashed at a leg. The Spidermancer dodged just in time and used his staff to fire back with a spell, knocking the three of them onto the ground. Kiyan tried to jump back to her feet, but the spider pounced onto them and pinned them down, sharp teeth glistening above their heads. Valencia managed to roll away and plunged her curved sword into the exposed parts of the thick legs that served as his arms. The Spidermancer let out a hiss of rage, kicked her away, and leaped after her instead, gnashing his jaws wildly, spitting venom on the floor and squirting a haphazard web on Kiyan and Ash.

Meanwhile, Kiyan was desperately fumbling for one of her poisonous dagger. "Ash!" she yelled. "Help me rip open the black lining on my left leg!" Ash obeyed and took out one plain dagger with a vile green point.

Injured and barely fending off the Spidermancer as she was backed up to a corner, Valencia took the time to stare at Kiyan quizzically. "_You keep poisonous daggers in your suit's legs_?"

"Well, yeah! You can never have too many daggers on your body! Rogue Code number five-seven-four!...Well, I mean, you _can _have too many daggers _in _your body, but if they're _your _daggers it's all right. …No, wait, that's not it, it's…well…INSERT WITTY BANTER HERE!" she shrieked as she sliced and kicked out of the web, jumped on the spider, and slammed the dagger into his exposed neck. The rogue waited for the satisfying look of horror on the victim's face, their eyes becoming bloodshot, then the physical evidence of the deadly poison racing through their body and beginning to immobilize them from the inside.

The Spidermancer turned his helmeted head and leered at her.

"I'm half poisonous."

Then he chomped down on Kiyan's hand.

* * *

_LESSON TIME WITH TWILLY THE MOGLIN_

"Hiya kiddies! Now, some of you annoying smartalecks…I mean, _wonderful, smart children _may be saying "that's not possible! Spiders are _venomous_, not _poisonous_." Well, that's true, but remember…there's…uh…it's…_MAGIC. _Okay, in this special case, the Spidermancer is immune to poison because he's taken _loads_ of it before. What with being the head magician and head of the army, he knew one day he might face an opponent who might try to poison him.

"Also, kiddies, _WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? _Twillies feels bad for your life.

"Now, if you excuse me, I need to go save a Dragon Egg from the Secret Storage Room _all by myself! Yays!_"

* * *

Kiyan screamed in pain and dropped from the Spidermancer's back. By then, Ash had run to the girls' defense and was dragging Valencia out of the way, awkwardly dodging attacks. Kiyan darted off to the other end of the lobby, quickly sucking the bite mark.

"OH GROSS I THINK I CAN FEEL IT PUMPING THROUGH MY VEINS!"

"DRIVING ME INSANE!" Valencia added, panting in her mangled state.

"COME, COME, COME, COME, PLAY THE GAME, PLAY THE GAME, PLAY THE GAME, _PLAY THE GAME_," they all chorused, then stared at each other, momentarily confused.

"…I hate the author," Kiyan said. Then she continued sucking, using her other hand to reach into one of her backpack's side pockets and pull out a health potion. She tossed it to Ash, who handed it to Valencia. She swigged it down in one go and met the Spidermancer head-on, thrusting her sword into his abdomen, through some armor so hard it made her fingers bleed.

Kiyan darted around him counter-clockwise, stopping to grab Ash and shove him in the opposite direction. The two of them stalked around the Spidermancer warily as he battled Valencia, who was cursing him and using almost every available part of her body to fight. Cracked fingernails dug into skin and knuckles punched into soft, bare areas.

Ash lunged first, bringing his sword downward and slicing off one of the spider's left legs. It let out a cry of fury and kicked at him with the remaining two, his left arm punching out and socking him in the face. Ash flew across the room and crashed against a wall, knocking a few paintings down.

Kiyan ran to the Spidermancer's right as Ash backed off and started dashing around him again. She tried to take off all four limbs in one fluid motion, but unfortunately he noticed her and grabbed the Shimmer with his bare hands and forcibly yanked it out of her grasp, grinning evilly.

"Crap!" Kiyan yelled as she rolled out of the way before he could smash his staff or the Shimmer onto her. She frantically scanned the lobby. Valencia was down again, blood pooling out of a gash on her arm. Ash was trying to stand up, but he looked pretty shaken too. Kiyan sprinted to the staircase, bumping and bruising herself against furniture. As she ran up, the Spidermancer jumped onto the receptions counter.

"You can't run forever, my little meal," he growled, "You _could_, but that would only show that, indeed, all fanfiction writers are girls and they don't know how to write epic fight scenes so the characters end up running everywhere for half the battle and randomly sticking their weapons into their opponent for the other half."

Kiyan threw a wooden chair at him in response.

"Ow!" He glowered. "Why don't you come down here and face me like a man!"

"I dunno," Kiyan called back a retort, "Why don't you come up here and face me like a _scorpion_?"

"YOU BITCH."

She raced down the halls, only stopping to fling furniture in the way. The Spidermancer leaped over most of them with relative ease, but he would have admitted the piano was a bit much.

Eventually, Kiyan reached the end of the hallway. Through the railings, she could see Valencia and Ash drinking health potions they'd found behind the counter and making their way up the stairs as fast as she could. If she could buy some time…

She entered the last room and slammed the door. Seconds later, the Spidermancer crashed through and hurled himself straight at her.

She didn't know why she did or how she decided to, but Kiyan reached into another one of her backpack's pockets and pulled out the two mana potions.

"You're going to drink both potions _for magic_ at a time like this?" The Spidermancer paused his onslaught to snort in contempt. "You're an idiot."

"OR IS IT?" Kiyan screeched. She smashed one bottle onto the floor and hit him in the face with the other. The spider screamed as it whacked him in the eight eyes. Then, holding the top end, she smashed the bottle in half on the Spidermancer's shoulderplate, sending more glass shards flying and leaving her with a jagged makeshift club. She battered his body with it and snatched back the Shimmer as he was beaten about, just as Ash and Valencia came into the room and brought their weapons down hard on the shocked spider, who toppled over. Ash managed to lift his helmet off.

"One…"

"Two…"

"Three…"

_SWISH__**!**_

Kiyan stared at the severed head of the spider. "GROUP DECAPITATION FTW."

Ash blinked. "How was that even _possible_?"

"…I dunno. Try not to dwell on it too much," Valencia said.

* * *

An hour later, after hearing their commander was dead, the spiders retreated back underneath. Other adventurers were in and around the Inn, sipping potions and exchanging battle stories. Kiyan had taken an antidote and was now sitting in the disheveled lobby, attempting to reflect.

"The monsters are defeated and the town is saved once more. Hmm…what to do now?" she pondered. "Also, I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel like going to see a movie now."

Serenity, who was sitting on a badly maimed armchair, smiled at her. "You could always help me patch up the floor…"

"Don't worry, everyone!" A high-pitched voice called. "I'm back!" Twilly walked into the Inn and plopped down next to Kiyan. She ignored him.

"Tell you what," she told Serenity, "let's all go to the movies and _then _I'll fix your floor."

"I'm back, and I'm fine," Twilly said, slightly irritated, "I just saved the Dragon Egg all by myself…don't you worry about me…"

"Actually, a movie does sound good…what do you want to see?"

"Let's go there and find out what's playing. I'm sure we'll think of something."

"HELLLOOOOOOOO!" Twilly yelled. "DRAGON EGG. ALL BY MYSELF. IS ANYONE LISTENING?" The rogue and the innkeeper continued ignoring him. "I have to get these back the cave before they hatch!"

Kiyan looked at the Moglin as if she'd just noticed he was there. "Hatch? When does that happen?"

"Oh, NOW you're listening. Well, the Egg is supposed to hatch exactly seven months from the day we met…which means sometime tomorrow."

"WHAT?"

* * *

With a final blow, Athena felled the Soaring Themis and approached the cluster of priests. She'd been blown about the Temple of the Four Winds seven times over the past three hours. When Warlic had offered her a separate, solo mission, she hadn't exactly expected this. He'd contacted her a few minutes earlier and told her Kiyan had managed to reclaim the Dragon Egg, so she guessed she should feel relieved she wouldn't have to fight anymore when she got back home.

One of the stronger-looking priests nodded to her gratefully. "Thank you for saving us, dear sister."

"Don't mention it," Athena replied.

"I will tell you anything you need to know."

"Uh…I'd like to find out about the attack," the mage said awkwardly.

The priest nodded. "A few days ago a gigantic Dracolich with a castle on its back flew over the temple. A dangerous man named Drakath lead an undead army in and attacked us without warning. They took no prisoners and showed no mercy," The two magic-aligned humans shared a moment of respectful silence for the dead, "but once he had the White Dragon Box, he left.

"The Temple of the Four Winds has stood for centuries. It's never needed repair before, but the undead left it in ruins. Naturally, the local monsters flooded in and began to loot us. We were trapped here taking care of the injured until you came."

"Oh, that's terrible…" Athena cocked her head, wind-tousled red hair limply hanging aside. "What's the White Dragon Box? "

"Priestess Celestia of the Light Temple left it here. Inside is the egg of a dragon." Athena felt her mouth drop open. The priest assumed it was because she thought it was because she'd never heard of such thing. "It is no ordinary dragon. When the stars align themselves perfectly, two very special dragon eggs appear in our world. Most dragons have certain elements, but these particular ones have NONE until they're hatched. Many factors determine what element they will be, but none more than the human they are closest to.

"One of these dragons will be the **Mighty Order Dragon**_**, **_and the other one…_**The Terrible Chaos Dragon**_! But there is no way to find out which is which until they fight their destined battle against each other, along with their human counterparts. The Chaos Dragon, the World Destroyer might be with the kindest human alive. The Order Dragon might be enslaved by the worst villain!

"There are many, _many _prophecies about these two dragons and the role they will play in history…but none say who will win their final battle. We cannot allow the White Dragon Box to remain in the hands of that _monster_!"

"…I'm sorry, you what now? I dozed off a little. It's just…my sister has the egg from the Black Dragon Box…"

* * *

It was early nighttime now. At least, it would've been if only it wasn't the middle of summer.

Ash was leading Twilly and Kiyan to the grassy cliff near the Guardian Tower. Pale light still shone above them and birds were still singing. The day's exhausting events did nothing to the heroes' spirits, other than the fact they were now all hyped up on gallons of Yulgar's smoothies.

""_OhmygoshAsh wherearewegoingthis issoFREAKING EXCITING!__!_" Kiyan babbled as she ran up the hill. "_Oooooh I remember standing up here when the eyeballs were invading and I was like 'HEY EYEBALLS! I SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU. Andthentheywerelike'shutup'soIwaslike'YOU'REGIANTEYES' and yeah._"

"_HAHAYOUSOGOTTHEM_," Twilly laughed.

"Just wait a second, guys. It should be here any minute now." Ash glanced up at the distant mountains.

"_OHOHOIT'LLBECOMIN'ROUNDTHEMOUNTAINIT'LLBE….__**WHATISTHAT**_?"

The peaceful skies darkened suddenly and totally. A giant Dracolich- an undead dragon made of skeletons-hovered up far away. It was so huge that they could see the gray stone castle stuck on a patch of earth on its back and every single groove and curve of its wing and tail bones. For a heartbeat, its hollowed eye sockets seemed to stare at them, but it made no advances so Kiyan figured they were safe for now.

"I was hoping you could tell me," Ash sighed, his fingers erratically twitching from both the sugar rush and terror. "I saw it for the first time a few days ago, and according to reports it's been circling the countryside for a week. I had to see it for myself. It attacked the Temple of the Four Winds; that's why Athena went to help them. Kind of. No one seems to know anything else about it."

"Twillies knows," the Moglin gulped. "There have been rumors and stories and legends…but some of them must be true. That…that _thing_…used to be one of the Great Dragons…one of the Ancient Ones." Twilly started to shake with anger. "_HE _must have had his army of necromancers animate the remains. It's _HIS _flying fortress!"

"_HewhoTwilly_?" Kiyan coughed. "I mean, who, Twilly?"

"Who else? _Who else would corrupt the resting bones of one of the Ancient Dragons_? **SEPULCHURE!**"

Kiyan gasped. "Sepulchure has that much dark power? It's Unbelievable! It's so Unbelievable that the first letter of 'unbelievable' was capitalized ingame! _Unbelievable_! He is so much more powerful than I have possibly imagined!"

"Did you ever strike him down?" Ash had to ask.

"_What could he be planning_?"

* * *

_Meanwhile…_("OHOHOHO CONVENIENT RPG TIMING GUYS.")

Drakath walked down the wide throne room, trying as hard as he could to appear bold and ignore the unsettling whispers and shuffling in the shadows. Other rulers would darken the rest of their rooms and lighten only the area around the throne itself, to imply they were like beacons of light for their subjects. Sepulchure was the exact opposite; he sat in the darkest spot on the whole Dracolich. The red eyes on his full body armor glinted at his visitor. Drakath suppressed a deep shudder as he kneeled before him, still clasping his long sword tightly.

"My lord Sepulchure," he said slowly, making sure his voice had the right balance of respect and confidence, "I have returned with the White Dragon Box, as you have demanded." He paused, waiting to see if his master had anything to say to this. He did not. "The priests at the Temple of the Four Winds were no match for your undead soldiers, _under my command_...please, grant me the power of the Necrotic Blade of Doom as you promised."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." A loud, echoing, vaguely metallic laugh rang out, sending the various evil creatures scurrying around in fear. It wasn't a pleased laugh; more like bitter and agonizingly…well…_dark_. "Prince Drakath…you are a _FOOL_."

Now, don't get him wrong, Drakath hadn't been expecting Sepulchure to praise him for a job well done and ask him if he wanted some cocoa, but this was _not _the response he'd wanted after months of hard work. "My…my lord?"

"Our agreement was BOTH Dragon Boxes! Black AND White" Sepulchure boomed. "I only see the White Box before me."

Drakath gritted his (perfectly formed!) teeth. "There…have…been…_complications _with the Black Dragon Box. If you would simply grant me the power I'm certain I could-"

"I think," He could feel Sepulchure's eyes-his _real _eyes, however they may look-burning into him coldly. (Yes, Sepulchure is so terrifying that that's actually possible), "you may still be focusing too much energy on taking King Alteon's throne."

"**My throne**!" Drakath snapped. "_It's my birthright!_"

"BE SILENT!" Sepulchure demanded. "As I have promised, bring me BOTH boxes, and the power…and the _throne_…will be yours. Do not interrupt me or return here without _both _Dragon Boxes ever again."

Drakath stood up, trembling softly, and began to leave.

"Do not fail me a second time, _Prince _Drakath," Sepulchure called after him, his voice dripping with mockery.

"Yes, _my lord_."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As Drakath walked away, he felt his (probably specially colored, he thought) blood getting cold.

Was it his imagination, or was it _not _Sepulchure who had just laughed?


End file.
